The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I have a big problem with my nine-year-old daughter, Mindy. Three times she was caught stealing, and the last time she got several days of ISS, which I assume is in-school suspension or detention at school. Now she has been caught again, and I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. Now listen to this list of what the mom does, and pretend you are Mindy, her daughter. We punish her by taking everything away from her and making her do chores and making her stay in her room, on her bed, and not getting to do anything but sit on the bed. But this doesn’t seem to work. Please help. I am just out of things to do. I don’t want her to be put in jail one day. Thanks, Indiana Concerned Mom.

Okay, Mindy. Your nine-year-old daughter steals multiple times. Now look at your solution in slow motion. You take away all of her most precious belongings, her iPod, her doll, her favorite dress, her beloved teddy bear, maybe some clothes that she likes, some special jeans. So is she going to want to share with you what she loves? You make her do more chores. Does this help a child build pride in doing chores? You force her, out of duty or punishment or out of community service in the home, to wash and fold the clothes, to do the dishes, to wash the windows, to vacuum the house. You make her stay in her room on her bed. Now, that’s solitary confinement, so you’re treating her as if she’s in jail, and then you’re worried that she will remain in jail the rest of her life. So, one of the things that—this is a normal response for most parents—we don’t know what to do. So we flounder. We try taking away things, we try pleading, we try crying, we try yelling, we try lecturing, and none of that seems to work. And then we scratch our heads and wonder, why?

Well, we do the same things with prisoners in jail. We put them in... well, that’s a different situation because you’re not dealing with a young child as a person whose personality is already formed. But we know with prisoners in jail that the reform rate is very low, that it’s called the recidivism rate. Prisoners are rarely, if ever, reformed. We let them out, they commit more crimes, and they go back in. So it’s just an open, revolving door.

So, you may think, when you do all these things to Mindy, that she’s thinking the following to herself just sitting on her bed, thinking, “I feel so sad that I stole... whatever it is, the purse. I feel guilty. I will never do that again. You know, this vacuuming and cleaning the windows has brought me to my senses. Mom is so right to take away my teddy bear and my iPod and everything else I love. I am so glad that she put me on this bed with nothing to do but reflect on my bad behavior. You know what? I think I’ll reflect now to figure out why I steal and how I can stop it. Gee, thank you, Mom. I love you so much.” Do you remember thinking that when your own mom punished you?

What is she more likely to be thinking? Any normal kid is thinking, “I hate my mom. She’s mean. She never listens to me. All she does is make me do her housework. I hate vacuuming. I hate doing her and Dad’s stupid dishes. I hate her. I love my teddy and my iPod, and I will never tell her what I love again. She always takes things away. I have to sit on this stupid bed. I hate my room. Well, I’ll figure out how to get her back, and I’ll get her back bad where it really hurts.” Okay, you think that kid’s going to steal again? I’ll bet she will because it hurts you; it humiliates you.

So, what does this type of punishment typically accomplish? It accomplishes...

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance... that is interesting.

Okay, you think that kid’s going to steal again? I’ll bet she will because it hurts you; it humiliates you. So, what does this type of punishment typically accomplish? It accomplishes teaching a kid how to hate chores, rather than having chores be a budding source of pride and efficacy in becoming a mature adult. It teaches them to hide their values from significant others, otherwise they can be taken away. It teaches them to train their mind on revenge fantasies. And you’re solidifying your image of her as a budding sociopath, and you’re solidifying her image of herself that way. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that she’ll end up in jail. Never say that to your kids, by the way. Never predict a negative future like that—“You’ll never become anything in life,” or “You’ll end up in jail”—because that creates an image in their mind from a significant other, a parent. And it’s not true. Kids are self-made, even with some bad choices early on in life. Many of us know we’ve made bad choices. You can turn them around. I made very few, but I still made some. Even with my parenting, I made some.

So, you are not communicating with her. Do you have any alternatives? Well, you certainly don’t want her building revenge fantasies and stealing more. What is missing? Genuine communication, understanding her. You don’t—you haven’t done the detective piece with Mindy. Why is she stealing? What triggers it? What are her justifications and rationalizations? When did it start? What keeps the stealing going, and what’s Mindy’s best image of herself? What’s her worst image of herself? Now, that’s what therapy is for, so you can definitely see if Mindy can get some therapy, and you can get some therapy too, and you can get some family therapy with her. My guess is that there are issues that are going unsaid in the family.

If you encourage her to speak, you can say something like, “You know, Mindy, you know how sad this makes me to hear what the teacher called about once again. We remember when we could trust you carrying $100 in cash to Grandma’s, and you did. You were real cool. And we remember when we gave you that dozen cookies to bring to the neighbor’s home. You were really young, and you didn’t eat one of them, and the neighbor loved the Christmas cookies. We remember when you used to let your sister use your teddy bear when she was upset. Help me understand, honey; this isn’t like you to be stealing like this. I don’t want to lecture you again about stealing. You know that all too well. Neither of us likes the tension and the power struggles that we get into. I wonder if there’s something you want to tell us that you’re afraid to say—something that would help us understand you better.”

Now, if Mindy starts to open up and starts to tell you, “Dad never spends time with me. You’re too busy with your work and your friends. And when I visit Amanda, her parents are so loving to her, and I get jealous and I take things from her because I’m just angry.” You know, if she starts opening up, don’t go back to your old methods and lecture her. I would get the book Between Parent and Teenager by Dr. Haim Ginott—that’s on my website, DrKenner.com—and also all the books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I recommend them often. And there’s also a book if you think that she’s crossed a line, which I don’t think she has at the age of nine, and just a couple of times... Stealing Before It’s Too Late by Stanton Samenow. But I wouldn’t read that one right off the bat.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner,

“I need your help. I have to ask Lorena, but I don’t know how to do it.” All right, okay, listen, keep your pants on. She’s over in the cafe. All right. There she is, George. Then just go in there and invite me. “Okay, but I don’t know what to say.” Would you say anything to her? “Say, well, whatever’s natural, the first thing that comes in your mind.”

Nothing’s coming to my mind.

And I think that’s when he says, “You are my density.” Have you ever been in that situation where you’re pressured? You have to say something. You’re either put on stage or put on the spot. Maybe you’re at a relative’s anniversary party, and they say, “And Susie, will you say something about this relative, your uncle?” And you’re thinking, “I couldn’t stand my uncle. What am I going to say?” And your mind goes blank. There’s nothing there. You can always say, “I’m not ready. You know, I would want some more time,” or “I will think about it.” Always give yourself the advantage of being respectful of your own mind if you’re definitely put on the spot.

There are methods to deal with blankness. I took a whole course on how to deal with different mental states that we get into, such as floundering or blankness. It’s a wonderful course by Dr. Jean Ben Swanger. It was a fabulous, fabulous course, so I highly recommend her course. It’s called Tackling Hard Thinking. It may even be tacklinghardthinking.com on the web, but she taught me how to get out of blankness. I mean, I can figure that out; I’m a psychologist, but I never sat down and isolated blankness. And you ask yourself questions. Ask easy questions—who, what, when, where, why? “What am I doing here? What is my goal? What would I like to say to her? Not what I should say. What should I say to her?” Because that gives you this duty experience, like you have to do it for someone else, rather than coming from yourself, from your own mind.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this next. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Before giving a surprise, make sure your partner likes surprises, including the type you plan to give. Linda was upset for weeks because her husband sent a male stripper to her place of work for her birthday. Beyond feeling humiliated in front of her coworkers, she hated the idea of a male stripper. Her husband, Martin, didn’t understand why she was so upset when he was only trying to give her a nice surprise. The clueless husband had not bothered to find out what his wife would actually value as a present. Working to understand your partner is well worth the effort. And to help your partner better understand you, you first need to understand yourself. If you don’t know what you want and value, it makes it much harder for your partner to understand you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.