The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com.

Listen to this question from a mom who is worried about having her boyfriend sleep over, and she's got an 11-year-old daughter in the house.

My question is, is it harmful to my 11-year-old daughter, whom I have custody of, and lives with me to have the person I'm seeing over one night during the week while she is still here? We have talked about it with her, but I just wonder what kind of influence it has over her. I am 41 years old. I've been divorced for three years. Thank you.

Okay, listen to your voice. I can feel your anxiety. You know? What questions does it bring to mind? What does your daughter know? How does your daughter feel about the divorce? How does she feel about living with you and not with dad? Does she want the two of you to get back together? You know you've got so many factors as a mom making this decision to try to contend with. So let's assume that you—I'll give you the name Laura—want your boyfriend Rick to sleep over every Friday night, but you're worried that, what if it is a negative influence on my daughter, 11-year-old Mandy? Now that's raising a lot of questions. Let's go through some of these.

What type of boyfriend is Rick? Is he friendly? Does he love kids? Or does he love you and tolerate kids, but they're really excess baggage? Or does he love you but secretly doesn't like kids and never wanted any? Does he have any of his own? Is he an alcoholic? Is he a dry alcoholic, someone with anger and rage problems? Is he controlling? Or don't you know that yet? Will this be a testing round? Is it possible that when he gets in the house, you know, he grew up in a very strict household, and he may carry that with him, and he may be telling Mandy, "You’ve got to do this. You're not going to do your homework. You've got to do your homework. Now you're taking away all your privileges on the computer." And if he starts taking control, well, obviously that will wreak havoc.

Or is he a really, really good role model? He'll help around the house. He'll be friendly, he's playful, he's got a joyous sense about him, and he'd be a wonderful addition to your household and to Mandy's life. So let's look at this a little closer.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

And he'd be a wonderful addition to your household and to Mandy's life. So let's look at this a little closer. Let's say that things will work out well, that your daughter, Mandy, has a lot of fun when Rick's around. He loves kids. He shows her how to fly kites. He brings her a microscope and shows her what's in pond water. Maybe he takes her to the zoo with you, and he teaches her how to plant her own garden. And he's a natural around her. He's not doing this just to win you over. He just really enjoys her company.

Well, my guess is that Mandy might hope that you'll marry him, that he's, you know, he's not a one-night stand. Now, what happens if it doesn't work out for you, though? Then what? Then you've got to break off this relationship? Well, Mandy will have to learn some life lessons that things don't always work out, even when you've got good people involved. So it's not necessarily bad to protect her from these lifetime lessons. Also, she needs to learn that she doesn't necessarily have an exclusive with you throughout life, that she'll need to share you, but you want to always make sure that she's valued or that she feels valued and visible in your life.

If you bring a guy into the house, you don't want to shift all the focus to him because you're so excited about being with him, and she becomes second fiddle, or she's put in the shadows. You don't want that to happen. You also need to ask yourself a whole series of questions about your ex. Is he completely out of the picture, or will he become insanely jealous? I mean, you've been divorced for three years, but that doesn't stop an ex from becoming jealous. When you bring a new man into the house, into the picture, he can become insanely jealous. He could say that you're an unfit mom. He could threaten to take you back to court for custody issues. He may torment the new boyfriend. He may send him hate mail or leave him messages on his answering machine, or show up inconveniently to pick up Mandy right when you two are together. He may try to use Mandy. He may force her to take sides. You know, if you really love me, then you'll make it very hard for your mom when Rick stays over.

Now, dads rarely say it that directly. They usually just hint, and the kids pick up the hints. Now that's very damaging, but it's not Rick staying over that's causing that problem. It would be your ex in that case. So I wish you a lot of success with that. I think it's okay to try it, given that if Rick's a good guy, you know, he's not an alcoholic. And if you can work with Mandy and help her feel visible.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. Romantic partners need to communicate constantly, but about what? The possibilities are endless. Be creative; revealing things about yourself, your likes and dislikes, your attitudes and values can be very effective. Tell your partner what you like, such as, "Boy, do I appreciate it when I come home late and I smell dinner cooking; thanks." Or, "I love the way you look in that suit." If you don't like something your partner does, communicate this in a positive way. For example, "Sweetheart, I enjoy making love with you most when you've just showered and your breath is fresh."

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.