The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Marinda, welcome to the show.

Hello.

Did I get your name right?

Yeah.

Marinda, tell me what's going on in your life.

I have a four-year-old that gets up at like two and three in the morning and completely destroys the house.

Okay, a four-year-old boy or girl?

Girl.

Mom of a girl. When did she first start doing this?

About two years ago.

Two years ago. This has been going on for two years?

Yeah.

What is the frequency? Is it every night?

Just about, just about.

Can you give me a visual? Do you go to sleep, and then what happens? What do you hear?

Um, I'm a very hard sleeper, yeah, so I don't really hear a whole lot. But I'll get up in the morning, and she's gotten stuff out of the refrigerator. She's gotten into crayons, markers, everything, and it’s all way above her reach. You know what I’m saying?

How does she get it, then?

She climbs.

Okay, so she's an adventurous little kid. Yeah, okay, and your "no's" have not stopped her. Do you have other kids?

Yeah.

How old?

I have a six-year-old.

Okay, now the six-year-old can get the markers and can get into the refrigerator just fine?

No, he’s not allowed, and she knows, and he knows that.

Okay, tell me, what effect has it had on you? Are you married?

Yes.

Okay, what effect has it had on your marriage?

We argue; we fight over it because, I mean, he’s just to the point where he’s sick of it. And I can’t blame him as far as that goes, but you can’t just sit there and scream at her.

Okay, so he sits and screams at her. If I were her, your daughter, what would I hear my daddy say to me?

"I can't believe you're getting in here. You keep doing this. We've tried everything. Nothing has worked. I mean, just, why do you keep doing it?"

And what does she say?

She just starts crying and says, "I don't know."

Okay. Does she do anything harmful? I mean, right now, going into the refrigerator to get some snacks or taking markers out and enjoying herself—that doesn’t seem like it’s real destructive.

Well, she’s gotten into everything—cleaning products.

Oh, this is dangerous.

Yeah, I mean everything. We’ve used locks; we’ve used alarms on her door. I mean, everything. And she figured out the alarm on her door; all she has to do is shut it.

Okay. Does it feel like you're in a big power struggle with her?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so this is really more of an issue of a kid out of control who can’t find stuff, as it seems like it’s much more of a parenting approach. If you have a strong-armed approach—“I can’t believe you’re that bad.” Can you imagine someone sitting you down and saying, "Marinda, I can’t believe you’re that bad. Why are you doing this? You have got to stop. Do you hear me?" What goes through your mind?

I’d start thinking that I’ve got to stop, and I think it’s the way I was raised.

Okay, so you would stop. Most kids paralyze at that point when a parent starts yelling at them; they start thinking, "Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills." Thirty seconds, that’s it—a very quick ad, and then Dr. Kenner will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Most kids paralyze at that point when a parent starts yelling at them; they start thinking, "You’re mean. Daddy’s mean. I wish he wouldn’t do this. I’m a bad kid." And they start drawing an image of themselves, like instead of painting with the markers, they’re painting an image of themselves in their mind. That is not a good image for life. I would recommend you get a book, and if your hubby is willing to do this with you, read my favorite, favorite parenting book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Okay, hold on. Let me write that down.

Okay, it’s on my website, drkenner.com. If you just go to the website, you’ll see that book, along with Siblings Without Rivalry. These will give you ways to help understand where your daughter’s coming from and to break this cycle of punishment, frustration, punishment, frustration. And are you the good cop, and he’s the bad cop? Is that how it divides up? Or are you both angry with her?

Well, I mean, we’re both angry with her, but like if I get up before him, I sit her down, and I’m like, "Look, you have to clean this up. You know, you got into it. You got to clean it."

And what does she do?

Normally, she’ll go to her room and shut the door.

Oh, she doesn’t clean it up at all?

No, I clean it up.

Okay, so then you build up a lot of frustration toward your own daughter, and at times you might even say you dislike her intensely.

I never try to tell her that, but…

You feel it.

Yeah, and guess what? She’s going to feel it too. So you want to be able—she’s so young—you want to be able to change her self-image. And that means you first have to change your image of her. You have to find her doing things properly. You want to encourage her. There’s a whole chapter in the book I mentioned that is titled, Instead of Punishment. It’s not that you’re a pushover, but you need the skills to help her become a decent young child who brings you both a lot of pleasure. Thank you so much for your call, Marinda, and give me a call back. Let me know how things go.

Okay, thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

It’s important to understand what and why something makes your partner angry. Often, when a partner angrily overreacts to a trivial matter, it is due to a series of actions causing resentments in the past that were never openly resolved. Such resentments are held and stored subconsciously, ready to explode like an overinflated balloon with only a small provocation. Outbursts against a partner can also result from displacing anger caused by outside events, such as failure at work, onto a partner, which is obviously unjust. Anger issues must be fully resolved and then replaced by positives such as love, communication, admiration, gratitude, and caring if romance is to thrive.

You can download chapter one for free at drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.