The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here is a question that I received from Kara, who’s going through a divorce and she’s been married for seven years.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I'm going through a divorce after being married for seven years. Unfortunately, our divorce is affecting our three children, all under the age of 10, so three very young children. What is the best way to schedule parenting time between us? My husband's lawyer is suggesting one week per parent, back and forth forever.

Thanks so much, Kara.

So Kara, the question first: the "forever" part, or "on and on and on." You always want to be open to revising a schedule. Everybody learns when they first set up a schedule, a visitation schedule, or a co-parenting schedule. Everybody learns as they go. Does this schedule work for all three of our children? Does it work for me, given my work schedule? Does it mean work for me, given that I feel very attached to my children, and I don't want to see them gone for an entire week?

So you want to know that nothing's written in stone, and I would have the lawyer write that in writing, that this will come up for annual or semi-annual review to make sure that it's working. So nothing is in stone that way.

The second point is, nobody can answer this question but you. Just because your husband's lawyer suggests something doesn't mean that it's the solution. Obviously, that's why you're questioning it. You're seeking more information. You want to ask yourself privately, "What would that look like?" Do a thought experiment. Thought experiments are just picturing it in your own mind, moving forward, picturing it during the summer, picturing it during the winter, when some of the kids might be at school. I know you've got very young ones.

How will it work out with after-school activities? How will it work out personally for you? Do you need a little respite? Do you need a whole week respite from your kids? If you need a whole week respite, that may be a problem for your kids because they are young. They're going to need your attentiveness, your nurturing, your visibility. They're not going to want to feel abandoned from each parent every other week.

Another question is, what alternatives have you looked at? See if it fits into your lifestyle. If it doesn't, look at the alternatives. You can go online. My guess is you already have samples of these, but I just googled, and on about.com for single parents, you can see child custody schedules. The first one they talk about is the one that you're considering: alternating weeks.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

The first one they talk about is the one that you're considering: alternating weeks. You want to have some flexibility in that because you may want to swap weeks in case one person is always getting Christmas or a particular holiday and you want to share it, or one person always gets the vacation, just the way the weeks go.

Another way is, your husband is, in his lawyer suggesting alternating weeks, but you can have one night during the week where you have an evening visit or a mid-week overnight with the opposite parent, so the kids still keep the connection.

Then they go into schedules that are a little crazy, or they would be crazy for me: 223-day rotations. I mean, if you get into a rhythm of it, that’s one thing, but sometimes, it was an old movie, "If it's Tuesday, it must be Belgium," a family traveling to different countries, and they were just very confused. You know, if it’s Tuesday, what day in the rotation are we in? Is it mom's or dad's day?

There's also a 3344-day rotation and a 2255-day rotation. So already, you can see it’s a little more confusing. You do want to simplify it for yourselves and the kids.

And then you also want to listen very carefully to your kids. They don't call the ultimate shots, but you do want to listen to their concerns and answer their concerns. I’m assuming both parents are stable and safety issues are fine; otherwise, it might be very different.

You want to spend time with each of the kids again. The main thing is the visibility. Three things: the visibility, the kids need to feel valued, cherished, cared for, and nurtured. Another thing is that they shouldn’t be hearing you arguing and fighting over things. That’s very damaging. I know it’s hard going through a divorce, but try to protect them from that.

The third is feeling abandoned by one parent. Maybe one parent just gives up; they don’t want to deal with the guilt and fly far away.

Listen, I've written an article that's on my website, drkenner.com, and it's called "Parent Partners: A Rational Plan for Nurturing Your Child After Your Marriage Ends." I recommend a book, "Helping Your Child Through the Divorce," which I think will help with that also.

There’s also a phenomenal book for kids, and I use this a lot in therapy. My book’s falling apart. Sometimes I spend a whole session on one or two pages, and that’s "Dinosaurs Divorce." It really helps kids open up and express what's going on. It gives them the freedom to do that.

And you do want to listen to them. You will try to again in the custody. Going back to the custody schedule for a moment, do the kids want to be in one neighborhood or another? Do they like the bedroom in one parent's home over another? Are there friends in that area? So listen to your children and work it into whatever arrangement you make.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

That's the prize: a free buffet. Oh, well, no, actually, it's not a buffet. It's a special reception at 10 o'clock in the penthouse conference room where a spectacular once-in-a-lifetime opportunity awaits you. What do you think?

I think it's some kind of scam. Oh good, a scam. We’ll do it.

Do you know people in your lives who are taken in by scams? I mean, that's a cute scene from "Rat Pack." However, it's a scam.

We’ll do it on some level. If you know you're involved in a scam, if you know somebody soliciting something, we get the telemarketers all the time, or we get the emails that say, "Oh, you've won some vacation. Just give us your social security number, the name of all your kids, and your puppy and whatnot." You know the routine, and you know they immediately go into the trash. For me, most of them go into my spam filter.

But if someone calls up, it’s the same thing. I hang up. I usually ask them, "Have I asked you to call? Are you a telemarketer?" and then I hang up, or I push one or two or whatever number they want to take me off the list.

But the point is, are you taken in by scams? If you feel like you want something for nothing, whether it’s gambling, I think gambling is a scam. I think it’s a huge scam. All you have to do is look at casinos. You see how much money, how much of your money, or people who are duped, they get, they’re very wealthy, they’re rolling in the dough.

And should it be allowed on a free market? Of course. It is a scam, and buyer beware. You’re the one that needs to know that if you’re putting quarters into a machine or laying money on the table, if it’s your earned money, it’s your money.

You should raise an eyebrow, or maybe it’s a mental eyebrow. Should I be doing this? Oh man, tune into that. That is your self, your subconscious, feeding you information. Honey, this ain’t a good deal.

Even if you win, it’s not a good deal. In fact, that makes you more vulnerable if you win because you draw what conclusion? You draw that gambling is healthy for you, and long-range gambling is not healthy.

Using your mind rationally, there are a lot of things you can do other than gamble. I know some people use it for, in quotes, recreation. Many people use it for escape. Many people use it for, oh, just a way, hoping that they can take a shortcut in life. And it doesn't end up being that.

Many of us have been touched by people in our close environment. I certainly have worked with many people in therapy, and I've seen families absolutely destroyed by gambling and other bad choices too. So it’s not just gambling.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this next. Here’s an excerpt from "The Selfish Path of Romance" by psychologist Dr. Kenner and Locke.

Most people are aware that men can become aroused sometimes within seconds, by as little as seeing their partner walk through the door. Women, in contrast, take longer and require more of an emotional context. There are exceptions, but this holds true for most couples.

This is not to say that men do not need a context for sex, but typically, they can get in the mood much faster. How do you create that emotional context? The first step is to have a close, intimate relationship. But even this doesn’t mean that each of you will be in the mood all of the time, or even at the same time.

Your desire may vary depending on many factors: your age, health, medications, energy level, work demands, time pressure, personal mood, or time of day or month, or some specific event, for example, seeing a romantic movie.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.