The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Right now, we are going to turn to our after-hours line about a woman whose son is in college and having some difficulties.

Yes, I have a son in his second year at FSU. We think he has a problem? He thinks now he has bipolar or ADD. He needs help. My husband's up there now. He just had a DUI yesterday. You usually can't help someone unless they know they need help. And I'm not quite sure if he's there yet, at that point. I don't know what to do, and I just thought to call. Thanks.

Okay, you did the right thing. You called. What I would definitely recommend for you is to get some counseling for yourself during this period. This is a rough period for you. We want to love our kids. We want to see them excel, and when we see them having problems and we can't, we can't separate out: Is this something that's within their control? Or do they have one of these labels, bipolar disorder or ADD? Or is it just a typical kid in college not knowing what he wants to do with the rest of his life? I mean, that's a huge problem that all college kids face, or at least the ones that don't know what they want, which are most of them.

How do you find a purpose in life? Has he made a wrong choice? Has he gotten into a career he doesn't like? Is he not going to classes? Is he having problems with friendships? Has he picked the wrong friends? Maybe he's in the frats, drinking a lot. Is he having problems with his sex life, with romance, or maybe he hasn't been involved in sports, or he's got too much involvement in sports? I would deal with those issues rather than looking to slap a label on him, such as bipolar or ADD.

Now, certainly, you can take him to a professional, and if they diagnose him, that still doesn't sidestep the issue that you need to deal with these problems. I would suspect, with his drinking under the influence, that ticket that he got, that it's a wake-up call for everyone in the family, and I would even recommend family counseling. Many times when kids go off track, they're struggling, like in Dead Poets Society: Can I lead my own life, or do I have to go in the same path that Mom and Dad have already carved out for me? Is my own life, my own choice, good?

If you punish him, if you lecture him, he may close off even more, and the problem will get worse, and then it will really look like he's got bipolar and ADD. So if you went empathically to him and said, "Honey, this must be real confusing for you. I suspect that you've got a lot of negative thinking going on. You may not want to share it with me and Dad, but I hope you'll share it with a counselor. We'll respect your privacy. If you ever do want to say something to us, please say it. We will try not to go into our lecture mode." It's very hard to have empathy for you.

Other parents may say, "You know, my kid just got a master’s degree in MSW," and you have to look at this parent and say, "Well, my son just got a DUI." That's very painful. So you want to get some therapy for yourself so you know how to handle this. Hope that helps.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Here are five ways of making your partner feel loved and visible: Show encouragement and appreciation, spend quality time together, give appropriate gifts, help out, touch in a loving, sincere way. Most partners will appreciate all five; however, different people may place different degrees of importance on them. Discover what makes your partner feel loved and visible. If you neglect trying to understand your partner, it conveys that you don't think your loved one is important. Your partner feels invisible and not connected to you on the deepest level, and this undermines your romantic relationship, including your sex life. If you don't understand your partner, even when you do take actions that demonstrate love, they might be the wrong actions.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.