The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com.

My five-year-old grandson has recently been taught to kiss other boys, his playmates. Even after I scolded him about this, he still continues to do it. I was wondering, should I be worried about this?

The first thing that comes to my mind is, I'm worried about the scolding because when kids are humiliated, when kids feel put down and attacked, I mean, it may have been, let's just take the most innocent situation. He's a little kid. He sees mommy and daddy kiss; he sees two friends kiss that are older, and they like each other. So he goes over and he likes a little girl in the play yard, who is his playmate, and he kisses the little girl just as a way of saying, "I like you." You know, he's learning; he's five years old. And then he kisses another boy, and then he gets caught. A teacher catches him, brings him back to you. You're the caretaker of the day, grandma, and you scold him. "Don't you ever do that? You don't kiss boys. Do you know that? Do you know what proper touch is? Do you know what good touch is and bad touch is?"

Now, it doesn't matter the content of my words; all he's seeing is your mean face, your finger pointing at him, and he's cowering. And he either will shrivel up inside and say, "Oh my God, I'm a really bad person," and you don't want that to be the consequence of a little kiss. Or he might say, "Oh my gosh, this is something really bad. What if I can't stop it?" Then he's got an anxiety disorder and goes around kissing people, or he, out of defiance, gets really angry. "It's not fair! I was just being nice, like mommy and daddy were being nice." And he decides to kiss in spite of that and to do it as much as he wants. And he's going to kiss every boy because that's what gets under your skin.

So I would get the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" on my website, Dr. Kenner.com, so as the parent or the grandparent in this situation overseeing it, you know how to properly respond. You can say, "Honey, you know, I heard you were caught kissing. Tell me about that." You draw your child out because you need to understand his context. If he said, "Well, that's what I saw on the TV when Daddy was showing a movie that two men were kissing each other," then you have to worry. Was this just a sitcom with gays, or is this a porn flick? Is he being exposed to porn at home, or this is what Daddy does with all the men he sees?

And then you wonder, "Well, what's going on in my son's life?" You know, you're the grandparent here, so that he's kissing doesn't bother me. Kids experiment with all things. Oh, I looked up the girl's dress. In the old days, you could do that; nowadays, you'd be kicked out of school for that. But it's just little kids' stuff. They're discovering the difference between boys and girls, and there's a loving aspect to that. So if you handle it, it's not a big deal. He's more likely to drop it. If you get too angry, you will grow the very problem you're trying to get rid of.

Another question to think about: He was caught doing what? Kissing. He was not caught hitting, punching, kicking, or biting. So kissing is in a different category than those, and it raises some questions. You always have to rule out sexual abuse in the background, but if that's his only behavior, it's kid play. So again, I'm all for loving behavior. I'm not for, obviously, kids' sexual behavior, but I'm for kids discovering affection in whatever, in healthy ways over the course of their childhood. So again, you do want to rule out sexual abuse, but if you don't think that's the case at all, then I would get the parenting books, and I think the parents—there are several written by the authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish that are fabulous, and that should help you address this.

And here's a little more. Dr. Kenner, this is from a woman who's been in an abusive relationship. And we all know people who've struggled with this.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I've been in an abusive relationship for 23 out of 25 years. At first, I didn't recognize it. He kept telling me it was me. Over time, I have come to realize that I don't love my husband. I have six kids with him, three at home, and I don't know what to do. He's now treating me somewhat better because I almost left. He wouldn't hold my hand or walk beside me. He would belittle me and put blame on me for anything that went wrong, and he would tell jokes at my expense, and he pressured me into sex.

Okay, the key thing I hear here, this is from Becky. The key thing I hear here, Becky, is that you don't love him. And it's not just you met somebody for one night, and you don't know whether you love them or not. This is—you have 25 years' worth of data. And from the age, from 25 years ago to 23 years ago, he changed his character because you had a few good years with him, and then at that time, you've all—he's abused you, and it typically gets worse with time. And again, you've got six kids, which is, I think, more than any couple can handle. So that may not have been the best decision, but you've got the kids now. So he doesn't love you; he's not supportive of you.

What do you do? Well, I would say you want—he doesn't love you; you don't love him. You've got the evidence. So you want to, number one, refuse to accept any unearned guilt. Whatever kept you in that marriage for the 23 years that was so horrific, get some therapy ASAP, so that you learn not to accept the type of guilt that he's doused you with that has worked to keep you in the relationship over the years because you're still vulnerable to that—any honor and guilt or unearned blame.

Then make a plan with a therapist to leave. Safety always comes first. If you don't think you're at risk, or he's at risk of doing any harm, then make a plan. If you need to rely on family members who are willing, do that. Temporarily move in with mom and dad if you need to. Maybe it will be a joy for them. If you need to go into a shelter, temporarily do that, but come up with a wonderful, longer-range strategy, even though you'll go through a difficult transition period so that you can love your own life better. You can enjoy your own life better.

One person that I know said, "You know, the best thing I ever did in my life was to get a divorce," and that's because he's currently happily married. You want to give yourself the same strategy. It won't be easy at the beginning; there may be divisions between kids. You need a lot of help. There are wonderful books on the market. You can go to my website, Dr. Kenner.com, to see if there are some books there. But you need to get yourself out of an abusive relationship.

When I get back, I'm going to give you the tips of what to look for in an abusive relationship. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" by psychologists Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke. What can you do to help safeguard your relationship against cheating? First, hold on to your moral character. Second, remind yourself of all the reasons why you love your partner and what the relationship means to you. Make these reasons objective by expressing them in words to your partner. Columnist Sue Shellenbarger gives another suggestion in her article, "Honey, I'm Thinking of Having an Affair." She advises that you talk openly with your partner about being attracted to someone else while your relationship is still on firm ground. Agree in writing, if necessary, that if either of you feel sexually attracted to someone else, you'll bring it out in the open right away. Also, discuss in advance what situations put you at risk—a business trip with a sexy coworker, a holiday party with an open bar.

Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.