The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Courtney, you're a deal. You're dealing with stress from having children. Yes, yeah, tell me. How many kids do you have?
I have two.
Two. What are their ages?
I have a four-year-old, and I have almost a two-month-old.
A two-month-old. Okay, so it's around the clock. It's around the clock. So tell me, what would you like help with? What's your question?
Okay, my question is feeling dealing with the stress with two children, honey, like I have a lot of stress. Like I stress a lot, like, with my little boy, you know, doesn't like to listen to me, yells at me, raises his voice, yeah. And I'm like, I got a lot of build up. Some days I want to cry. I just feel like busting out now. I mean, I'm just and I have no one to talk to.
Okay, are you married?
I'm engaged.
And what's your partner like in terms of being co-parenting? Pardon me, is, is, is, are these your partner's children? Are these not your partner's children?
Okay, these are both of our children.
Oh, so these are your joint children. What is he like in terms of a dad?
Really good.
Really? Give me just one quick example, or...
He's great with them.
Yeah, he's really great with the kids. He plays with them. And how is he? This is a different question. He can play with them, but so can grandparents. How is he with the day-to-day, the daily management, getting up, changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night, getting the formula ready or helping, you know, bring the baby to you if you're breastfeeding? I guess these two months...
He does really good with that.
Oh, so you feel like you've got a wonderful partner.
Yeah, so what is it? Tell me, what's your best guess as to what's going on with inside you? What do you say to yourself most, Courtney?
Well, sometimes I feel I'm not a good mom.
Okay, how was your mom towards you?
Really good.
Really. Yeah. Is she still alive?
Yes, she is, but she's not local. She can't help you out.
No, she actually lives in Florida.
Okay, so she states away. And do you—can you connect with her by phone at all?
Yeah, because you said that you had nobody to talk to, to talk it out with. Would she be a possible person to talk to?
Yeah, I talked to her, but I just don't get to talk to her much.
Okay? If you could have one stress reduced or removed, what would it be?
What hurts the most?
What hurts the most?
Yeah, it's mom. It's mom. I Mom doesn't have a moment to herself, not even a minute to be able to sit down and just breathe.
Okay, so your partner, your fiancé, doesn't spell you. He doesn't give you some time. He works. He works constantly. So he really is not co-parenting. He's working, and he's the breadwinner. Are you working at all?
No, so you're full-time with the kids and you're tearing your hair out.
Yes.
Okay, first, I want to let you know that that is—what do you think? It's 100% normal or not totally abnormal?
Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.
First, I want to let you know that that is—what do you think? It's 100% normal or not totally abnormal?
Some people say it's not normal. Some people are telling me it's normal.
Okay? It is normal to feel overwhelmed if you are in charge of every choice a child makes, from sun up to sun down and then some during the night, right? And you're monitoring over them, you absolutely need breathers. Now, if he's earning money, can you use some of that to get to maybe get a sitter in, or some, you know, to pay somebody to come in? Obviously, you'll choose well and to go to the gym or just to take a ride. I used to hire a sitter and sit, and we have a long driveway, sit at the end of my driveway and study it. Just had to get away. I used to use headsets and listen to wonderful music or take a course on tape while I was diapering my baby. Didn't know it, I'd be all smiles. I'd be taking a course.
I mean, I live right by a cemetery. I went for a walk.
Yeah, I've got a bingo here and there. I just ever—I mean, since I've had my baby, I've had her—a little girl, yeah, yeah.
It, I maybe have gotten out to, since she's been born, maybe took him three times just to myself, and that was either walking to the store or I'd go to bingo one night.
Okay, whatever it is you enjoy doing. Can you work with your partner? Do you have a little slush fund, a little extra money where you could get away a little bit?
Yeah, can you—is it possible to do it for at least a half hour a day?
Yeah, even if he can cover you when he comes home at night, and you just take a walk, or you sit in the hot tub or do something relaxing. So you need that time for yourself. You need downtime because one of the first things that goes is sex. I haven't asked you about that, but when a mom is overloaded the way you are, or a parent, if it's a dad, they get so resentful towards the other partner, towards the kids, towards their own life that they wish they had and don't have, that the last thing they feel is feeling like they want romance. It feels like another chore on their list. Is that the case with you, or am I way off base here?
Actually, it's similar to that.
Okay? It's the same way.
So I don't want you to rupture your romantic relationship, and I don't mean just sex—the mechanical sex. I mean the intimacy, the feeling valued by one another. So you want to remind you. Here's a few things you can do. You want to remind yourself of the values why you wanted kids in the first place. It may be hard in these moments, but there are joyous moments. So that's number one. When we get off the phone, make a list of the reasons, the benefits of having kids. Imagine not never being able to have them or something, and then say, “Oh, my God, I wish I had kids.” And think of your mom, because she enjoyed having fun with you. Think of the good times. Another thing you can do is think of the good times in your childhood and see if you can create those in your family. Number three is, get skills. Go to my website, DrKenner.com, Dr K, E, N, N, E, R.com, and there are—the gold standard of parenting books are on there, how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. That will help you with your four-year-old son. Number four, you definitely need the half hour a day, even if your husband just spells you for a bit. You need that downtime, whether you're sitting in the house but in a different room, away from any crying noise, or whether you can also—number five—could be you could use headsets or something so that you can enjoy your life even while you're parenting with the kids. If you can find a playgroup for your four-year-old, that will make life a little easier too on you. You know, some neighborhood groups, right? So those are some ideas that I hope help you. Courtney, thank you so much for your call.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner,
I told a guy, "I love him." What I meant to say was, "Oh, I love that." But I got so caught up that I yelled out, "Oh, I love you." And then all of a sudden, he got this look on his face like Indiana Jones running from the big ball.
Well, Roz, do you love him?
No, but I said it, so he should have said it back. It's just polite.
There is no more emotionally charged phrase in the language than "I love you." Some people are just incapable of saying it. It makes them too vulnerable.
And isn't that true? I see so many clients who come into my office, and they say, "You know, my dad never told me he loved me in all these years." You know, they could be in their 20s or 30s or 40s, and they said my dad or my mother was incapable of expressing love. She did everything functionally. I mean, we were the best-dressed kids, and the house was clean and everything seemed to be going well, but I never got that confirmation that she loved me. And that feeling that genuinely said—not a phony said the way Roz said it on Frasier—but a genuinely heartfelt "I love you" means so much and can carry us through a day and through a month or through a year in a way that you can't get any place. I mean, that's true emotional intimacy if it comes from somebody you truly love, they love you. And you're able to put it into words, to conceptualize it, to let each other know how profoundly you feel towards one another. And you can say it in different ways too, but somehow, the words "I love you" are very important for...

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologist Drs. Kenner and Locke.
Don't let money issues undermine love. Money is a common source of conflict in many romantic relationships. Many households are burdened by considerable debt, often caused by the loss of a job or undisciplined spending. Sometimes money problems are due to overspending or spending behind a partner's back, both of which constitute a lack of character. Spending more than you can afford is irrational. Money conflicts can be a serious problem even in partnerships that are otherwise promising. Both partners should know how much money they have, where it is, how it's invested, what future income to expect, and the details of their expenses and debts.
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.