The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The conversation discusses the impact of excessive materialism on young children, using a two-year-old's birthday party as an example. Speaker 1 advises limiting the number of playmates and gifts to avoid overwhelming the child and fostering a sense of entitlement. An email from Susie expresses concerns about her grandson Andy being influenced by too many gifts, potentially leading to negative developmental effects. Speaker 1 suggests that Susie should communicate her concerns to her son and daughter-in-law without causing conflict, emphasizing the importance of meaningful gifts and experiences. The conversation also touches on the negative consequences of entitlement and the value of earning and trading items.

Action Items [ ] Have an open discussion with the son and daughter-in-law to understand their perspective on the birthday party. [ ] Suggest ways to involve the child in earning or trading for toys to instill better values. [ ] Work with the daughter-in-law to help her see the potential negative impacts of excessive gift-giving and find a solution for future parties.

Outline Managing Children's Parties and Gift Entitlement Speaker 1 discusses the rule of thumb for party guests, suggesting no more than the number of years the child is, plus a few extra friends. Speaker 1 reads an email from Susie, expressing concerns about her grandson Andy's second birthday party, which featured a two-story blow-up elephant and an overwhelming number of gifts. Speaker 1 emphasizes the potential negative impact of excessive materialism on a child's development and values. Speaker 1 advises against giving too many gifts, as it can lead to a sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations in the future.

Addressing Concerns About Excessive Gifts Speaker 1 suggests that Susie discuss her concerns with her son and daughter-in-law without causing a family feud. Speaker 1 recommends understanding the daughter-in-law's perspective and asking her what she loves about the big parties. Speaker 1 advises working with the daughter-in-law to help her see the potential damage of excessive gift-giving. Speaker 1 shares personal anecdotes about teaching children the value of earning and trading items, rather than receiving too many gifts.

Promoting Meaningful Gift-Giving Speaker 1 explains that meaningful gifts should be earned or have personal significance, rather than being given just for the sake of giving. Speaker 1 warns that excessive gift-giving can lead to a sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations in children. Speaker 1 emphasizes the importance of teaching children the value of hard work and earning things. Speaker 1 suggests that parents should focus on quality over quantity when it comes to gift-giving.

Interrupting for a Commercial Break Speaker 2 interrupts to mention the need to pay some bills, indicating a brief commercial break. Speaker 3 promotes "The Selfish Path to Romance," a guidebook for understanding what people want from relationships. Speaker 3 provides information on how to download the first chapter for free and purchase the book on Amazon.

Resuming the Conversation on Party Planning Speaker 1 returns to the conversation, discussing how to approach the daughter-in-law about scaling down the birthday party. Speaker 1 advises against making the daughter-in-law feel attacked, as this could strain family relationships. Speaker 1 shares personal experiences of teaching children the value of earning and trading items, rather than receiving too many gifts. Speaker 1 hopes that the advice provided will help Susie navigate the situation with her family.

Excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" Speaker 3 reads an excerpt from the guidebook, highlighting a story about Darcy and Mark, who faced relationship challenges due to differences in interests and tastes. The excerpt describes how Darcy's love for dancing and Mark's fear of dancing led to growing resentment and arguments. Speaker 3 encourages listeners to download the first chapter of the guidebook for free and purchase it on Amazon. The excerpt serves as an example of how differences in interests and tastes can impact relationships.

Keywords party guidelines, playmates limit, excessive materialism, negative impact, meaningful gifts, family values, entitlement issues, small parties, development concerns, relationship dynamics, dance lessons, differing interests, trade experience, romance guidebook, relationship challenges

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com and @amazon.com

Now there's a rule of thumb when you have really young ones, that you should have no more kids at the party than the number of years they have. Now you could have some family and friends, but in terms of friends, buddies for the little ones, if they're two years old, let them have two little playmates. If they're three, they have three playmates. You know, you could give or take one or two, but you don't overwhelm them with 20 playmates at that age. You make it small and simple so that they can truly enjoy the celebration to the extent that they're able to at the age of two. I mean, they don't have the awareness that a 20-year-old has, obviously. So listen to what this emailer says. This is from Susie:

Dear Dr. Kenner, my grandson recently turned two years old. His name is Andy. I attended a birthday party with the parents. His father is my son. They got him a two-story blow-up elephant to jump in. I don't know if you really mean that Susie, but two stories, I mean I'm sitting on the second story right now, and if I'm two years old, looking up at a two-story blow-up elephant. What, that is huge. That is huge. Many people and little ones were at the party. Well, I assume you need to fill the elephant, right? So huge amounts of presents, both big and small gifts, filled the center of the room. I saw his mother—this is obviously your daughter-in-law—instructing and helping my grandson attack the gifts with gusto, to rip off the paper and as quickly as he could get the wrapping into the trash.

Okay, now he probably enjoyed the wrapping more than the gift itself. There were so many gifts I felt overwhelmed by the whole situation. Isn't there a possibility that my grandson's development will be affected negatively by such events and displays of excessive materialism? How can I convey my thoughts to them—your son and your daughter-in-law—without causing a family feud? Thank you, Sue.

Sue, there is absolutely a chance that your grandson can be pulverized by what they're doing to him. Because we're talking about values. We're talking about gifts as meaningful, not gifts as just tokens that family members bring to—I don't know—pay off debts to the mom, or to show up one another, or even to express gratitude. But it's too much for a two-year-old. Way too much. We all max out at a certain amount. Even if you think of your own Christmases, if I'm given too many gifts, it's like overwhelming. I can't even appreciate the very special ones. So values, typically, values are something that we act to gain and keep. So a kid earning money to buy a bike, which my daughter did when she was younger, that bike becomes very meaningful to that child—my daughter in this case—very, very meaningful, as opposed to aunts and uncles buying her all the top bikes around and having 20 in our garage.

What kids learn from that is the world dumps goods on them. They become entitled. They expect that. And what will this look like at the age of 15 or 17 or 20? They draw premises, core ideas, that you don't have to do anything in life. You just smile and giggle and people throw gifts at you. That's the way the world works. Well, that's very damaging.

The second point is, hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've gotta pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and we'll be back.

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Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So, the second point is, how do you let your son and your daughter-in-law know this? Well, assume that they were well-intentioned. Maybe your daughter-in-law just never had parties growing up, and she saw other people—her friends—having big parties, and so this is very meaningful to her. So first what I would do is listen to your daughter-in-law, ask her what she loves about this. Did she think it went well? What drawbacks did she see? Because she may already say, "Gosh, this was the biggest mistake I ever made. Next year, it's a small party," and then your work is done. She already has the answer because she saw the damage it was doing already.

If she doesn't see the damage, then draw her out more—ask her more questions. Can you see any problems with this in the future? Would you want him, at the age of 16, to want, you know, a computer and car and the rest? Work with her, not—don't make her into your enemy because then you'll close off ties with her. Then you won't have access to your son or your grandson. You want to work with her to help show her—help her see firsthand the damage that this can have. If she just thinks you're complaining and picking on her, that won't help.

And you can talk with your son too. I know my kids loved selling pumpkins and earning money. They grew their own pumpkins, sold the pumpkins at a little fair, and earned the money. They would take their used toys—their own toys—and if they had too many in their room, they would sell them at a July 4th town fair that we had. We'd buy a table there, and they would have.