The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Penny, you have a child who always likes to verbal, likes to do the opposite, yes?

Yeah.

How old is your child?

He's seven.

You have a seven-year-old boy, yeah. And tell me about one of the—what’s the key type of situation that you're in that gives you difficulty that you would like me to help you with?

Um, I think the biggest thing that we’ve—we’ve found is he is an only child, and when we propose something that we’d like to do as a family, he always says, “That’s not what I want to do.”

Okay.

Like, we’ll say, “Okay, we want to go strawberry picking.”

“No, I don’t want to go strawberry picking.”

And then we say, “Okay, well, we’re not going to go.” This happened just this past weekend. Then all of a sudden he wants to.

Okay.

And, you know, we’re just really struggling with—is this just another way for him to try to gain power? You know, really, he is rebellious in a lot of ways.

But one other example—a really bad something that really irks you and your hubby?

Really irks us? Yeah—a rebellion.

Like he gets out of bed almost every night?

Yeah.

And will come into the living room or say, you know, “I need a drink of water.” And I know that's really normal behavior for a seven-year-old, I think. But in our view, it’s just another passive way of trying not to go to bed on time.

Do you remember being seven years old?

No.

No, you don’t. What do you think most seven-year-olds love doing?

Spending time with mom and dad?

You bet. That’s one of the things. Assuming that you're decent parents, then you’ve earned that. That’s really a tribute to you—it’s not a negative. And guess what parents who have an only child want to do at eight o’clock at night? They want their private time. They want their ability to have some downtime. So it’s really hard. Those are very tense moments, especially when you have an only child.

Here—here’s a keyword, and it’s used in cognitive therapy. It’s called “reframing.” Okay, if you look at your child—I brought up two kids—let’s—I’ll use my son. You can use your son. But if I look at my son as, you know, just trying to win, just trying to have a power struggle and to be the controlling factor in the family, then we’re at odds. I mean, my son is my enemy, and I’m the enemy to him, right? And it seems like it’s a no-win battle. We are going to waltz through life being enemies. The theme is: “You’re going to do this.” “We’re going strawberry picking.” That’s fun, that’s good. And my son will say what?

Well, your son will say, “What?”

“No, I don’t want to do that.”

“Well, what do you want to do then?” But I have irritation in my voice now. “What do you want to do if you don’t want to go strawberry picking? I mean, that’s a lot of fun to go strawberry picking. We can make jam later. What do you want to do then?” And what would he say?

Um, probably, you know, “Catch more frogs in the pond.”

“Well, we’re not going to do that today. I don’t want to go catch frogs. Okay, we’re not going to go strawberry picking.” And then what happens?

But he gets what he wants. He gets to go do more of the same, which he does love—to stay home.

He loves to stay home. Yes. Let me get to the core issue because we’re on radio time. If we had a full 50 minutes, I’d do a lot more. But the key things that I want to see in my children growing up, what I value so much—here’s where reframing comes in—is: Hey—

I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw—here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

The key things that I want to see in my children growing up, what I value so much—here’s where reframing comes in—is when they use their own mind to pursue their own values. I value that. I love their independent thinking. Doesn’t mean they’re going to not do everything I say. They’re not going to be able to call all the shots. But instead of looking at it as a power struggle, I am going to be looking at it as my child’s developing mind. I’m raising a child to be able to stand up against a boss that he may not like, you know, a mean boss or a bully. I’m raising an independent child who can speak his mind.

So on one hand, I’m delighted. If my child were to tell me, “I don’t want to go strawberry picking,” this is the way I would handle it. Can you be your son and tell me, “Honey, we’re going to go strawberry picking.” Tell me what you want to say to me today.

I don’t want to go today.

You know something—you really have ideas of your own. What would you like to do today, honey?

I want to stay home and catch frogs.

You know something—you love catching frogs, don’t you?

Yeah, yeah.

And what do you do with them when you catch them?

I put them in a pail, and I bring them up to the garage, and I get to watch them for a whole day, and then I have to put them back.

So you’re like a little scientist. You’re like an explorer, right, an adventurer. And so you really like watching frogs. You know, something—that might be something we could do later.

Let me tell you about strawberry picking. Do you know anything about it?

Yeah, we go every year.

Yeah. And what’s it like for you?

I get to eat as many strawberries as I want because they say I can.

Yeah. What’s that like?

Fun, because they get all messy, and I get to eat as much as I want, and nobody says no.

And do you think that you might find a frog in the strawberry field, or maybe a snake or something fun?

Well, I might—a chipmunk. I might.

What do you say—we’ll do the frog later on. We’ll go look in the pond for some frogs. I’ll join you for maybe about 10 minutes. But now let’s go for strawberry picking.

Okay, but I really don’t want to go.

Yeah, I know part of you doesn’t want to go, and part of you really likes eating the strawberries. So it sounds like it’s a tug inside of you. Is that how you’re feeling?

Yeah.

I know I feel those tugs sometimes. You know, Daddy and I are real excited about it, and I think we could have a lot of fun together.

Listen, let me recommend that you go to my website, DrKenner.com, and look up the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Okay.

A fabulous book. But it illustrated one of the skills where I’m valuing my child’s valuing. Did you hear how I reframed it? So I hope that helps.

I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner. You’re listening to The Rational Basis of Happiness.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Yes, yes, I’m gonna be an actor. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year. But of course, my father wouldn’t let me. For the first time in my whole life, I know what I want to do, and for the first time, I’m gonna do it. So my father wants the two are not carved—

And that’s from Dead Poets Society. And listen to the enthusiasm in his voice when you decide what you want to do, and then have the courage to stand up and do it against the odds. And I’m assuming that this is right—that this is a rational goal. Becoming an actor is definitely a rational goal.

And you have resistance from real close significant others, whether it’s your parents or a teacher or somebody, and you just realize that it is not their life—it is your life. And you say, “I’m going for it.” And you have that conviction that it’s right, it’s moral, it’s good to go for your goals, even if Dad wanted you to be a doctor or something else.

That type of ability is what is so liberating and what so many people just throw away. They never fight for their values. Many people don’t even identify what they wanted in life, what they loved in life. I’m surprised in therapy when I ask people, “What do you love in life?” or “What would you want to do in life?” and they look at me and they say, “I never asked myself that question.”

And that’s sad. You don’t want to go through life like that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this, Ned.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world famous for his theories in goal setting.

Loving couples selfishly want to give their partners as much pleasure as possible. However, there are two ways that focusing too much on your partner can undermine sexual pleasure.

One way is to let your mind anxiously wander, worrying, “What’s my partner thinking about me?” This is usually due to some self-doubts. Here are some examples of pleasure-blocking, anxiety-provoking thoughts: “Does what I’m doing look foolish?” “Am I making too much noise or too little?” “Am I too fat, too skinny, too unmuscular?”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.