The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Now here's an email I received from a mother who was shaking in her boots. That's how she signs it. Her name is Laurie.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

You are the first person I contacted about this. My nine-year-old daughter, Kylie, has just recently revealed to me that she hears voices sometimes when she's alone. She's recently had a severe sore throat and missed two days of school. I'm wondering if that could have anything to do with it. I treated it with Motrin, and then she revealed this to me. I immediately stopped giving her the over-the-counter medication.

So notice, this is the one-shot deal. It isn't that Kylie's been saying this for the past five years. It just happened after a cold. So it's very possible that it could be due to head congestion, the medication, and a very good imagination, a bored kid, or a kid that's just running a high temp—maybe a little hallucination going on there, but nothing to worry about. So that's one possibility.

Back to the email. Laurie says, "I didn't overreact to her or act like I didn't believe her, and I actually think I handled it well." Yes, if you did that, that's very good. I've been listening to her and asking questions. Okay, that's okay, as long as they're not too many questions and making a bigger deal of this. I'm honestly shaking in my boots at the thought of something serious.

Okay, whenever you find yourself in that situation, Laurie, also think of the best-case scenario because it will make you shake in your boots less, and you won't be carrying that over in your conversations with her. Kids pick up on the emotional tone of their parents just as much as they do on the words—even more so.

Back to the email. "Things with her have been typical outside of a few discipline issues. She's currently on punishment for her continuous absent-mindedness and procrastination. Three weeks of dishwashing and no TV. I'm out of work right now, seriously in debt and unmarried. I'm expecting my second child in three months, and lately, I've been a little depressed. I've discussed how the baby will change things, and she's excited about the baby. I've been having her write down what she hears. I'm hoping this is a phase. Should I seek professional help right away or give her some time? I know my reaction is important."

Mom, shaking in her boots. Laurie, listen, if Kylie did have that cold, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would first—I would not even have her write down anymore what she's hearing unless what she's saying is significant. But if—I would just toss this up to a cold and to a kid's good imagination. If a month from now she still comes back and is saying she's hearing voices, or three weeks from now she's still hearing them, then I might—then of course, my antenna would go up, and I would be concerned.

So I think already you've made too big of a deal of it. If she's sitting down writing everything she hears, because she'll focus on it. And when kids introspect—which is just thinking inside your own head—she might mistake that for hearing voices, for example. Well, I really shouldn't do that right now. Or what a jerk this person is on the road. And, you know, I can't believe they just cut mommy off. She might think those are voices, and then you might be treating what's absolutely normal—just her introspective ability.

So, other possibilities—

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So, other possibilities. It sounds like you are massively stressed, you're seriously in debt, you're unmarried, you're pregnant, about to give birth to a second child. It doesn't sound—I don't know if the men are in the picture or not, and you even say that you're getting depressed. I would assume that you're already quite depressed. So if she's dealing with you in that state, how is that affecting Kylie? My guess is she's hungering for some companionship—for some genuine, healthy companionship from a happy mom, not a depressed mom who's stressed out and pregnant and probably wants her out of the hair.

So maybe she wants that negative attention, and maybe that's why she's distracted, and you're punishing her. That may not help. I reckon there are much better parenting skills than punishing for three weeks of dishwashing and no TV. That's way too long for a nine-year-old kid, the duration of that punishment. I recommend the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I would get that ASAP today, and that will be a salve for both of you; that will help quite a bit.

Oh yeah, that's on my website. My husband's reminding me. DrKenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R. There are also books that deal with depression—"Mind Over Mood." I would see if you could get yourself into counseling. Now, I know you have no money, but there's a possibility that there may be a teaching university near you that may offer therapy for free or on a sliding scale, given that there are students—Ph.D. students—who are very bright students who could be helping you out. And, of course, they run under supervision too. So you may be able to get some inexpensive or even free therapy that way.

But I, you know, on one sense, I don't want to make light of what's going on with her, but I think that you want to take a closer look at yourself and your decision-making process. For example, how are you pregnant again for the second time without a husband, without being in a committed relationship, and without having the money to afford a child? Who's going to pay for this child? Will it become a burden to other family members or to neighbors who have to contribute taxes to pay for the programs that you'll be enrolled in? It's very sad when I hear that people make that choice when there are alternatives.

Now, obviously, if you have the child or are close to having it right now, abortion is out of the question, and it may be in your own ethical system that that's out of the question. But another possibility is giving the child up for adoption—a very, very difficult choice. But if it's going to stress you out and mess up your entire life with your daughter, that's really tough on both of you.

I would try to make an action plan to try to figure out a way to deal with your financial situation, the parenting situation, the problems with your daughter. You have so many different areas that I would need to rank them and see what's the most pressing one for you and get some order to your own life, because otherwise, it will only get worse. The minute the baby's born, you need 24/7 attention to the new baby, and I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter latches onto something to get some attention from you, and this hearing voices thing could really grow out of hand. So you don't want to let that expand and become a major problem in your life. So I hope that helps you out.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Why didn't you call? I'm sorry I didn't know so late; Tyler and I were talking. That boy is irresponsible. No, Mommy, it's not his fault.

Okay? Notice, mom is quick to say that boy is irresponsible. This is from Buffy rather than her daughter is irresponsible. If her daughter is old enough to go out on a date and her daughter didn't call, look at the opportunity the mother is taking to damn the boyfriend or not to blame her daughter. So if you're doing that as a parent, it's much better to state what's genuinely on your mind. If you don't like the boyfriend, think of how to express what you observe tactfully. If you just say, "I don't like him," that's too global. Your daughter won't believe you—or your son, depending on who the person is dating.

But if you say, "You know, I notice he's been late for the last five times that you've been going out together. Is this a pattern with him?" Boy, that is so productive. That gives your daughter the—what she can focus on. What she can think about: "I notice you're always paying for his meals." You mentioned that—is that chronic, honey? You know, just leave the question with her. You don't need to have her answer it to you. You're just raising questions for her to take a closer look at.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

When partners disagree on important things, it makes romance harder. But what about small, optional things? Let's say your partner was brought up in a poor home and hates to see the water running in the shower for more than five minutes, or you like the bed made every day, and your partner thinks it's not a big deal. These are examples of differences that all couples encounter.

It's rational to make a compromise on such things without either partner being a martyr. For example, your partner might grasp that you are now financially better off and that it's okay to take a longer shower. Your partner may choose to make the bed, or you may agree to make the bed together, or you can decide that it's not a big deal whether it's made at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" at Amazon.com.