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Skylar, you have a question about, not about your memory, I guess. Skylar, yes, yeah, tell

me what's going on.

Well, I was on Facebook, and some guy posts on my wall, "It’s been years! How have you been?" So I called my sister because she liked the post. I called her and was like, "Hey, how do I know this guy?" And she’s like, "We spent a whole bunch of time with him in our childhood." I guess he went to all of our birthday parties, we swam over at his pool, and we played with him in her big basement and stuff. I’m confused on why I don’t remember any of this.

Okay, how old were you at the time?

I guess I’d known him since I was like, a baby, up until maybe seven.

Okay, so it was pretty young. I mean, that’s like a grade school memory, a very early memory, right? And how old are you now, Skylar?

I’m 16.

You’re 16. So what, you’re worried that there’s something wrong with your memory?

Well, this isn’t the first time that it’s happened.

Okay, when else?

I couldn’t remember a couple of memories about things involving my mom a while back.

Okay, can you give me one example that troubled you?

Um, my sister was talking to me once, and she was saying something about this one time that happened, and I got very confused, and was like, "That never happened."

What did she say happened?

She said that my mom had kicked me, but I couldn’t remember any of it.

Okay, here’s what typically happens. We remember things that are important to us. So, if you went back into my childhood and told me about a great party that was given maybe for my mom or my dad, and I had no memory, maybe it was great for someone else in my family, but maybe for me, it was ho-hum, and I just didn’t encode it. I didn’t tag it as very important. I think we’ve all had the experience of looking at photo albums, and that can help jog a memory. But sometimes, I’ve looked back at pictures and guess what happens, Skylar—I don’t remember the event. I don’t remember the vacation. I don’t remember it. There’s so much we experience. I mean, this is many years ago for you now, right?

Yes.

And your sister is, how much older than you?

Two years.

So she would have been nine, so she might have been a little older, maybe she was more connected. Listen, I remember the lifeguard at a pool when I was a young child, about the same age, because I thought he was so cute-looking, and I wanted to marry him. I was a little kid, but I remember him clearly. If you asked my sisters, "Who was the lifeguard at the pool for all those years?" His name was Saul. What do you think my sisters might remember?

I don’t think she’d remember.

No, I have two sisters. My guess is they would not know who I’m talking about because I was attracted to him. I was thinking about him all the time. So, we remember things that are really important to us. My mother tells me that my father once got frustrated with me when I was young, and guess what?

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My mother tells me that my father once got frustrated with me when I was young, and guess what he put in my hair? He was trying to feed me, you won’t guess, but mashed potatoes. Now, you’d think I might remember that, and I was very young, but I have no memory of that. So, you don’t want to expect your mind to do more than it can. And if you only have a handful of examples, or less than two handfuls of examples, I would not think you have a bad memory. I would just say you have a normal memory, and there are things you might remember that your sister might not remember.

Okay.

Do you think you have a bad memory all the time, or is it just these few cases?

Um, it depends. Sometimes I’ll do like normal forgetting, which I don’t worry about because everybody forgets little things. But other times, on occasion, I’ll just kind of like—I’ll, like, remember something that I had forgotten about for years, you know. Or people had mentioned something to me about it, and I won’t remember it, and then maybe, like, an hour later, I’d be like, "Oh, that did happen."

Yes, you can retrieve it with effort sometimes, right? You can pull it out. Some people will tell me, "People will come…" So, you’re thinking your memory is fairly normal now.

Yes.

Let me, let me go ahead, honey.

Yeah, after you explained that to me, I was just, I know I’ve had traumatic experiences in my past. I didn’t know if that had anything connected with it.

If you had what type of experiences—traumatic? What type of trauma, honey?

My mom. It wasn’t—it was a little bit of abuse, but not a lot. I mean, although I repressed a lot of those memories, and I’ve been working to get some of those back, so I didn’t know if, like, something traumatic happened with this guy or not.

Oh, so you’re wondering, was there any abuse or anything on-site that you should know about, and maybe your mind repressed it? Is that what you’re thinking? Okay, my quick words on that—I know we’re at the end of time here. My quick word on that is, I don’t go fishing for abuse. When people come in, I don’t try to dig up abuse. If they get a memory, then you need to figure out, is it accurate or not. If you’re happy-go-lucky now, if your mom was a little rough but she’s better now, enjoy her now, and you don’t have to go digging.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, you’re very welcome.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

The father was an alcoholic, came home hammered, looking to wail on somebody. So I’d provoke him so he wouldn’t go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights when he wore his rings. He used to just put a wrench, a stick, and a belt on the table, just say, "Choose."

And that’s scary stuff—that’s from Good Will Hunting. And if you have been a victim of abuse, maybe in your childhood, and you feel like your kids are now older but you’re afraid that you’ll do the same with them—get some help. If you are currently going through abuse, either with an abusive partner—it can be male or female—or maybe with kids, you know somebody in your family is abusing their kids, speak up. You don’t want to aid and abet the perpetrator. Abuse is forbidden, but we have to be able to defend a person’s right to their own pursuit of life and happiness. And if you have somebody very controlling in your family, and everybody puts a band-aid on their lips, that doesn’t help anyone. You want to give yourself the ability to speak up, but you need the tools to do it, and you need to be first concerned about safety. Is the person so irrational that you should not speak up directly to them, or are they open to reason if you get them in the right mood?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this ad from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Barry’s wife, Kaylee, tells him that when his mother drops in unannounced, interferes with the way she does things, and even criticizes her, she feels uncomfortable. It’s Barry’s responsibility to talk to his mother and explain that he and Kaylee understand she’s trying to be helpful, but that they do things differently and would like her to stop, as they often feel criticized by her actions. Barry can then ask his mother to agree to planning visits together in advance. If you allow constant parental abuse or intrusiveness, you are sanctioning it by your silence, which means you are choosing your parents as a higher value than your partner. For a romance to thrive, you need to protect your privacy and establish proper boundaries with your parents.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com.