The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Now here's an email from Megan.

Do you ever imagine? I know my husband was in this situation. Maybe he can pipe in during this one. He, when he was in grade school, got in trouble a lot. So see what you think about this one, dear Dr. Kenner. Since the start of school, way back in September, our eight-year-old son had his desk turned away from his classroom group. There are four children in his group. Oh, that does. Thank you for bringing that up. Oh, I'll just love to remind you of the nice times in your life.

So imagine you've got four kids sitting there, and one kid for months and months on end, through the holidays, through everything. This kid has been forced to face the side blackboard. The writer continues, he's made to face the side blackboard. We agreed to this with his teacher, so mom and the teacher are on the same page with this, as my son was distracting the educational process with his silliness and jokes. Sounds like you've got a fun, loving son. He'd make the kids laugh. We thought this would work by putting his desk around, but it hasn't. We'll figure out why. I think most listeners could figure that out, as you probably have too.

His teachers told us that until he can prove he has self-control over his behavior, he will remain facing the board, the blackboard. We are now concerned that his self-esteem will be damaged and he will not like school. It's gone on too long. Any suggestions?

Megan, I'm with you 100%. It has gone on way too long. Imagine the principal came into this particular teacher and said, "You know something, you have some lousy teaching methods, so until they improve, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Imagine the principal came into this particular teacher and said, "You know something, you have some lousy teaching methods. So until they improve, we will make you teach with your back facing the students." Now, if you're this teacher, your back is to your students. What thoughts go through your mind? This is ridiculous. This is candid camera stuff. I feel insulted. I'll get back at the principal. Why doesn't she? Why does she have to single me out and make a fool of me? The kids like my method of teaching. I'm playful. I'll teach that principal a lesson.

Notice the principal didn't reach the teacher's mind, and let's make the situation worse. Imagine a psychologist said to you, "You have lousy parenting skills, so until you learn to behave, you are to turn your chair away from everyone at the dinner table." Now, as you turn your chair away, what is your mind focused on? I feel so belittled and stupid in front of my husband and kids. Stupid psychologists. I'll never go there again. I'll put up with this, but boy, I'll exact my revenge.

So notice the problem with the strategy that you don't reach anyone's mind by punishment, by embarrassing them, by mortifying them. So what does the teacher accomplish? And at what cost? She isolates your son, which intensifies his odd boy or bad boy status in front of the kids every day. This is a chronic situation. She makes the school a very unpleasant experience for him, and his focus is not on learning the material, but probably to get back revenge. And he's probably more motivated to exact revenge on her or disrupt the class.

So what is the solution? First of all, I would get a book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. That would be for you. Those you want, that latter book is on my website, DrKenner.com. Also, you need to talk with your son and even open up to him and say, "Honey, I think we made a major mistake this year. Let me know how it's affected you." Then don't jump in with any "Yes, buts," let your son pour out his heart. Don't lecture or hurt him, but find out in detail how he feels about it and what he sees as a better solution. He may say, "Well, just turn my desk around," or he may say, "Mom, I hate that teacher. I want out of that classroom," or "I want a different school."

The principal here is, you can't force a mind. I would also reframe, reframe his playfulness. It's good for more.

Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

John was a successful Broadway actor who worked regularly and happily on vacation. He met and fell in love with Sue, who lived in a small town in Oregon. She ran her own business and loved it very much. They followed an intense, long-distance romance that lasted almost a year. Wanting a permanent relationship, Sue ultimately demanded that John quit his New York job and move to the west coast to live with her. John complained that he could not pursue his acting career in Oregon and refused to give it up. Sue was furious at John's refusal. This conflict ended the relationship. Conventionally, one would call Sue selfish, but observe that her demand was not, in fact, in her actual self-interest because it destroyed a relationship that she greatly valued.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.