The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. Last Friday night, my daughter had a friend over with my permission to spend the night here. I'm a single parent—this is a father writing—raising her since she's been three years old. She gets to see her mom during major holidays and no more than a week or so at a time. Her mom has serious mental health issues, including bipolar and schizoaffective disorder. With bipolar, she can sometimes get hypomanic, experiencing an expansive, irritable mood, inflated self-esteem, flight of ideas, and irrational behavior.

Now, the dad shares more about the friend. The little girl who came over lives with her grandma and great-grandma. Her mom is in jail, and she doesn’t see much of her dad. So this is a very challenging family situation.

For a few minutes, I was busy online, and then I noticed my bedroom door was closed, and they had attempted to lock it. I went in to check, and my daughter was under the covers, and her friend was also getting dressed.

I've not been able to get many answers from my daughter about what happened or if she’s ever been inappropriately touched. So far, she has not wanted to talk much about it. She was alarmed when I mentioned talking to her friend’s grandmother. What do you suggest I do?

I’m not suggesting that my daughter is gay. She has had other friends over without any similar issues. I want to help my daughter and support her friend. Please let me know if I should consult a counselor.

In situations like this, it’s essential to differentiate between "kiddie play"—the natural curiosity some kids have, like playing doctor or exploring innocently—and any concerning behaviors that could suggest something more serious. If this hasn’t happened with any other friends, if she’s not acting secretive, or if there aren’t signs like self-injury, hurting animals, or a fear of adults—some of the signs of trauma—then I wouldn’t be overly concerned.

You could lightly mention the incident to her friend’s grandma, mainly to help ensure both girls feel safe. Then, you can teach your daughter about personal boundaries and appropriate and inappropriate touch in a gentle, non-alarming way.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"Love is not a causeless gift, but something that has to be earned. You may have heard yourself say, ‘I just want to be loved the way I am.’ Unfortunately, just the way you are may include qualities that make you less lovable than you could be, or even unlovable. Love is not causeless; it is something you have to earn. But how? The starting point is your moral character. Of course, there are many other factors involved in love, including common values and individual personal preferences. Moral character, however, is the foundation, and it is indispensable."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.