The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's a question that I received from Nadine.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I got into a heated argument with my boyfriend yesterday, and he made a low-blow comment about my having a large butt. I didn’t make any type of insult to him that would warrant this, and I guess he was just trying to get even by hitting me where it hurts. I demanded that he apologize to me immediately, but he refused. So I walked over to where he was, slapped his face, and again, demanded an apology. He got angry and walked out, shoving me a little bit on the way to the door. Do you think I was too harsh with him? I'm not sure where to go from here, Nadine.

So, Nadine, I think you know that you were too harsh with him, because otherwise you wouldn’t have taken the time to write me. And the biggest problem there is that you cut the communication lines with him. Force begets force. You used force against him. You slapped his face, and what happened? He shoved you. Neither of you communicated about what was getting under his skin or what was getting under your skin, what was bothering you. I don’t think the issue is fundamentally about your butt. You mentioned maybe you’ve slipped, I don’t know, but you said he was trying to get even for something. So even if you didn’t do something right before he made that comment, he was getting even for something. And maybe you have a clue as to what that is. Maybe you didn’t, but the butt comment, the butt insult, was covering up something else, I suspect. By focusing on the insult, you didn’t get what he was driving at.

So here are two points. What if someone made a comment like that and you felt more like you were Teflon—it could roll off of you, and it didn’t hurt you. You didn’t personalize it. He said, "You have a big butt," and instead of taking it to heart, it puzzles you. You’re curious: why did he attack me? You think, and you shift your focus from the content of what he’s saying (about my butt being big) to his method of delivery. "You have a big butt." You can hear in my tone or mannerism that I’m intending an insult there. So I put the focus back on him, and I could say to him, "You know, wow, I’m really curious as to why you’re saying that about my butt. Something else must be bothering you. Would you be willing to let me know what it is?"

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

You know? "Wow, I’m really curious as to why you’re saying that about my butt. Something else must be bothering you. Would you be willing to let me know what it is?" At that point, you’re trying to get to a core issue. What has gotten under his skin? It’s not just the insult. And again, you had said he was trying to get even. So you’re more likely to draw it out of him. You’re inquiring.

The second point I want to make is, you mentioned that he was hitting you where it hurts. So you are unhappy with your physique. If you had a great butt that you loved, or even whatever size it was, if you were just happy with your butt, and he says, "You have a big butt," you’d say, "Yeah, I love it." It wouldn’t upset you. But if it’s upsetting you, and he knows it’s a sore point, then obviously he’s picking on it. But if it’s something about your own body that you dislike, then you want to figure out, "Do I want to take any action?" For example, in the past, I was so sensitive about my hair growing up; my hair was so frizzy, and it still is now, if I don’t treat it. Years ago, that would have been my sore spot, my "butt." If someone said to me—let’s say my sister said to me—"Oh, your hair is so frizzy." And not having the skills I have now, I would have thought to myself, "I wish I had these back then." Is it a fact or not? Is my hair frizzy? And if I looked in the mirror, I could look at my sister and say, "Yeah, it really is, isn’t it?" And that kind of blows the wind out of her sails. She was hoping to attack me, and I took her literally. "Is my hair frizzy or not? It’s a fact, and yes, I would like to change it."

You could do the same with the butt comment. You could say, "Yes, I know my butt’s big, and I plan to go back to the gym and maybe firm it up a little bit, and then I’ll have a nicely firm butt." So you refuse to take it as an insult.

And I could also add, with my sister, like I did earlier, "Wow, I’m curious as to why you’re saying that. You sound upset. Something must be bothering you. Would you be willing to let me know what it is?" So again, you’re inquiring. Notice, the whole time, I’m handling myself with dignity. I’m not demanding apologies. Where does that get you? Nowhere. You’re going to get hollow apologies, the ones that sound like, "I’m sorry, I’m sorry for whatever I did," or resort to hitting him. So you don’t demean yourself this way.

So, our book—I wrote a book with Dr. Ed Locke—The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. And by "selfish," we mean self-esteem, self-valuing. We don’t mean the mean, rotten way to romance. We have a whole section on just communication skills that will work, and I think that will help you.

So I hope that helps, Nadine.

Here is a comment I got from Mary, who I'd like to pass on to you, because I think it’s very important. She said, "I heard your advice on a stepdaughter acting out by biting, kicking, etc. My daughter, now 15, used to act this way at the same time I divorced her abusive father, and yes, she did act out more when I went through the divorce, whenever there was a change taking place. But there was a time when my daughter acted out a lot, and then she confessed recently that during that time, her stepbrother, who was living with her dad, had been sexually abusing her. I was taking her to counseling at the time, and the counselor only addressed the behavior and how to change the behavior; she never asked my daughter what was going on to cause the behavior. My daughter is much better now and has been through counseling due to the abuse, but I would suggest counseling to anyone in this situation, and to ask the child, 'Why? What is bothering them most?' Not just look at solutions for behavior."

So really take that to heart. If somebody is crying for help—that’s what they call it, a "cry for help"—sometimes, when kids act out like that, you want to take them seriously. And again, try to make them comfortable enough to disclose if there is abuse. You don’t go asking for it; you can’t force somebody to speak. And perpetrators, unfortunately, use two methods. They use bribes or threats. Bribes: "This is our little secret. I’ll give you candy if you keep it," or a threat: "If you tell anyone, I’ll kill your cat." You know, something on that order. So sometimes kids are terrified to speak up about physical or sexual abuse, and they usually feel very shameful.

Early in my practice, I worked with many abused children, and I was subpoenaed frequently in abuse cases to be an expert witness and to disclose what I learned from the young children so that they could be protected. It was chilling to see the effect that such abuse had on them. And in therapy, I helped them disclose, and to the best of my ability, I made sure that they got the protection they needed against the perpetrator.

So I’m glad your daughter received the help and that she’s doing better.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. Toll-free: 1-877-DrKenner. That’s toll-free, 1-877-DRKENNER.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"It is impossible to fake one’s own character indefinitely. The longer you know someone, the more likely you’ll be able to see that person’s real, whole self. Negative assessments often require less analysis than positive ones. Rejection upon first meeting is totally warranted if the other person reveals qualities that you clearly see as antithetical to your own. Consider a first date who is vulgar, mindless, and rude and expresses ideas that are deeply offensive to you. In such an instance, you do not