The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Tammy, you want to teach your young son how to overcome a fear of public speaking. How old is he?

He's 16. He's 16 years old, so he isn't young, young. And tell me what's going on.

Well, I'm the talk show host, okay, and my son is the co-anchor to the show. Oh, ace. This shows in the design layout, you know, the marketing for the program. He's there in that layout for advertising, and we're there together. I talk to him about everything on the show because it's a teen show.

Oh, very interesting. Yeah. So I tried, I looked at your blurb, and I saw that you said it was easy to build character with creative art, and that's a way to get children involved and to develop interest in hobbies together. So I decided to call in, you know, I thought, you know, you can owe me some excellent advice as to how to get him to get on the microphone.

Oh, so he works behind the scenes. That's his comfort level, but he doesn't actually want to talk live like we're doing now.

He said, I will, but he also said that, not right now.

Okay, so partly because you have a blog, part of good communication is listening. What do you know about him? When he said, I will, but not now? What is the but not now? What is his resistance as far as you understand it?

I think even though we go over the topics, I don't think that we're rehearsed as to how he would open, what would be his opening line, his comfort level as to unrehearsed and a rehearsed statement.

Okay, so partly, he hasn't stocked his subconscious with ideas, or what basically an opener, an icebreaker for himself, so he needs to be able to put some ideas in his own mind. Is it something he's motivated to do? Has he ever shared with you that this is something he would like to do? Or do you get a little more of a feel that it's something that you would love him to overcome for his own sake?

Well, we started the show because we have a poem that was published in a book. And after we received notice of the publication, we decided to let the theme continue. And so we started the show, and then we did some blur books. And so we try to come up with things that we do together so we can continue to develop our interest in hobbies together. But it's still, I think more, what am I going to say? And we haven't worked on an intro. I don't know, it was more like a skit because he does public presentations in school and in church. So I know he's a public speaker, but we haven't taken the time to write out, you know, our part as to which topic we would talk about, and you know what would be of interest.

Okay, so we hear that. Let me just tell you that one major point on motivation. If my father always wanted me to dance when we were really young, and he brought, you know, we back then we had a father-daughter dance, I was in what they call grade school. I don't know what they call it now, but he I took him to my father-daughter dance, and he so wanted to dance, and I felt so pushed to go out on that floor and dance with him that guess what I did that night?

What happened?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com.

Huh, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.

I took him to my father-daughter dance, and he so wanted to dance, and I felt so pushed to go out on that floor and dance with him that guess what I did that night?

What happened?

I never danced with him.

Never danced?

I felt so coerced. I felt so much pressure. It was not coming from within me, Tammy. It was coming from my parent, thinking that it would be a great thing for me to do, and I did not. I cringed at dancing for the longest time. It had to come from within me. Then I repeated the same error when I got married. My husband enjoyed kind of the freestyle dancing. And then when we got married, that's when we were dating. When we got married, I kept saying, "Oh my God, they're playing 'In the Mood.' Come on, let's dance." And guess what my husband did?

What happened?

What do you think he did?

No, he didn't dance for 19 years.

He did not dance. He stopped cold turkey. And guess who was trying to push him onto the dance floor? Me. So motivation by duty, by somebody outside of yourself trying to control your choices, backfires. Even if he did go out on the dance floor, would he have been a happy camper with me saying, "Come on, come on, get out here"?

I don't know.

He wouldn't have been. So it's the same with your son. If your son said, I will, but not now, one of the skills is just to be an amazing listener. Tell me about it, honey, and be open to the possibility that this might not be his thing in life. He might not want to do public speaking, or at least not now, or maybe not in this context with his mom. Maybe he wants a little more breathing room or independence.

It is also the issue. So one is active listening. It goes by different names, but basically you listen to him and you inquire. Another skill is motivation by love of values. When my husband finally decided to dance for himself, do you think I had a good partner?

Yeah.

Yes, I had. I have a wonderful partner. In fact, we danced today, and so we danced everything—the ballroom dancing, you name it: Viennese waltz, Fox Trot, Tango, cha-cha, rumba. So it's the same with your son. If he comes at public speaking for himself, you said he'll do it in church or at school, then he'll have his ownership. If he feels that he's doing it for mom or because mom is putting the pressure on him, it's going to be much harder for him to take the first steps to do it. He also needs, so it's active listening. It's motivation by love of values, by love of what he's doing coming from within Tammy, rather than feeling a little pushed by a parent or anybody else.

And the third thing is skills for public speaking. You're exactly right. If he doesn't know what to say to just start a conversation on the air, if he hasn't kind of primed the pump for himself, that's a skill he can learn if he wants to, because he's already 16 years old. You already have a teenager there, mid-teens.

So go ahead.

I think that, you know, we've covered some topics, and I think he's interested. I just don't know if I put the thought in his head, or if I've suggested to him to create a show like I've created. You know, the theme for most of the shows, you know, talking to him about it because of past conversations and because of, you know, situations that occur in our lives, right? But I believe it will be important to ask him to actually, like, you know, produce the show.

Okay, work with him if you try to direct it. I think he might resent it a bit. I know we're right down at the wire here. If you work with him and just say, "Honey, what ideas do you have? If you ever feel like, you know, trying to produce your own show or come up with a topic, let me know, and we'll play around with it." You make it light-hearted, and that's much more of an invitation.

Listen, thank you so much for calling, Tammy.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Ellen Kenner and co-author Edwin Locke.

Since you and your partner, despite differences, have values and ideas in common, there is often a natural assumption that your partner should be able to read your mind, and thus always know what you are feeling, thinking, or wanting. Rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader, communicate what is on your mind directly and assertively, while avoiding an attack on your partner's character. Actively seek more information to better understand each other. Anytime you feel frustration or resentment toward your partner over an issue, don't let the feeling fester. Bring the issue up tactfully and discuss it. If you've had a lifetime fear of openly expressing your feelings, wants, and desires, consider professional help.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.