The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Oh, my God, here. Have a rainbow by Dr. Honey Snow, Mike, definitely helping you. Listen to this stuff. It's absolute drivel.

Yeah. Well, for someone who writes dribble, she's awfully popular.

Oh, really fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault.

What do you know, they like it in terms of trying to always let yourself off the hook. Nothing I do is my fault. That was from Fraser or everything I do is my fault.

Notice, your own mind judges yourself, and you can't fool yourself. Whatever you did that is your fault, meaning you deliberately made bad choices. Your mind keeps track of and whatever you did where you made good choices, your mind keeps track of that too. So you're going to be your own self-evaluator, and that's where self-esteem comes in.

And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and you're listening to the rational basis of happiness.

And here's the email from a woman who is in love with two men. And you may have been in that situation where you've been in love with two different individuals, and you don't know what to do. You can't, you can't be in love with two people. I mean, you can be in love with them, but you can't live with them and share a day-to-day life with two different individuals. Many people try that, but they have to do double bookkeeping in their mind. It's very difficult.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I've fallen in love with two men. I'm married to one of them, my husband, John. I've been under a lot of stress with John for the past two years. He's had nine brain surgeries. John cheated on me just prior to his brain surgeries, and we never had a chance to work on our marriage prior to his illness. A close guy friend, Morris, has supported me through thick and thin. Both of us were angry with the way John treated me when he cheated. Now, Morris helps me take care of my husband. He also helps me take care of my handicapped brother and my mother, who had a stroke. That's a tough life to have three people that you have to be a caretaker to.

I am a good girl, and I don't fool around with Morris, but I'm deeply in love with him. Morris says he will wait forever. He tells me that I'm down to earth and loving. He's not interested in anyone else. Although he lives with my girlfriend in a financial arrangement, they're not in love. I have had to lie to her because I don't want her to know how connected Morris and I have become. Morris tells me that many women have hurt him, and I don't want to hurt him. If my husband passes on, I will marry Morris. I feel sorry for my husband, John. I don't want to hurt him either. I can't hurt anybody. I help a lot of people, and always have. I am torn and very anxious. I can't stop loving John and Morris, and I don't want to hurt them. I'm also very insecure when either man talks to another woman. I feel they may cheat on me.

Please advise, Julia.

Julia, you're not happy with your life right now. I mean, you've got these two men in your life, but it sounds like you're real angry with your husband, that you're trapped. You met another guy, and he's giving you the visibility that you want. You feel valued and cared for and important. He's not going out and cheating on you, and you're also feeling insecure from the affair. I mean, John did have an affair. You guys never had a chance to be able to talk about that, and now it feels like you're having a semi-affair. Even if it's not a sexual affair, it's definitely an emotional affair. And my guess is part of you feels justified and part of you feels guilty. That's why you're hiding it from your friend.

So I think you, I think you need to be truthful with yourself, to really sit down and look at what you're doing. You're holding in a lot of pain from being cheated on. There's a book "After the Affair: How to Rebuild Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful." I wouldn't recommend that so much for rebuilding trust with John, since it sounds like he may not have the facilities to be able to do that if he's had all these brain surgeries, and maybe going back in and his life is heading in that direction.

If you really, truly value John and decide that he's the love of your life, and it was a one-night stand, he had not a long-term affair, and he can repair it, then you've got that book that's on my website, drkenner.com. But right now, it sounds like he's very dependent on you.

Now, here's where I see your main problem. You view yourself as a caretaker. That's what you see as a good person. You're taking care of your handicapped brother, your mom, who had a stroke, and your husband, who's had nine brain surgeries, and you're furious with him. So you see that as what's good, and you also don't want to hurt anybody. You've got these standing orders in your mind. I'm a person who cares for others. I don't want to hurt anybody. And it sounds very sweet, very nice on the surface, Julia, but you're hurting somebody. You're hurting yourself, and that's why you're anxious. That's why you're paranoid. You've got so many negative feelings, you've got the guilt, the jealousy, the anger, the anxiety, the insecurity, and you don't want to continue sitting on the fence. So I would challenge that policy. Instead of saying, "I don't want to hurt anyone," you don't want to say, "I want to hurt everyone," or "I don't give a damn about anyone." You want to be able to say, "I want to be fair to myself. I want to look at my values and my happiness long-range and see what makes the most sense for me."

You also need to challenge the other thought. "I'm a person who cares for others." If that's all you do with your life, I will guarantee you, you will be embittered. If you have a life of your own, if you have hobbies or leisure activities that you enjoy, a career that you might enjoy, although it sounds like you're doing caretaking full-time, if you have other interests in your life, then you're going to feel more fulfilled and happier, and you won't feel as insecure.

So here's, here's what I recommend doing: sit down, write down on paper what you're feeling. You can, you can put this paper through a shredder later, so Morris and John don't find it. But look at the caretaker role and be able to challenge that, and to be able to say that not the number one person you want to be a caretaker to is yourself. You can still love the other people in your life, but maybe not be overindulgent, or maybe look for some outside help for yourself, maybe from some agencies that can come in and help your brother or your mother or even John.

And then you, sounds like you need some clarity with John. You need to be able to talk with him and tell him how hurt and angry you were feeling, and just because he may be hurt that you're addressing this while he's got brain surgery, he's still accountable for his actions. So assuming he hasn't just come out of the operating room, assuming that he's been home for a while and he's had time to recoup a little, you need to be able to vent a little and let him know how hurt and how upset you are. And if you read that book "After the Affair," it may help him. If you share some parts of it with him, have some empathy for you.

With Morris, you really haven't lived with Morris full-time. You're in the dating stage. And when I say dating, I'm not saying that you've slept with him, but you're definitely together all the time. You're considering marrying him. Be careful there. Look at him closely, because you're so eager for any attention or affection or for self-nurturing that Morris may be the ideal man, and he may not be. So, just, you know, why have all these other women left him? Is he an alcoholic? Are there parts of his personality that haven't come out given the fact that you haven't been living under the same roof and you only know him in a dating context, and people put their best foot forward there?

So, hope that helps you. You can get back to me and let me know how that goes.

Julia.

Dr. Ellen Kenner, you're listening to the Rational Basis of Happiness. And here's a woman who's had Kayla, who's had two miscarriages. She said, "My name is Kayla, and I'm so unhappy. I've tried hard to be happy, but it feels like it's not meant to be. I've had two miscarriages over the past few months. I went to the doctor and had the blood work done, and tonight, they let me know that I had been a little over a month pregnant with twins. I took it, took everything out of me. I won't be happy until I have a baby. Will I ever have a baby now?"

Kayla, the first thought that came to my mind is, when I was trying to get pregnant, I knew that I was pregnant. I had the testing kit, and there were no surprises. So a lot of questions came to my mind. Since you had no awareness of either of your pregnancies, were they planned? Were you trying to get pregnant? Are you in a situation, where it even makes sense to start a family? Are you married? If so, is it a good relationship? Does your husband want a child? Are they both on the same page? Are you emotionally ready for a child? It doesn't sound like it if you're saying, "I won't be happy unless I have a baby." Are you financially secure with a financial cushion for emergencies? People don't plan for that when they're having kids.

If you have a good life, otherwise, a good career, a job and friends and a hobby, a loving relationship and you're looking to have a baby, then that's fine. It's very sad. But don't having a baby isn't the only value in your life. And when you make it that you're setting the standards for your own happiness, and they're set very inappropriately. You want to be able to say, "I can have a very fulfilling life with hobbies and friends and a loved one, and a baby is frosting on the cake. It isn't the end all and be all."

I'm Dr. Alan Kenner. Coming up next, Michelle Davis with the sex-starved marriage. Of course,

I love her, but it's a different kind of love. I mean, it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and isol. There's more. Comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together, me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto harbor, not a word spoken between us, and be perfectly content at BB and T.

Sharing financial knowledge is our responsibility and our legacy. We also share a commitment to our community, supporting our schools and sports programs, helping businesses grow and families become homeowners. Member, FDIC. Loans subject to credit approval, equal housing lender.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path of Romance" by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. Is it possible for a person with genuine self-esteem to suffer a temporary blow? Yes, this typically happens when we feel we fail to gain or keep something that we highly value, we fail a test, we lost a job, we were jilted or abused. A genuinely confident man or woman may temporarily feel low and disoriented when rejected by a loved partner. Being rejected doesn't necessarily mean you're unlovable. Maybe you had the wrong partner. Keep this in full focus. You can grieve the loss while reminding yourself of your good traits. Many relationships that don't work are simply a matter of a wrong match. You do not devalue yourself. Rather. You feel this really hurts, but at the deepest level, I'm still a worthy person.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.