The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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Terry, welcome to the show. Your you're having problems with your three year old.

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, tell me what's going on?

Well, now to make it short, his mother is not in the picture. But he took that, all signs, very well. Didn't ask hardly anything about her or mentioned her. So it didn't seem like too much trauma, with that the only time that he does mention it is if he gets disciplined or something like that, which would seem to be normal. But the reports I'm getting back from from daycare, is that anytime he is told, or asked to do something, he is very willing. And they're saying, hey, look, what are you doing with this kid home? He's, he's a great kid. I wish all of them were that way. And, and, and I that just is just reconfirmation. I knew he was but he'll recently in the last couple of weeks, seems that he's had a personality change. He is crying at a drop of a hat. He's getting very upset. over very small issues.

Normally I could, I could, as long as I would explain it to him as much as you could to a two and a half. He would actually take that instruction, as long as it was told to him, what was fixing to happen, he would accept that. In even along that lines. And now he is of course testing the limits. But there seems to be a really, really hard personality switch. That's happened and I'm at a loss. You know, I nurture him and we have a routine were structured at home, we do lessons. We try to do you know, everything that I can do.

Okay, so do let me the first piece of that. The first point I want to make, Terry, is that you need to still hold on to your images of your child as a sweet kid, rather than he had a hard personality change, even if you're observing that, because that sweet kid is still there someplace. Something has gone off base in the last couple of weeks. And the first one of the things that I mean, you don't want to cast your kid in a hard roll in cement. like, Ah, this is the whiner. And this is the naggy kid. And this is the kid who's shy and this is the kid who's bumbling when, when we when we type set our kids in negative ways. It's much harder for us and for them to break out of that. So you want to remember that sweetness and look for moments when that happens. So that's the first point.

The second point is you've probably done this many times turning things over in your mind. What has changed in the last week? Or you said when did it start? A couple of weeks? When did what changed within the last couple of weeks?

Well, that's just it, you know. I'm pretty, I'm pretty aware of the events that transpire in our lives because it's just us. And it's my responsibility now. So I'm pretty aware of things that are going on. And there's really been nothing out of the normal. That's happened that would, you know, point me in that direction. You know, this is what's happening.

Oh, yeah. Okay, so there's no trauma that there's no kid in school who said something like you don't have a mommy or anything like that?

Well, and you know, now that you say that I did think about that is that when he's in daycare, he may be picking up on other children's negativity, or they're acting out. Right kids?

Do all I can think of right? Kids do mimic new behavior. We all do it. If I see someone dancing prettier than I can dance, guess what I do in private? I have a kid, right? So whether it's good or whether it's bad, it's new. And when I do role plays in therapy, I'm a person who's pretty low keyed. And when I do role plays in therapy, and I take the role of a mean person or a real angry person. It's a new role for me and I try it out. Well, kids are just learning. He's only three years old. And he's exploring he's exploring maybe he's been on the receiving end of someone saying you're stupid, or something like that and or I don't have to do it. Now. That's the third point I want to make.

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

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Now that's a third point I want to make if he's saying, I don't have to do this, or I don't want to do this, what is he just discovered? You tell me. Well, if I asked you if you want sardine ice cream right now, if I said to you, Terry, I've got some sardine ice cream for you to eat. What might you say to me?

That title? I don't particularly like that.

Well, you got to try it. I'm the parent. Oh, you discovered your own mind, your own preferences, your own desires, your ability, a child's ability to say no. If done properly, if you have the right parenting mindset, is actually their discovery of their independence. It's not a huge negative. You don't want to kid who's always looking your boots and saying yes to everything you say? Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. So the next the another point is, okay, what do you do? If you're like most parents, we all try to discipline we try to do the right thing and it blows up in our face we try to be sweet it backfires. We try to put our foot down it backfires. And one author call this a mutual frustration society for the parent and the kids, your your perpetual enemies. And you don't want to get locked in that mindset with your own child. And you've luckily had a long period of being a single dad, but having a very good history with one another. So if if can you give me one quick example of something your son said no to? You usually go some long

Yes, but I'm gonna tell off on myself. Okay. Recently on under self reflection, pretty much as test ties myself for not strapping him in his car seats and different things like that. Taking chances. So I know that's my fault. But he has, like you had stated he has come out with his own opinion or made up his mind. Hey, look, you know, I don't want this. And that's the first thing that comes to mind. Because it's an immediate thing that he's been saying.

Oh, so he's, he's not used to sitting in a car seat. Now he has to sit in the car seat because he's sitting in the straps he does not like, and you've been a really good example because that is directly mine.

Okay.

But your honesty will serve you well, because you can change that around. So here's what happens if he says, I don't want the seat, the seat strapped in. And if you say, Well, I'm sorry, but you have to do what we have to go now. Get in the seat right now. Listen to me. I'm your dad. You know, it sounds nice. And it's all bad parenting. It poor. I mean, it's going to backfire on you because he'll say no. So instead of that you can he can say I don't want to get in the seat now with the belt on. Honey, I hear it. I hear that as I'm as I'm clipping the belt, I will know that you don't want to be in the seat right now. What did I just do differently?

Set boundaries, what? You set boundaries.

I mean, I listened to him. I used to skill from a parenting book that made me a phenomenon much better parent than I ever would have been. I would have been a lousy parent. It's how to talk so kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk. It's on my website, Terry. Dr. kennedy.com. The skill I just used was granting his wish and fantasy. I hear how much you don't want to use your seatbelt. I wish for your sake. I could say you don't and I'll know that you're really sad or upset about it as I'm clipping it on. And here's your little teddy to keep you company. Listen. We're I know we're right at the end of time. If you want to hang on I'll speak with you during the break.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

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If your partner just doesn't talk or want to listen, even after repeated attempts to communicate, they might have narcissistic tendencies such as holding the premise that you are supposed to listen but not vice versa. a one way street relationship such a partner will never make an ideal soulmate or anyone partners also failed to communicate because they are trying to hide their true or deepest selves. They may fear something about themselves or perhaps they have no authentic selves. Your partner may not talk much simply due to shyness. You can do a lot to bring your partner out of his or her shell by being warm, open and encouraging. Another reason that your partner doesn't make communication a conscious priority is that he or she may not consider you important translation your partner does not really love you a painful discovery.

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