The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

And how do you deal with triplets who are two and a half years old? Triplets? Imagine that—three young ones running around. But one of the girls has a problem. She’s the “problem kid.” She has to be the center of attention. She takes the toys. She feels that anything anyone else has is better than her own. So if her siblings have a toy that she wants, she grabs it out of their hands. Now, her brothers and sisters can play very calmly. She enters the room, and it’s all chaotic after that. One worried mom projects into her teenage years and says, "What’s going to happen then? If this is the way my daughter is now, I’m going to have my hands full, and she’s going to be in a lot of trouble in her teenage years."

Here’s the woman who has triplets. See what you think, dear Dr. Kenner. I have triplets—two girls and one boy—who are now two and a half years old. So picture that. Just picture even the baby carriage, trying to carry these kids when they were infants, and now they’re toddlers running around, and you have to have—how do you take care of three little kids, toilet training three little kids? And she continues: Ever since one of my daughters, Amy, started to crawl around, she shows the behavior of, quote, “whatever someone else is doing is more fun than what I’m doing.” So you can picture this kid always barging into whatever anyone’s doing, not respecting any boundaries. Well, she’s two and a half years old. She continues: And my daughter, Amy, also shows the behavior of, “whatever someone else has is better than my own.” She takes toys. She has to be the center of any activity. She has the personality trait of a people pleaser. She’s a great little helper and follows directions well. She’s responsive to praise and affection.

So the mom has two questions. The first question is, with her needing to be the center of attention and needing to please others, will she be enticed into wrong behavior by peer pressure later as a pre-teen or teenager? So again, she’s two and a half years old, and mom’s projecting a very negative future. And mom also asks: Her behavior is affecting her relationship with her brother and her sister. They get along better with each other than they do with her, as she interrupts their play. So how worried should I be, given that she’s so young? She’s two and a half years old.

Mary Ann, okay, so the mom has done some good things. This was a much longer email. She’s given her daughter, Amy, some individual attention, and she’s let her help her in productive ways, maybe helping, you know, get a family meal together. She catches her being good. So she’s got a lot of good skills. So, Mary Ann, here’s the advice:

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

She catches her being good, so she’s got a lot of good skills. So, Mary Ann, here’s the advice I would ask yourself: Who does this daughter remind you of? She’s only two and a half years old, and you’re already saying she’s got a personality trait of a people pleaser. She’s in the beginning of forming who she’s going to be, not at the end of it. And I know the young years are very important, but also kids are very flexible, and their personality can change dramatically. So, think of who she reminds you of. Does she remind you of a sister, a friend, an aunt, or maybe your mother? Observe how you treat your own daughter. Observe how you treat Amy, because you may be treating her in subtle ways that are making her look like a people pleaser, making her feel that she’s left out and has to barge in to get noticed.

Another parent might see your child and not conclude that she’s a people pleaser and doesn’t need to have something that’s always better than her own. Another mother might see her and say, “Hey, Amy’s got a lot of curiosity. What a doll! She’s so curious about what the other two are doing, and she asks such neat questions. She’s looking to figure out her world.” And she may need some skills to understand her boundaries, but she wouldn’t see it as a negative trait.

Also, in terms of taking the other kids’ toys, set really clear guidelines. With my kids, even when we went visiting, my kids knew what’s called the trader principle—T-R-A-D-E-R. When my kids went to visit other kids, we brought a bag of toys so that they could trade and respect each other’s property rights. So I wouldn’t call it a trade-off at such a young age that Amy is somehow a people pleaser, that Amy is the annoying kid on the sidelines, or that Amy’s going to have trouble in her teenage years. That’s a parenting mistake—to predict a negative future. Parents do it all the time. “Your room is such a mess; you’ll never make anything of yourself.” That’s called predicting a negative future. You don’t want to do that to yourself or to her.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Oh, for goodness’ sake, I’m a happily married man. Maris means the world to me. Just the other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

And there’s a book called The Sex-Starved Marriage. In that book, the author, Michelle Weiner Davis, talks about how she can pick out a couple that’s in love and having very good sex from a crowd. You just look at a crowd, and you can tell who the ones are who are connecting—the subtle manifestations, the hand-holding, the hugging. I was driving home the other day, and I saw a car parked. I looked a little closer, and it was young teenagers kissing in the front seat. Now, teenagers, young adults—I’m not sure, but it was just wonderful to see. Usually, you don’t see that in broad daylight, and they were very romantic. So just think about your own relationship—what’s going well in it? And in terms of sex, what’s not going well? What is the number one sex problem you think people have in marriage or in a relationship? Think of your own relationship. Think of a past one. What was your main complaint sexually?

Later in the show, I’ll be talking with Michelle Weiner Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Some seemingly innocuous habits can be a real source of annoyance to a partner, such as leaving the toilet seat up, ignoring crumbs on the floor, throwing dirty clothes about, or driving recklessly. Both partners have to decide how dangerous or important negative habits are, and they should make a serious effort to change those that are a real source of friction. Bad habits can be changed more easily than bad personality traits, such as impoliteness or tactlessness, because although habits function automatically, they are more limited in scope than traits. Changing habits, however, still requires a deliberate, conscious focus.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.