The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Amy, the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here's the story about the little girl who bites off dolls' hands. See what you think. Hi, Dr. Kenner, my seven-year-old granddaughter, Amy, bites the hands off every doll she gets. Several years ago, I mentioned to my daughter-in-law, Laurie, who's a teacher for children with behavior problems, that I found this behavior a little odd. Notice as a grandmother, what you do—a little odd. It is very odd. My daughter-in-law said that Amy will grow out of it. Here we are, years later, and she still does it. Needless to say, Amy even breaks the hands off porcelain dolls. I find this somewhat disconcerting. Now, the “somewhat” and the “little,” I don't think, are accurate. What, if anything, would you recommend? Respectfully yours, Nancy.

Nancy, it is very disconcerting. You give a child a doll, and you expect them to dress them. You expect maybe little boys will pick up the skirts of the Barbie dolls and take a peek. You know, you expect there's a normal range of behavior for kids in playing with dolls; biting off the hands is way out there. It's not normal, but it may not represent something horrific. There's a range of possibilities here. So first, I want to divide this into two segments. One will be your relationship with your daughter-in-law, Laurie, because it sounds like you tiptoe around her. It's a little odd, and I find it somewhat disconcerting. If Laurie said, “I'm not going to worry about it, it will go away,” you know, she's worked in this field. It is possible that just by not making a big issue of it, it will go away, and she may have seen a lot worse, and to her, this is minimal. But it will cause problems. Imagine bringing seven-year-old Amy to a playgroup at another child's home. I'm imagining I'm the mother, the daughter-in-law now, Laurie, and I come to pick Amy up, and I hear that she bit off the hands of her playmate's two favorite dolls, and the mother's holding them in her hands. Or Amy goes to a friend's birthday party, and the child's mother is crying, holding her kid in one hand and three plastic doll hands in the other, and she tells you that Amy is never allowed at another party. So this is going to cause Amy problems unless she only bites off her own dolls' hands. In which case, why can she differentiate?

Laurie may be very embarrassed, especially since she's a child behavior expert. She's an expert on behavioral problems, and she may not be getting help just because she's mortified, she's embarrassed, and that's wrong. She needs to get the help, or she may not want to share it with you. She may be getting help, she may be very upset about it, but she may either emulate you or look up to you and not want you to know that there's anything negative going on, or she may see you as a critical judge or a nag or someone meddlesome, and she just doesn’t want to compound this problem anymore by getting you involved. Now, it doesn't sound like you've been involved if you've hung back for a few years, so I think that it's—you need to—

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So, I think that it’s—you need to figure out what your relationship with Amy is and with your son. Maybe you have a better bridge to your son. Maybe it's easier to talk with him and then bring up the topic again. Don't stifle it, and don't say "a little" or "somewhat"; just be direct. Say, "I was with her, and she bit the hand off the Barbie doll that I had, and I found—I recoiled. I'm very upset." And she says, "I know, we're all hoping that Amy would outgrow this habit of biting off dolls' hands." It hasn’t happened. You may both be thinking, as I am, that it's time to get some consultation to help her break the habit. If I can be of any help, let me know. So what you're doing there is, as a grandparent, you're coming in and you're saying, "I'm not going to pretend that nothing's happened. There's an elephant in the room—a huge problem in the room that no one's paying attention to—and I don't want to see it go on another seven years."

So that's one thing. The other is, what do you do with Amy's behavior? What would explain it? You can ask yourself this series of questions: does she have other odd behaviors, or is this just an idiosyncratic one? Is she a good kid overall, or is she an angry kid? Does she ever bite off the feet, or is it only hands when she does the biting? Is it an expression of anger? Does she do it with a sly, cunning look to see who’s looking at her to try to get some secondary gain—some attention—or is it more like she's teething, and all kids teeth, and she's absentmindedly chewing on something? But why always the hands of her dolls? Maybe it’s become a power struggle. Maybe at home with mom and dad, they say, “Don’t bite the hands,” and, of course, kids are going to do just what you say not to do as a way of saying back to their parents, “Don’t tell me what to do; don’t control my mind.”

Could be that she got very embarrassed by this—by mom or dad or somebody else early on—and then she just made it a habit. I’ve had clients who’ve had an obsession like this that started with a parent screaming at them very irrationally over something that should have just been handled more delicately. It could be that there’s trauma in her past. Maybe she watched the news when they were showing the videos, and she saw someone’s hand cut off, and that image is still with her, and she needs to process it. Or maybe she saw a Vietnam vet without his hands, a war vet. So you need to draw her out to find out what’s going on—why she’s doing this. Is it a sign of abuse? Did someone threaten to cut off her hands? Maybe a babysitter? I had a babysitter that used to stand on my hands in the garden, and I was afraid to tell anyone. So draw her out. Do some fact-finding. And when we come back, I have a few more comments on this.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Hey, Niles, Maris found a gray hair.

Captain again. Miles of Randy.

It was right at the apex of her widow's peak. Better bring the bottle. She blames me, Dad. She said it’s from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.

I'll give you a moment to let that set in. This, obviously, is sexual issues. The problem that Maris—this is on Frasier. The problem that Maris has is not with Niles. Of course, it may be—we all know Niles—but if you're embarrassed, if you're married to someone, and you don't want them to see your body because you're embarrassed of it, that's fundamentally an issue with yourself. And that’s something you want to take a much closer look at, because you don’t want to go through life embarrassed with your birthday suit. Everyone’s got one; there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s—in fact, it’s fabulous; it’s wonderful. Some of the greatest statues are of nudes. So, if you're in the position of Maris, you want to make friends with your body. If you do not like your body—legitimately, if there’s something wrong with it, like you're morbidly obese—then, if it’s within your power to change, go ahead and do it. Even if sometimes it requires surgery. You don’t like your nose or something—that’s perfectly legitimate to do too. And also, in many cases, it is a relationship problem. You no longer love your partner, and they’re looking at you nude and getting aroused, and it’s a real turnoff. So if that’s the case, you need a divorce or therapy. And I think they get divorced. However, I’m still on season—what is it? I don’t know, so don’t tell me.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting:

Of the many financial issues that can cause painful or bitter conflicts in relationships, a major cause is lack of honesty. Lack of honesty with respect to money issues is a common complaint among romantic partners. It is no more appropriate to lie about money than it is to lie about sex or any other aspect of a relationship. Assuming that both partners are of good character, thoroughly discussing and agreeing on how to handle important money issues beforehand will build trust and mutual respect.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.