The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

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Angela, you have a child who has some difficulty, yes?

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, he's having problems focusing in school, and he's often forgetful, and starting to his grades have been going down, and he's starting to get in trouble as far as behavior.

Okay, and how old is he?

He's 13. He's 13 years old. And when was he at his best in grade school?

Up to about fifth grade, he made A's and B's and did great in school. And then after about fifth grade, he just started losing his focus and things.

And what happened in fifth grade that you can point to, that is a possible suspect for this?

Well, I had recently got married and we moved away, so I don't know, maybe that could have been a factor.

After fifth grade? Right before fifth grade?

Right before fifth grade. And you moved away from your son. Was he living? No, we were living in a different town, and we kind of moved away from family.

Okay, did that seem to affect him?

Sad? Because not, right? He didn't really show like any depression signs or anything. That's the only thing that I noticed. Was after a while, his schooling had kind of went down.

Yeah, and what did he say about it? What is it? Because sometimes kids actually tell you what's going on just in there. When they get angry or they're frustrated, they may say, "Well, if you didn't move away, I could still be with my friends," or "I could have still played baseball or basketball." So did he? What clues has he given you?

Well, he hasn't really said anything like that. As far as he hasn't really, I mean, I asked him that maybe how he's feeling, but he always says, "No, that, you know, that's my highest feeling." Oh, he just says he just forgets. He forgets to turn in assignments. He forgets where papers are at.

Have you ever had that happen to you where you just forget something? You go through a period of time and you're forgetting things?

Oh, yeah. You don't know where your keys are. You just feel discombobulated. What do you notice about that? If you can focus on a recent time in your life when that happened, what do you notice was happening?

They had a lot of stress, a lot of things that I had that had to be done in a certain amount of time.

Okay, so you're on overload, right? What could be another? Is he on overload? Too many courses, or he just doesn't have the organization, he doesn't have the study skills? He's in what grade right now?

He's in eighth. He's in eighth grade. Oh, that gets tougher in eighth grade. Does he have the study skills?

I didn't have them for a while. Not really, no. I think I got them after I got out of Brown University, which is not too cool. But then I realized, oh my God, look at these organized study skills.

Okay, so he could get some study skills at school. And how do you try?

He's been diagnosed with ADD?

No, he hasn't. He hasn't. I'm currently trying to work with the schools to see if they would have him tested.

This is my concern with ADD, many with the diagnosis itself. What do you know about it?

First, I know that it can. Some children are hyper, which he's not hyper. He just, it's just not focused, right?

Yeah, okay, well, it's a diagnosis that's readily given out. Sometimes it's been called the disease du jour. You know that, like the soup du jour, when you go into a restaurant, right? It's just too readily given out. I had a colleague who every kid that came into his office walked out with a label: ADD or ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Now, when you think of your own childhood or friends, of yours who friends that you know in our childhoods, there are many times when we don't pay attention to schoolwork and we don't like our parents' chores, and we buck against the system. We buck the system, right? Or we don't. We can pay a lot of attention to a video game right up after that, but we can't pay much attention to schoolwork, right? And we're disorganized. We're just not motivated. And you may lose some things. You may feel easily distracted.

Well, believe it or not, that's part of what you need to get this diagnosis. Now, what kid doesn't have that at times? Right? What kid doesn't blurt out answers before the questions have been completed? Right? I know the answer, I know the answer. Or you have difficulty waiting your turn. Oh, can I go first? Can I go first?

So, he may get that diagnosis, but, and it may be disruptive, but I think the diagnosis does damage too, because then kids feel like they're somehow defective, right? And they get put on some medication. Now I'm not saying that there aren't some kids that warrant this. It used to be called minimal brain damage. Guess why they changed the name?

Yeah, is that a popular name? Do you want to say? Oh, guess what my kid has. Oh, don't you pity me. My kid's got minimal brain damage. You know, people don't like that name, so they changed it to a whitewash name, and now everybody wants it, even the adults have ADD, right?

Right, so that's, I know you had asked the person screening the calls about ADD. That's why I brought that up. So I look at it as, hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. So I look at it as a motivation issue. I want my kids to be excited about what's going on in school. When I see that that's not happening, I go into detective mode, which is what you and I started doing.

It could be that when you got married, that many things change. When you get married, he may not have as much attention. He may not like—Is this his biological dad that you married, right?

Oh, it is.

No, no, he's not.

Oh, it's not. So it's a new man in the picture, yeah, and he's still connected with dad on the outside?

No, oh, he's cut off from dad.

Yes, they may. Yeah, his father hadn't really been in his life.

Okay? So it could be related to that. Kids may be asking him, you know, what about your dad? And he gets confused, or he doesn’t know how to deal with that. It could be that there's a bully in his life.

Okay, kids picking on him at school. Does he? Is he someone that talks openly with you?

No, no, he doesn't.

So you want to get a book, "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk." It came out in 2005. It's by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It's just not up on my website yet, but there are other books out: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." My website's DrKenner.com, and they also have a book "How to Talk So Kids Will Learn."

Because if any of us are motivated by duty, fear, or guilt, you gotta do this. You have to do your homework. Now, where do you think you're going, young man? Sit down and do your homework. You have chores to do. What do we feel when someone says that to us?

Pressure, stress.

Angela, have you done the dishes yet?

Right?

Yeah, annoyed.

You're annoyed, yeah, under your breath you're saying, "Oh, can't stand her," right?

Right? So if I said to you, "Angela, let's have a race. I'll help you with the dishes, and we'll get them done soon," right? You'll be more willing to do it. It's playful.

If you know the parenting skills to motivate a child through a love of his own efficacy, his own mind developing, if he can get that joy and grow it, then you've got a kid who's on the right track in life.

Okay, so it's learning the skip parenting skills, working with him, and also doing the detective work to make sure that his withdrawing from school is not a red flag saying, "Hey, I'm in trouble. There's a bully here," or "There's someone abusing me," or "Something else behind the scenes."

Okay, okay, and work with the teachers. Sometimes teachers are great, sometimes they're not so great, and you know why the kids aren't motivated.

Thank you so much for your call. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

One issue to consider when learning about a potential romantic partner is the issue of health. Does a potential partner have any health problems that would frustrate you or become intolerable to live with on a daily basis? For example, does he or she have allergies to cats or an inability to join you on the ski slopes because of knee problems, a