The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

If you have kids in their pre-teens, maybe eight, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, in that age range, and you think of having a birthday party for them, what do you think of doing? Do you think of scavenger hunts, maybe a pool party or a trivia contest, things they enjoyed in their childhood, or maybe a carnival, or even having a slip and slide at a pool party? Listen to this. See what your gut response is to this and how you would answer your daughter if she came home and said she wanted to go to her best friend's party. The best friend's turning 13, and this is what's going on.

Dear Dr Kenner, my 12-year-old daughter was invited to her girlfriend's birthday party. The friend is turning 13. There will be boys their age at the party as well. The friend’s parents organized activities, including games in bathing suits. I think that is inappropriate and objectifying, and I told my daughter she will not be able to participate. She got angry and doesn’t seem to understand, saying that, “Hey, Dad, it’s just for fun.” She’s only 12 years old, so I am having a hard time explaining it to her. Am I being overprotective and unreasonable? If not, how do I explain to her in a way that she sees that I am not just trying to keep her from having fun, but that this type of objectification can ultimately negatively affect her in many ways?

A confused and caring parent, Andrew.

Andrew, this is a challenging situation where your best parenting skills come in. You need to set limits with your kids. It isn't just that anything fun goes. For example, attending parties with games that are not age-appropriate. You need to figure out how to set limits.

So the first thing I would do would be to ask your daughter what she knows about this party, and ask yourself what you know about the girl who's turning 13 and her parents. The second thing I would do is call the friend’s parents and ask them directly about the activities planned at the party.

If you find out that your daughter may have misunderstood the situation and that it’s just harmless fun, it’s a different story. However, if you feel uncomfortable with the activities described, you can tell your daughter that sometimes parents need to make difficult decisions to protect their children.

In terms of how to talk with your daughter, your question was, “Am I being overprotective and unreasonable?” Absolutely not. And how do you convince her that this is not the way to have fun? Remind her of other fun things you’ve done together, like trips, activities, or hobbies, and offer alternatives.

Setting limits is essential, and sometimes it means helping our kids handle disappointment. You can give your child something else to look forward to, perhaps planning another fun outing with friends to celebrate in a way that aligns with your values.

For more Dr Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner and Dr Edwin Locke:

You do not need to personally value everything that your partner or spouse values in order to encourage action. For example, he might enjoy watching action movies and playing golf, while she might enjoy reading mystery novels and hiking. This is not a problem, as long as each shows respect for the other's values, assuming that the values are rational. Of course, if you have no values in common, the question arises: Why are you partners at all? You cannot make your partner into something they aren’t, and you cannot make your loved one into your image. You need to find the right person for you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.