The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com.

This is from Tammy. See what you think about this type of situation. My husband married a woman when he was 18. She had a young son, Joey. Okay. Dad got married real young. They divorced within four years, and he continued to see Joey every other weekend, even though Joey wasn't his biological child. He did this out of pity. They did not want to tell Joey at a young age, thinking he just wouldn't understand. That was 14 years ago. My husband's now 32, Joey is now 14, and thinks my husband is his biological dad. The boy is the only one who does not know. We are expecting our first child in two months, and things are getting a little awkward for us. I am frustrated. How does my husband tell the boy that he's not his real dad? Sincerely, Tammy.

Tammy, I've got bad news for you. You see, even though your husband is not Joey's biological dad, what some people call the sperm donor, your husband is the only dad Joey has ever known. Your husband has played that role. He's kept that role active for over a decade—14 years now. You're saying it's out of pity, and I, I'm hoping that's not the case. I would feel so badly for Joey if he were only a pity case. But I am going to assume something different. I am going to assume that your husband, even though he may be a little intimidated to share this with you fully, got some pleasure in being a part-time dad to Joey, that they shared some good times together. Maybe they went to the circus together, or went fishing together, or went hunting together, or just sat down, and Joey could share what was going on in his life with his dad. And dad has that continuity, that history of knowing where Joey's been and what he's done all these years, and Joey's got that history about Dad, so they have a shared history.

I'm going to assume that Joey is a good kid—not a mean kid who would take advantage of anybody, but that your husband is fond of him. Now, if the situation were different, I’d give different advice. But if this is the case, then it doesn't matter who donated the sperm. Your husband is Joey's dad, and you should not try to get in the middle of this and try to coerce your husband or persuade him, or try to talk him out of being Joey's dad. I'm assuming they have a nice relationship.

Now let me take it from your perspective. I'm assuming that this is a new marriage. You're pregnant, maybe for the first time in your life, and you're excited about starting a family with Hubby. You want a fresh start. You want to welcome your newcomer into your home as if Dad had no history as a dad, but he does. He's lived with Joey in his presence, day in and day out, for the first four years of Joey's life, and then had ten more years of contact with him. So notice what would happen if your husband went to Joey and said, "Listen, I've been pretending I'm your biological dad. I've been seeing you out of pity. Your real dad abandoned you, and I want to let you know now, because I'm having a real child of my own, and it's just awkward for you to be in our life. So I hope you understand we're starting our life fresh—you’re history now."

Obviously, that's very crude, but if your husband had to break off that relationship, and he does enjoy Joey's company and being a dad, but you don't want him to be a dad to anyone else but your own child—imagine how he would feel towards your newborn child together if he knew he had the capacity to dump a son he had 14 years with. He's going to feel guilty towards the new child, resentful at times. He's going to feel angry with you that you made him choose. He's going to feel inadequate at times, wondering if he can ever be a good dad. It’s going to totally confound the picture for both of you.

So I would say, let your husband be 100% honest with himself. If he is close with Joey and wants Joey in his life, don't make him choose. Let this be totally your husband's decision. You can reframe the situation: instead of seeing Joey as the third wheel, see him as an addition to the family. He can be the big brother to the new baby. You could have a richer family life, a healthier one, if you’re not all worried about the ex. He's been away from his ex for so long that I don't think that’s the situation. They got married very young, so I think it’s much healthier to respect your husband's true feelings. Then, do what you suggest and talk with Joey. But it will sound very different. He needs to talk with the mother too, to make sure that she's on the same page and it's okay to give Joey this piece of information. Dad can say to Joey:

"Joey, I'm always going to be your dad. I feel like your dad, even though we’re having a new kid come into the family who will be your brother or sister. I want to share something with you that I don’t think changes our relationship, and I hope you see it that way too.

We’ve been connected for many years. You’re my son; I feel that way towards you. Do you remember the time we went fishing? Do you remember the laughs we had when Mom had to skin the fish we brought home? Do you remember the times when we got divorced, and I met other girlfriends, and you were in my life, and we had a lot of fun? We went to Disneyland together. I want to tell you that I’m not the person who donated the sperm, but I am your dad. Mom and I didn’t feel comfortable telling you when you were young that your biological father abandoned you, but I don't see him as a dad or a father. I see him as a person who gave me the opportunity to be your dad. To me, that is a non-issue. He made his choices; I made mine. You are my son.

You may have some questions over the next day or two because you may be frustrated that we never told you earlier. Please, any questions you have, don’t bottle them up. Ask me or Mom. I would love to go fishing with you tomorrow so that any questions that pop up tonight, we can talk about them. Joey, I adore you to pieces, and I hope you’ll be part of our bigger family and that you can celebrate the new kid too."

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"If you think your partner is being unfair, a way to avoid overreacting is to take some time to privately sort out your feelings and thoughts. Let's say Aaron is extremely upset with Jane's purchases. Too angry to effectively talk with her at the moment, he could buy himself some cool-down time by saying, 'Jane, I'm too angry right now to talk about this sensibly. I'm taking some time to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Let’s touch base later today and talk about it.' By handling his anger this way, Aaron avoids giving Jane the silent treatment or playing mind games, walking away in a huff without letting her know why he's leaving or when he'll return. Instead, Aaron openly lets Jane know that he's too upset to talk at this time and that he's committed to figuring out why he feels so angry and what action would help resolve the issue."

You can download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.