The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

In the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and@amazon.com

you didn't put booze in there. Perhaps you should give it to my daughter.

Melt that chilly disposition of hers.

She won't let me see my grandson. I'm cut off from him because I don't like her treating him like a trained poodle. I swear, that boy doesn't pee without her permission, the way she frets and fusses over that boy. Funny. She'd let him run, let him breathe, let him live. She

won't even let the poor kid ride a bicycle.

And that's from the movie Chocolat. What is so important about riding a bicycle and riding a bicycle on your own, without your mother sitting in tandem with you? What is so important about sports? What is so important about whether it's swimming or whether it's being on a baseball team or a soccer team or enjoying dance? Why do we value sports so much? With me today, it is my pleasure to have Dr. Judy Van Raalte. She's a psychology professor at Springfield College in Massachusetts. She's worked with elite and professional athletes and youth sports athletes—that’s kids—in the United States and around the world. She's written four books and presented at conferences in 11 countries. She is a certified consultant and is listed on the United States Olympic Committee sports psychology registry.

Welcome, Judy.

Thank you.

Why are sports so important in our lives?

Well, it's an interesting question. I think there are a lot of reasons why people really enjoy sports, and the first one we know from research with kids is sports are just fun. But sports are also challenging. So when we participate in sports, we learn, we grow, we gain skill. Sports are interesting and exciting. So we have sports heroes that are superstars. So there are lots of reasons.

Right. You know, when I'm thinking of sports, I think of, well, my husband and I enjoy dance. But if you think back to your childhood and you remember being on a team, and I can remember being the low man on a team, but you might have been on the swim team or a tennis team or a basketball team, and you recall such strong emotions—really strong emotions—the day your team finally won and you helped them do it, or the day your team finally lost and you helped them lose. Can you explain, like, what is it about sports that makes it so important in our life? It gives us the highs and the lows, and we're even fascinated as spectators.

Well, it's an interesting question to consider why we're so involved. And I think there are, there's a whole lot of reasons. You describe being involved in the activity and really remembering it because we tend to remember and love the things we do. So when you think of a classroom and a teacher sitting with a chalkboard, which doesn’t really exist anymore—of course, it's digital technology—but watching someone else do things was a lot less interesting than doing it yourself. So you get involved in sports, you get better, even if you're the, I guess I would say, the lowest jumper on the skating rink or the slowest runner on the field. And it's empowering to improve, do things with friends, and continuously learn. So all of that is part of what makes it great. And as fans, we connect to our teams. But there's a downside too; I think you can recall some sports teams where, for some people, sports builds character, but for other people...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

But there's a downside too. I think you can recall some sports teams where, for some people, sports builds character, but for other people, there are those folks where sports builds character disorders.

Oh, that's interesting. Tell me about that.

Well, as a sports psychology consultant, I'm called in to work with individual athletes on problems they might have—could be coming back from an injury, could be getting stuck improving where they had been improving before. But I also work with coaches and with groups where they're trying to perform better. And, you know, again, for some people, the sport brings out their best. And for other people, not so much.

So for some people, it brings out that wonderful ability to value another person, to communicate better, to really do the teamwork. You know, I was watching an episode a while ago of Dancing with the Stars, and the pros were having some difficulty with one another organizing one routine. And a football guy came in and said, “You know, I'm familiar with team building. I know how to do it. I can do it.” And he helped them through that moment. So for him, it was character-building. But for other people, it can—as you said—it can be character disorder building. Do you have an example of someone we might know who just has a character disorder, if you're at liberty to say it?

Oh, I am so not at liberty to say!

When I work with teams and athletes, the work that we do is confidential, and that's important because sometimes, sometimes the things that make people great athletes, like leadership skills and hard work and willingness to go above and beyond what normally the human body can do, are great for sports performance, but other times those skills might lead to overly aggressive play, physical injury, and doing things that the rest of society might not think are acceptable. Figuring out exactly where that line is can be a tricky thing. A good sports psychologist can work with athletes in a private setting to reach their goals and perform better, and the athlete can know that what they have to say, what they're trying, thinking, and feeling, is safe.

As a sports psychologist, you do lots of different work with lots of different people. What would be one of your more interesting— I know you can't give names—but experiences as a sports psychologist, maybe working with Olympic teams or a youth team?

You're right. I'm not naming names, okay? I can tell you that one of the most typical things that happens is we find that athletes who get stuck—that’s what I would say—have a problem or are challenged usually because they’re trying to solve one problem, and another problem gets created. So, for example, your team-building football player—maybe one of the ways that a college football team builds group cohesion is to all go out together after the game, and the guys have fun together. Sometimes that leads to drinking and other kinds of behavior. So they're just all trying to solve one problem, which is after all that emotional energy and hard work—and sometimes even after losing a game—how do they still stay connected? The solution might be to go spend time together, but if that involves excessive drinking and maybe some risky choices, then solving one problem of group cohesion may create another problem.

Right.

And with me today, this is Dr. Judy Van Raalte. She's a sports psychologist, a certified consultant, and is listed on the United States Olympic Committee sports psychology registry. If people want to get in touch with you, do you have a website or books that you can recommend?

Sure, they can contact me through our website. It’s our company—it’s Virtual Brands. And the website is www.virtualbrands.video, all one word.

Okay, and if somebody wanted a sports psychologist, where would they go?

So if they're located in or near Massachusetts, they can contact me through virtualbrands.video. Also, the Association for Applied Sport Psychology has a website with a consultant finder where you can locate sports psychology consultants in your area. Their website is www.appliedsportpsych.org—that’s applied sport with no "s" on the end—and then "psych," P-S-Y-C-H, dot-org.

Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Judy.

I'm delighted to be here.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

It is important to take your life, character, values, career, romance, ideas, friends, hobbies, and leisure activities seriously. If you do not, they slip away and life becomes increasingly empty and meaningless because nothing is truly important. This is why a sense of humor is not a primary virtue. That said, a healthy playfulness and humor are delightful add-ons to a relationship. They help reinforce the premise that life is fun and joyous. Learn what your partner considers funny. There can be a substantial difference of opinion in this realm. Make clear what you dislike so you won’t be exposed to it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.