The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Jennifer, you're having some problems with your three-year-old.

Yes, I am, doctor.

Yeah, tell me—give me an example of what's going on and what you've tried.

Yes. Okay, my daughter has very, very, very bad tantrums. Like, if I don't give her something that she wants, she'll throw things at me. She'll tell me she hates me. She doesn't even call me Mommy—she calls me Jen. I've tried spanking, I've tried timeouts, I've tried taking things away from her, but everything is a struggle with her. Whether it's getting her dressed, into bed, taking her even to the park—she kicks and screams, and I just don't know what to do.

Okay. When has she been on her best behavior?

When she's doing something she enjoys, which is watching TV or when she's coloring.

Siblings?

She does, but none that live with us.

What do you think? What's your situation? You're a single parent?

No, I am married. My husband has three other children who live with their mother.

And so what do you think accounts for these bad tantrums at such a young age? They say the terrible twos, right?

I don't know. People were telling me maybe it—you know, not giving her enough attention. But if I give her this—I give her a lot of attention. I think pretty much maybe she's spoiled. Instead of—if I give her a piece of candy, just say—and like, she wants another one. I won't give it to her, but then she'll start screaming and yelling and—

Ask me for a piece of candy right now. Can you be her? Can you be Jen—and her name's Jen?

No, Emily.

Can you be Emily and ask me for a piece of candy right now? That's right, you're Jen.

Yes, Mommy, can I have a piece of candy?

You know, something—I can hear how much you want it. What type of candy would you want, honey?

I would like a piece of gum.

You would like a piece of gum. What color gum?

It's red, Mommy, it's red.

You know what, honey? Let's take that piece of gum and the next time it's candy time—maybe, I don't know what time you would set—but after dinner tonight, let's wrap that gum up in a piece of Kleenex, a tissue—pretty colored paper for you—and that will be your piece for after dinner.

No, Mommy, I want it now.

I can hear how much you want it now, honey. You have such a wonderful, strong mind. I can hear that. And it is hard to wait. It's hard for me to wait at times too, hon. Let's see, what were you doing? You were reading a book right now?

No, Mommy, I'm watching TV. Mommy, I want the gum now.

You are such a determined kid, honey. I love that in you, that you are very determined. And you're learning something. You're learning how to want something really badly and to be able to postpone it a little bit. And that's a wonderful skill for you to have, honey.

Jen, I want the gum now.

When I hear myself being called Jen, I don't like it at all. I expect that to stop. I'm Mommy, honey. If I hear Jen again, I'm going to get very upset. I prefer to be called Mommy.

Mommy, I hate you. Shut up.

You know, I can hear that you're very angry right now. I don't like to be told to shut up. Right now I'm going in the other room, and I'm going to be doing XYZ—I don't know what you're doing—you know, I'm going to be cooking. I'm closing the door because I want my peace and quiet right now.

Slam the door, crying

And then she's crying, yeah, okay. I might let her just cry, because what is she learning right now?

That no means—

No means no. Totally that no means no. So here's what happens: you've developed some bad habits with her, and they're not going to change overnight. Much as we, as parents, wish we could turn back the clock and not make some mistakes—some of the—if you ask your husband for something, what would be something very quick that you would ask your husband for, you know?

To get me something—a cup of soda.

And if he says, “No, I'm not going to get it for you,” and he spanks you—how would you feel at that moment? What—how do you feel at that moment?

Oh, I'd be embarrassed and hurt.

And that's—if you establish some of those feelings with your daughter—if she learned that you use an uncivilized way to try to force her mind not to have the candy or, in your case, the soda, then—nobody likes to be spanked. Spanking always backfires. I mean, even if kids do what you tell them to do with the spanking, what they think is: “He's mean” or “She's mean,” “I'll get her back,” or “I'll get Dad back.” So spanking doesn't work.

Timeouts—when you tell a kid, “Take some time out and think about what you've done,” how many kids sit there and think about, “Oh, I feel so regretful, Mother. Mother, you know, I really am upset about what I did. I—you know, I called you Jen, and I should have called you Mother.”

Taking things away teaches kids not to tell you what their favorite things are, right? So you don't connect well with them. So those methods that you use are the ones that so many parents have used with their kids. I used them with my kids until I learned better skills.

Now you're in a transition period. What I'm going to recommend to you is—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've gotta pay some bills—30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and we'll be back.

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Now, you're in a transition period. What I'm going to recommend to you is: you're going to learn some skills. I'll tell you some of the skills, and then I'll do even better—I’ll tell you the source of these skills, which my listeners could tell you right off the bat because I mention them all the time.

But you need to do some of the skills that I use. One was that I—when I first—when you were telling me you wanted the piece of gum, I—even if she's not going to go along with this initially, this is a wonderful skill. Instead of saying “no,” what did I say to you?

You said, “You know what, Emily, we'll take the piece of gum, put it in the tissue, and we'll save it for after dinner.”

And did you feel like I was shooting you down with a no?

No, I didn’t. That felt a little different.

So I'm valuing the fact that you want a reasonable value—but at the wrong time, right? So instead of saying “no,” if it's possible to say “later,” I do that.

So, “Mom, I want to stay up late tonight.”

“You know, honey, I know you would love to stay up late tonight. This weekend, let's have a late night. You can stay up till eight o’clock.” I know she's only three years old.

So there are ways—that's one series of skills that you'll use on how not to say no. When people are confronted with a no—even with your husband—“Will you get me a drink?” “No.” If he says, “You know, I can get it later for you,” it sounds nicer.

And you want to be able to express disapproval without attacking your—her character—Emily's character. So when I said, “I don't like to be called Jen,” notice I didn't say, “You're mean! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap,” which one of my babysitters, when I was a kid, did to me. So you—instead of saying—they didn’t last very long, obviously—but you don't want to attack their character by saying, “You're spoiled,” “You're rotten.” Don't use labels like spoiled or rotten. You want to say, “I expect—I expect to be called Mom. I don't like it when I'm called Jen. I will not answer to Jen anymore.”

Okay?

See, and you can—you know, you can initially say it with a softer voice, but if she insists, it's okay to use strong emotion—as long as it's not attacking. As long as—in fact, “I expect to be called—” If you have sarcasm in your voice, an attacking tone, or attacking body language, it doesn't work—

She’s gonna probably feed off of that.

Yeah, right. “You want to attack me? Right?”

Right.

You can give her a choice. You can say, “You know, you can have that piece of gum tonight after dinner or right before you go to bed, honey. Which would you prefer?”

So basically, you've just said no to her for now. But giving a person a choice gives them the feeling—especially a three-year-old—that they're doing something.

The book that—they're not being spanked, they're not being attacked. You do not want to attack your child's mind. You want to work with it and set limits.

The books are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Okay? That’s at my website: DrKenner.com. Okay?

And that should significantly reduce the tantrums, knowing that there will be a transition period where she won't maybe immediately respond to some of these skills, but stick with them. They're—one.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Jennifer, for more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

We often communicate in ways that sabotage our relationships. Most of us have some psychological baggage that we bring into our relationships, and it affects how we communicate in word and deed. Screaming and swearing, the silent treatment, interrupting, talking in a cold manner, giving looks of contempt, smirking—these are a sample of destructive communication techniques.

Here are additional examples of ineffective communication techniques: sarcasm—“So you think you have all the answers?” Name-calling—“You're such a slob.” Negative comparisons—“Your brother would never have a messy car.” Giving authoritarian orders—“Clean up this mess right now.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.