The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com

Right now, we'll turn to our after hours line. Imagine that you're dating a decent guy. We can call him Joe, but he comes with baggage—his teenage son from a former marriage. Let's call him Max. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if the son Max were a really fun guy, because he may get along with your three kids from your ex.

Now, you tell yourself that you love Max dearly, but listen to this: you also find him manipulative, disrespectful, opportunistic. And by the way, you don't like that he steals, he destroys things, and he sabotages family life.

Now, does that sound like you can love this kid dearly?

This woman's question is: how do you blend this son Max into family life?

Think about what your gut response is. How have you dealt with such people in your life—who are disrespectful, opportunistic, they steal, they destroy things, they sabotage?

And right now, we'll turn to the phones and listen to this 36-year-old nurse.

"I'm 36 years old. I'm an RN. I have three children—teenagers—and my ex-husband is a very good friend of mine who is very involved with his children. I am living now with a new boyfriend, whom I've known for 14 years, who has a teenage son. His teenage son's mother left him when he was three months old, and the only mother that he's ever known—which is my new boyfriend's ex-wife—doesn't have anything to do with him because his father's no longer in her life. I should say I am taking on the role of caring for this child. I love him very dearly, but have since found out that he is very manipulative, disrespectful, and opportunistic. He wants everything that my children have, that my husband or my ex-husband buys for them, and I can't afford to give him those things. His father can't either. And when he gets upset and he doesn't get his way, he's very disrespectful, or he does things—he steals from the household, and he sabotages and destroys things when he doesn't get his way. My question is, how do I go about handling the situation, and how do I assimilate him into the family without making him feel ostracized or abandoned?"

Okay, what do you do when you have this teenage kid who's your boyfriend's son, and he is totally—he's totally lost control of his life? And again, just for convenience, let's call him Max, and let's call your boyfriend Joe.

So with Max—Max is the problem. He's the teenage kid. If I were Max, notice what position I'm in: I'm a kid who was abandoned by my biological mother almost at birth, at a very young age. And then the next woman that comes into my life, my stepmother—or whatever she was—was awful to me. You know, I don't know whether they were actually married, but she was awful to me.

And so now I'm an angry kid. Things are not fair. Things are not fair. Why did Dad marry her? You know, there's a lot going on in my life. And so then Dad meets someone else later on in life, and I'm living with them now, and I watch this woman's three daughters—or three kids from another marriage—and they're being treated well by their dad. And so now I'm envious. I'm really angry. You know, why can't I be treated that way?

But they don't give me the gifts. Now they say they don't have the money. You know, my own dad doesn't have the money. I know he doesn't have the money, but darn it, I want to stamp my foot at reality. I want what they have, and so I'm going to make their life hell.

And so what do you do with this kid?

You can see that Max has made some choices.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds—that's it. A very quick avenue, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download Chapter One for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

And so what do you do with this kid?

You can see that Max has made some choices.

So is it, number one, a cry for help? Has there been—well yes, obviously it's a cry for help in one sense. But you have to be very careful with that. Meaning, was he seriously abused or sexually abused or something that he's trying to get people's attention?

I've worked with people who've been abused, and they say, "I acted out my whole teenage years because I wanted my parents to find out what happened, and I felt afraid to tell them."

Well, you could certainly open up the conversation to say, "You know, tell me what's most on your mind—what hurts you most that you may never have told your dad or me?"

So you could try that route—but be very careful, because he's a teenage kid. He's had many years of practice in choice-making.

And I would recommend you go out right away—or especially your boyfriend—and buy a book Before It's Too Late. And this is by Stanton Samenow. It's on my website, DrKenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com.

This is a book that talks about kids who are either conduct-disordered kids, or they're oppositional, they're defiant—you know, they can also be antisocial. They'll get all sorts of labels. But they've earned their labels. These are kids who lose their temper, they argue with adults, they do things that are destructive, they blame others—you know, they're never at fault, everybody—the world—is at fault, and they're angry.

It's hard to be in a house with them. They're vindictive. How do you deal with this type of a person in your life?

Well, many parents make a series of mistakes—and this is what Stanton Samenow brings out in his book Before It's Too Late. He says parents will go into denial: "Boys will be boys and the passage of time will cure them," ignoring that children choose to respond to the roadblocks in their life in different ways. A different kid would have gone through the same difficulties as this acting-out Max—this acting-out teenage son—but would have acted differently. He wouldn't have let envy overcome him. He wouldn't let anger overcome him.

So parents try to say, "Boys will be boys," but that is not the case. You have to understand that his alleged rebelling is really his way of getting his own way.

So for you to admit—to say that there's not a problem, "He's just going through a phase"—is not fair to you.

Another thing that parents do is they fail to be firm and consistent. You have to have natural consequences for irresponsible and destructive behavior. This is again in Stanton Samenow's book. And he says, "What could be more loving than to help a child learn this early in life—these natural consequences—when the penalties for misbehavior are far less severe than they will be later in life?"

Another problem, another thing that parents do with their kids is that they fail to demand accountability and trustworthiness. So they assume, "Oh, we'll let it go. It's easier to just let him take the car and stay out all night," rather than to demand accountability and trustworthiness. But you can't do that—the problem will only get worse.

Kids also try to divide and conquer parents—to try to pull them apart. You don't want to let this happen. In this case, you're with a boyfriend. This isn't even a husband.

So he mentions some other things—that kids are good at excuses, and that kids are good at shifting the fault to the parents.

But I want to ask you a different question. You want to ask yourself: why are you staying with the boyfriend? What is the value to this?

I'm worried for your three kids, because if they're good kids, your focus is going to this other kid. And you're a nurse, so you've got the nurturing approach in your life.

I would say that the nurturing should go to your three kids fundamentally first. And that may mean that this is not a good match—that with this boyfriend, it's not working out.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"What a pleasure to see you again. You look more beautiful than ever. Tell me, what do you think of this building?"

"I've been trying to take a poll among the guests."

"For what?"

"A poll of opinion about it."

"What for?"

"In order to find out what you think of it yourself."

And what is that—when you take a poll, trying to find out what others think about a movie or what others think about a certain person before you voice your own opinion? What does that do to you?

Well, you're actually buying into a premise that you don't count. Your mind doesn't matter. And it shows a lot of insecurity—that you can't stand on your own judgment, that you can't make your own decision.

You never want to do that to yourself. You always want to have the feeling that you're in charge of your own life—that even if you're wrong, that you've looked at the facts, the relevant facts, and you've done the thinking work, and you've made a decision. If you're wrong, then you can think more and correct it.

But if you always go by what others feel, it will never feel like your life—and you will chronically feel anxious, you'll feel resentful, and you won't be happy.

So that movie cut was from The Fountainhead. And if you want to read the book, it's by Ayn Rand. It's a fabulous book. It's what helped me turn my life around and learn how to think for myself—not the first time, but it really made it important to me to own my own life and to take responsibility for thinking more.

Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

NAT:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

If you and your partner do not like exactly the same methods or techniques of intimacy, you can informally take turns doing the things each partner most prefers, so that each partner is assured of enjoying pleasure.

Taking turns should be done with good will—not with resentment. Resentment results when you or your partner thinks, "My desires are important and good, but yours are trivial and stupid."

And while it's benevolent and loving to fulfill your partner's desires, there may be certain techniques or acts that one partner strongly dislikes. In some cases, a loved one may learn to like something he or she did not like at first. But this is not true in all cases.

If your partner strongly dislikes some activity, you need to fully respect your partner's right to say no.

Download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com

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Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships?

Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish.

Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance.

Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you.

Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at selfishromance.com

That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon, or selfishromance.com

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