The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com

Welcome Kathy. Kathy, you're having some problems. Your son's having some problems, I guess.

No, it's my six-year-old daughter.
Oh, it's a daughter.
Okay.
Yes, my little pumpkin.
Okay, and tell me what's going on.

In school, she's kind of shut out from the girls that are very aggressive. I didn't realize that children were so aggressive at that age—

At six years old, huh?

Yeah. So not that I want to make her popular, but I want to make her secure.

Okay. Can you give me a picture of what's going on, like she—

They shove her. They exclude her from, what, joining in on things.

How many of them are the "they" that you're talking about?

Four.

There are four of them. Okay. Okay. That seems a lot more manageable than 26 of them, huh?

Yeah.

So tell me about these four. Tell me the who around—

I look at their parents, and the parents are very aggressive too. So that's probably why the child is very aggressive too.
Get pushy. They're Chevy—

Yeah. But give me a scenario. Do they come to your house at all to play? Does she just deal with them in the school?

Just deal with it in the school.

So she goes to school. How many kids are in the class?

So out of the 24, 20 are okay?

Yes.

And four are bullies?

Yeah.

And why are they picking on her? Or are they also picking on some of the other 19 kids?

They might be. I don't know. I just saw it today because I was on the class trip, and it annoyed me, and it bothered me.

Tell me what you saw.

One girl in particular is very aggressive. My daughter was trying to get into the line to line up to get going, and she kept stepping in front of her and wouldn’t let her actually get in the line.

So your daughter does what at that point?

Nothing, nothing. She just lets her get in the line ahead of her.

Okay, one of the skills that she can use—although—is the girl much physically bigger?

Much bigger, yes.

Any idea why they're picking on your daughter? And then I’ll get to the skills now.

Okay.

Teacher says—

The teacher says that they're very cliquish.

But notice when you limit it, when you name that there are only four girls and you can actually name them. What are the four names?

Christina, Mackenzie, Joanna, and Fauci.

Okay. And so once you get it down to four girls, it seems much more manageable. Christina, Mackenzie, Fauci, and—there was one more—

Joanna.

Joanna. So here's what I would recommend. If it were my daughter, I would say, "Oh, you know something, isn't it that when you look out at your classmates, there are some that are easy to get along with, and there are some that are real difficult?" Who do you like the best? I would ask her first to focus on the kids that she really loves being with. And are there a couple that she loves?

I think so.

And I would help her learn how to connect with them. Maybe go to the zoo with them. Maybe, you know, go on your own little field trips with them, even if it's just having them come over to the house, so that she gets to know that she's lovable, likable, and that she can find people to admire and to play with.

I had a wonderful playmate when I was younger, called Abby. To this day, if I think of Abby, I get a warm feeling inside, a warm smile. She was like my—when I was six years old, she was my buddy. You know, we used to dig in the sand together. Now, I had other kids that picked on me. In fact, one girl turned the whole schoolyard against me in sixth—was fifth grade, and it was too much for me to handle, and at that point, I needed teacher intervention and parental intervention. My parents had to go. I was too shy and I didn't know how to deal with it. So my parents went and the teachers asked—the teacher—I remember the teacher, Mrs. Fisk—she asked all the girls to stay after school. So the Mackenzie, the Christinas, the Fauci and the Joannas had to stay after school. And she said, "This is not—you're never to do this." She set moral standards for the girls.

Okay.

She actually sent me out to clap the erasers while she talked to the other girls.

I think that that might be part of the problem, because the response from her is that she's telling me, "Well, they're very cliquish."

Okay, so what are you doing to break that up?

Yes. At a certain point, it's really the teacher's responsibility, but that doesn't leave your child powerless.

Now here are the skills that kids need—and adults need. Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.
Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where’s that ad I saw?
Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com

And buy it at amazon.com

Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Now here are the skills that kids need and adults need. If someone stepped in line in front of you, what would you do? Let's say I stepped in front in line in front of you at the supermarket. What would you do?

Nothing. Nothing.

Okay, you got the same problem. It's not easy, is it?

No.

If you stepped in front of me—if I'm in my best mood—I would assume that you did it accidentally, that you just weren't focused. Because I know there are times when I've been unfocused, and so I would treat you as someone similar to me—as one of the good kids in the class—and I would say to you, "I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but I'm in line."

And what might you say if I said that to you?

I would say, "I'm sorry."

And what would you do?

Just stay there. No—move.

You would go to the end of the line. So I assume benevolence. I assume that you're a good person first. Okay, if you're a bully, then if I approach you nicely, what does that do to you? If you're now the Mackenzie—I'll be Mackenzie for a moment—and I say, "You know, Mackenzie, I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but the end of the line is in the back."

I'm not moving. I'm here.

Okay, I guess that's your choice. Now, I might not try to force Mackenzie.

She actually was bold enough—and I don't know how anybody else is raising their kids—but she was actually brazen with me, this child.

And what did she say to you?

I said, "Excuse me, my daughter’s gonna stay here. Please move over and let her get in the line."

Okay, well—

"Never." And she stepped in front of me. I would say—

I said, woo—

Okay, well, I wouldn’t say the "woo." I would just say to her—you know, I didn’t say "woo," I said "woo" in my mind.

Okay, wonderful. I would say to Mackenzie, "Mackenzie, you may want to try to figure out why you do that. It seems important to you to step in line in front of people." I wouldn't say "my daughter," I would say "in front of people." "And so sometime in private, you may want to think about what's going on with that, because it’s not likable." And I might just say something to her like that.

What have I done there?

Nothing. But have the six-year-old tell her that? I know—

But I'm saying you could. You know, as an adult, you help a child self-reflect. "You know, Mackenzie, you have options, and I don't know why you're doing this, but it isn't that cool. You know, maybe you can give this some thought. Right now, you need to go to the back of the line." I would be firm and just tell her.

And what would she say after that?

"I'm not moving. You can't make me move."

And I'll say, "You know, Mackenzie, I'm a chaperone here, and let's work together on this. This is a line. We're doing things fair. If someone cut in front of you, Mackenzie, I would be saying the same thing."

Okay.

Now there are books. There are skills that she can learn. The book that I always say is—

I'm writing as you're talking.

Well, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. The book that's the gold standard of parenting is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives a lot of skills to help kids stand up for themselves, to speak their own minds. And for you too, as a parent, you need to be able to do that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.