The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Gary, you're having some difficulty with child support or thinking about it?

Yeah, yeah, I'm give you a brief background. I've had full custody of my daughter since she was three, and she's how old now? 12. Okay, so I'm thinking about filing for child support, but I'm worried that her mother is gonna, you know, do something to upset my daughter, you know, like, sell your dad's cheap skate or, you know, something like that. Okay, and but you're you've really been the full parent. Is that what you're saying when you say you've had full custody? How much shared parenting is there?

Well, she, for the last about two years, has seen her on every Wednesday and every other weekend, okay? And you have her the rest of the time, yeah, tell me what your relationship is with your 12-year-old daughter. Really good. I mean, I help her with her homework. I coach her softball team, and we hunt together.

And what do you hunt?

Doves, yeah, yeah. And can you feel the emotion that you're feeling now? How would you describe that emotion? Can you notice it? I didn't mean feel it, but can you notice that emotion? What would you say? The emotion you're feeling right now is in just talking about hunting with her and coaching her softball team and helping her with homework. What emotion are you feeling? Gary, kind of hard to describe. I think it would be be the word. I don't know if love is an emotion or not sure.

It is, yeah, yeah, I can hear it in your voice. I don't have a picture of you in front of me right now, but your voice went from being kind of just you were like a court reporter, a newspaper reporter. You were just telling me, this is the situation. And the minute you started to talk about your 12-year-old daughter, your voice warmed up. You could feel the passion. I could almost picture you, envisioning picturing yourself with your daughter, playing, coaching her softball and hunting with her and having a lot of fun with her, helping her with her homework. So do you think that, if I hear it, that your daughter knows this about you, that she has nine years of data if she's been with you from age three to eight through age 12? Do you think that she knows how smiley you feel inside and how much love you feel towards her?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So if her mother tells how does she tell me, just in a snapshot, what's it like with mom? If, if she's with Mom, what type of an emotion does she feel towards mom? She may love her. I'm not trying to paint it one way or another.

Yeah, I think she loves her. She loves her mom.

Yeah. Why is her mom not the full-time parent?

Why isn't she? Yeah? How did her mom fail?

Well, she was a heavy drinker, and so there was some neglect and some abuse.

So, okay, what type of abuse give me one rotten visual that your daughter has in her mind when she was very young?

Well, this would be more like neglect, but she took her somewhere, and she got the worst sunburn that the doctors ever seen.

Okay, and how old was your daughter? Just ballpark. How old was she when that happened?

Yeah, she was about six.

Okay, that's a wanting to have anyone listening to, who has young children put on that sunblock and put on the little hats at any age, even thus, older folk, huh?

Okay, so six, she's six years old, and is when she gets together with mom. Is she craving for mom's attention? Or is it just generous? Or is it, is it a little, just off, just off a bit. You know, they just don't connect the way you guys do.

You know, I'm not that sure about that, because I'm not there, but I think that she craves her mom's love, yeah, yeah, because I know her, her mother been married now for about six years. Oh, the kids in the family. She has a half-sister and a half-brother that are in their 30s, married and has kids, but none living with the mom.

Yeah. Okay, and mom didn't. So, okay. So they're already older, okay, because here's what happens.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free@selfishromance.com and buy it@amazon.com huh? The Selfish path to romance, that is interesting, because here's what happens if your daughter already has an evaluation of you, which she necessarily has to have. Then if mom comes in and says, your dad's so cheap because he's—fill in the blank because he doesn’t want to pay what we—what are you looking not to pay child support? Right?

Yeah, I just like to get some help from her. I mean, I spent—oh, you're trying to school, okay? I paid for everything. And her mom's never paid for— I get it. I'm sorry. I reversed that. Yes, if you're saying I want mom to pay some child support, you know, she's—is she working now, or she's got some income?

Yeah, yeah. And so this is long overdue. Mom has not paid for a long time, so you've been carrying the bulk of everything, because you have full custody, right?

What are you anticipating that Mom—what's the worst thing that mom can say to your 12-year-old daughter?

Say that again, I'm sorry. What are your worst fears? What words do you think would come out of your ex's mouth, her mom's mouth, that could hurt your relationship with your daughter?

Do you want to live with me instead of your dad?

Okay, so the ultimate threat is that mom's going to try to get full custody. What do you think your daughter will say?

I think she would say no, or maybe say something like, well, I want to be with both of you.

Okay? And then what would mom do then to try to pressure her?

That I don't know. I probably, probably not that much. Might ask her more than once.

Okay, and what do you want to tell your daughter if you're pursuing the child support from your ex, from her mom?

Just want to tell her that I think her mom should be helping to support her, because, you know, she deserves it. My daughter deserves it.

Okay, so then, if mom doesn't support her, what will your daughter think?

Well, I don't know, because I don't know what she—how much she knows about it.

Okay, let me give you just because we're winding down on time here, my thoughts are that your daughter sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter, that your daughter cherishes. I don't know what her relationship with Mom is. I think this is a—this is a justice issue. It's not that. I just think it is, it is a justice issue. If you feel that mom should be pitching in, and if the situation were reversed, if it were a wife that was paying everything and she wants the delinquent husband to pitch in, I think this, the scent, the what you could tell your 12-year-old is simply, you know, I want it to be fair with mom, and I love what you said. I think you deserve this. And let's hope that mom, that mom works together with us, and we can co-parent well together, that this will work well, and let me know what goes on, honey, you know, try to keep connected with her.

So thank you so much for your call, Gary. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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