The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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I want to welcome the CHE to the phone. Did I pronounced that right? Che?

Yes.

And you have twins. What age?

Four years.

Four years old? And what's going on with them?

Um, well, they were born early and 27 weeks gestation.

Okay, so they were preemies in the hospital for a while.

Yes, my son. He's the one who had the, I'd say, the roughest time. He's been sick since the day he was born.

And what's going on with him when you say sick?

He has lung. He had lung issues. He had problems with you know, his muscle tone. He was always so tight. He had a lot of a lot of issues with Dima a lot of issues.

Okay. Sorry to hear that. And so you have a son and a daughter. They're fraternal twins.

Yeah.

Okay. And what's going on that that made you pick up the phone and give me a buzz?

They started preschool. I went to the preschool to do, you know, a meeting with the teachers, you know, just to give them an update on you know, their progress, right. They just told me that Jeffrey is having the, you know, behavioral issues at school that I didn't know about.

Yeah, for how long?

They say he has, you know, outburst, like random outbursts. And they don't, it's like, they can't pinpoint the reason why he's having them. They're saying that he's, you know, that hit a hitting himself in the head or anything like that. Yeah. He does not present these behaviors at home.

Okay, so what goes through your mind?

Do my mind, I'm just saying, you know, it's hard to believe when nobody's telling me these things.

Right? How long has it been going on? Did they say,

Damn, they said, since he started school,

I would be livid as a parent if they had not told me. But the lividness doesn't get me anywhere, as you know, Che.
So you know, the thing is, how do I help him? How do I reach out to my son who's four years old? is fine at home? He's fine at home with his sister and you?

Yes, he's happy go lucky.

Oh, I love it. I love it. Because that is very good news. If you have a happy go lucky kid, please hold on to that image of Jeffrey. Because you don't want to buy into, oh my God, I've got a bad kid or something. Because then you will start seeing things. You know how when if someone says, If someone told me, Ellen, you don't look that good. Today, I might look in a mirror and look at a magnifying mirror to see everything that's wrong with me. You don't want to do that. You want to be able to see the best in your kids and to have skills because we need to civilize our kids. They're not born civilized. You want skills to be able to help him out. So what do you what? Do you think that it's just recent behavior? If you think the I don't know what she means when she said it started school began to she mean, at the beginning of this year, or

Yes. She said, these behaviors every day, some days are okay. And some days are really bad.

Oh, I Well, I would also be upset with myself because it's like, why didn't I check on this earlier? But if you don't suspect it, you don't ask the questions. So tell me what he's doing.

Okay, they said that he wants, you know, he gets on school bus every single day. Yeah. So, you know, when I put them on a bus, he's happy. He says bye bye to me and he smiles these things. Okay. Okay, once they started to get them off the bus, they said he was just immediately started, you know, crying and giving them a hard time.

Okay, so I would want to know, right then and there. When someone cries, they usually don't just cry. They usually say words like I miss mommy or I want to go home. Or I don't want to be with Joey at school today or I miss my lunch or, you know, what's he saying?

The thing is, is that the reason why ma'am preschool is because of their speech delay. Okay. learning difficulties.

Yeah. So he can't speak very well.

No, the thing that they're working on, he's improving, but it's just, they're telling me difficult for him to, you know, difficult to have to advance when he's just, you know, having these outbursts, random outbursts,

okay, so, I don't believe that, you know, unless there's something medically wrong and you did say there were a few problems. You know, you could have been medically checked doubt by your pediatrician. But unless there's something medically wrong, things don't tend to be random. I would, especially since he's doing well at home. So mache, I would want to go in myself if you haven't done it yet and observe.

Let me give you a quick story . . .

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

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So Che, I would want to go in myself, if you haven't done it yet. And observe. Let me give you a quick story. My daughter, I used to take her to ballet classes. And she loved it. She had a lovely teacher who was playful. She you know, at the age of four years old, she used to give them ribbons and scarves to dance around with and she made ballet. So much fun for the kids. I mean, you went I would probably love doing it. Just you know, dancing to music very pretty. Then my daughter got the best teacher and one of the best teachers in the state. She got a new teacher. And all of a sudden my daughter wants to quit. And she's not a happy camper. She doesn't want to include in quotes get off the bus she doesn't want to go. So I'm real curious to guess what I did. So you observed, I went into one of her classes with this top notch ballet teacher. And I wouldn't want to spend one minute with this teacher. This teacher was so bad. I don't know how she got a reputation because she's good at ballet, but she's not good at teaching young kids. And she was so mean to the kids. And the the just wasn't the joy. She was rigid. She seemed indifferent to them or mean. And so I pulled my daughter out of that class right away. And uh, you may not have that option, and it may not be a teacher, who else could it be? Who else is in that class?

There are assistants that assistant teachers, the children. Yeah. And there are therapists also, then who gets occupational therapy and speech therapy.

So I would want to observe each of them a few times, maybe even go in unannounced. I mean, you need to let them know that you'll be coming in and put work with them. Tell them you want to work with them on the problem to see for yourself what's going on. You're curious if he can talk at all, or express himself even with pictures, does he draw it all? Even if you're scribbled,

they have a device where the pictures and he will know the picture and tell them? Like I want cereal, or I want my snack or anything like that? So we communicate through pictures.

Okay, so maybe he could write a picture of expressions? What's he what he's feeling? There are pictures of different expressions that kids can have, you know, happy, sad. I had a big poster of a cute kid who had all different moods on him. And you could point to the mood, what he's feeling. And if he's angry, he's feeling like something's not fair. What is not fair at school, that's what you're looking to find out. As a parent, instead of punishing him, you want to draw him out. If your daughter will talk, or if one of the aides will talk. I would interview multiple people who are involved in his life, whether it's occupational therapy, or speech therapy, or the AIDS and just ask for independent, what they're observing and what they think is the cause. Because the more data you get, the more likely you are to help him. And I would also get what I would say is my favorite book in parenting mache. I know we only have a moment left, it's how to talk so kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk. I know he has difficulties, but I think that would help you as a parent. Listen, thank you so much for your call. Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner . . .

Yes! Yes!! I'm gonna be an actor! Ever since I can remember I wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year. But of course my father wouldn't let me. For the first time in my whole life. I know what I wanted. And for the first time, I going do it, whether my father wants me to or not !

And that's from Dead Poets Society. And have you ever had that relief in your life? Whether it's with your father or your mother or your maybe parent or the I guess that is a parent but maybe a teacher or something trying to tell you what to do with your life and you don't want to be on that track and yet you feel beholden you feel guilty. You don't know how to speak up for yourself. And finally you just break free and you say, I'm going for it with equals Carpe Diem, and you go after your goal and can you do it without a lot of conflict inside, if in your mind, you've always felt beholden or chained to a parent, a mother or a father. Or it could be an older sibling or a grandparent, you always felt like you had to live in the shadow of someone else's life, and live your life the way they wanted you to live their life.
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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

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