The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and@amazon.com. Man cannot survive except through his mind. He comes on Earth unarmed. His brain is his only weapon. But the mind is an attribute of the individual. There is no such thing as a collective brain. The man who thinks must think and act on his own, and

that is thinking for yourself, owning your own life, doing the thinking that brings you closer and closer towards your own goals, rational goals, which brings you closer and closer to your own happiness. And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and that movie drop was from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. She's my favorite author, Ayn Rand, and an expert, not only on Ayn Rand, but someone who has a degree in electrical engineering, a master's degree, a second master's degree in psychology, and additional training in rational philosophy, objectivism. By Ayn Rand, she is Jean Moroney, and she's here to help us talk about how to have a balanced life. Think of your own life and think of the things that you're not doing in it that you wish you were doing. For me, it's dancing. I love dancing. I love bike riding, and I want to add those activities in and have them an integral part of my life. And welcome to the show, Jean.

Thanks for having me, Ellen.

So how do you have a balanced life?

Well, you know, the first thing I want to say about that, kind of taking off from the quote from The Fountainhead, is that only you can figure out how you can have a balanced life. This really is something that the individual has to figure out for himself.

So you're not going to tell me how to have my balance life, but you will give me some tips on how to go about doing it, right?

What I can offer is thinking tactics for thinking about such a big and hairy issue. Because the fact is, this is one of those things you have many, many values. You know, as you said, dance, work, kids, time with your husband, you have all these values, and you want to pursue them all, and you're the only person who can really judge whether you've got the right combination of them to give yourself a fulfilled, happy life. So it really requires hard thinking.

So when you say hard thinking, what would that do for me if I'm thinking, you know, my kids are a top priority, my husband's a top priority. And I love work. I love my work, and I also love to dance. And what type of skills would you give me if I'm turning to you for some help?

Well, what I would suggest is that you need to do what I call some background thinking and some generating, basically seeding your mind to generate ideas. This is the kind of question that is not answered by sitting down at your desk and thinking for half an hour. It's the kind of question that's answered over a period of months, or maybe years, as you work out what is important to you, and so one of the things I think is very important is that you take steps to think actively about the topic, to set up your mind to be looking for new connections. So let me give an example of that. One of the skills I teach is thinking on paper, and what I suggest you do is every day as a sort of ritual, sit down and spend three minutes, and I mean literally three minutes with a timer thinking about one of these issues in your life, like, why is dance important to me? You could spend three minutes thinking on paper about that, and what that will do, and then, and then the next day, you might be thinking about, how do I finish work at 6 p.m. so that I can always make it to dinner? And you would spend three minutes thinking about that.

That's an excellent example. Yeah, you like that?

Okay. Well, what happens is, there's a cumulative effect of these each time you spend the three minutes doing the kind of in-depth thinking.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back. Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it@amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Well, what happens is, there's a cumulative effect of these each time you spend the three minutes doing the kind of in-depth thinking. It sort of sets up your subconscious to be looking for better answers for you. So, for example, if you do that three minutes on dancing, and you figure out that you like it because of how you feel refreshed and that it's something different, what will happen is the next time you go dancing, that will actually reinforce those values for you. You'll have thought about it at your desk, and then you'll experience it. And in fact, your experience will be heightened when you go dancing.

So I'll feel more refreshed, and I'll feel more—I'll get more pleasure from it the next time. And then if I ask myself that question further down the line, it may be, well, it helps me express a range of emotions. You know, Tango is angry, Rumba is sexy, cha cha. Swing is playful and joyous and jumpy. And so then when I dance, I would be thinking, "Oh my gosh, you know, this is a playful song," and it would underscore that some more for me.

Yeah.

So can I say one other thing?

Sure.

And some things that you write about how they're a big value, when you actually do them, you'll turn out it's not such a big value. So I had this with giving a party. Yes, the other day I had—it was the party for a club I belong to, and it was a fine party, but I had thought in advance about what I was going to get out of it, and in fact, I didn't get that. I didn't get as much pleasure out of it as I expected. And so when this was over, I actually had a much clearer idea about how important giving parties for this group is to me.

Yeah. And so now I see that that's actually not part of the balance that I want to make.

So that is—so you're monitoring there. You're just—you've set a standing order: look out for things that are of value to me, that are important to me. And when you actually ran the experiment and had the party and then looked at it afterward, assessed it afterward, you said, "No, this isn't working," or "This isn't as important as other things in my life."

Yeah.

And part of what I want to communicate is that by having done the seeding earlier, by having done a little bit of thinking in advance, I didn't have to do much work for any of the rest of that. It all happened naturally because I thought about it in advance. Yeah, I then noticed what I did or didn't like, and was able to make that evaluation very easily. Whereas, if you try to do this all with hindsight, it's actually quite hard.

So the thinking in advance or thinking routinely—I know you say you keep a thinking notebook. You've told me that privately, and every day, you have a personal notebook, and you have a work notebook, and you'll just spend a few minutes each day writing in them. Is that accurate?

Yes. Well, what I'm talking about here, under life balance, I would put in the personal notebook, usually, and I also think about emotional issues or whatever was on my mind. Personally, with the thinking notebook, I actually use that for solving problems. So if I'm developing a course and I'm having trouble deciding what order something should be, I'll do a couple pages of thinking on paper on that.

So a personal notebook and a thinking notebook, a working…

Working, and they're both thinking notebooks, right? For work?

Yeah.

Okay, so one is more geared towards finding solutions to problems that you're having in—not so much emotional issues, not so much personal issues, but work issues, right? Thinking through problem-solving?

Yeah.

So getting the life balance again, how would you sum that up?

I would sum it up as this: It's something that's worth your time to think about, and so making a small commitment to think about it every day adds up, over time, to a really clear picture of what's important to you and how you want to do it.

Okay, and having a particular time in the day, like morning, that you do this every morning, or you do it at the end of the day, builds it into your routine too.

I think having a routine makes that a lot easier.

And I'm speaking with Jean Moroney, who is a fabulous expert on thinking skills. And how can you be reached, Jean?

Well, the easiest place is probably my website, which is thinkingdirections.com. That's the word thinking, plus the word directions with an s, all run together.

And okay, .com. And you have tons of free information on your website—thinking tips, book recommendations. And you offer teleconferences. You offer courses for corporations or individuals. Lots of great information on your website. Anything that you want to point people to?

Well, perhaps the best thing is to suggest that people sign up for my free email newsletter. That's the best way to keep in touch with all the upcoming events and get alerts when there's something new.

And that's wonderful. I know I get your thinking tips, and I love them. They range from everything, dealing with doubt, dealing with uncertainty, dealing with overload. And I want to thank you so much, Jean, for joining us today.

Thanks for having me, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke.

When you fall in love, you fall in love with the whole person, body and soul, which means body and mind together. So it's legitimate to care how your partner looks and how you look to your partner. If you have an overweight partner, carefully encourage a change to a healthy diet and exercise without bullying, belittling, or threatening. Show gentle and supportive appreciation when your partner takes any step in the direction of better health. Know that overeating can have psychological implications. It's often used to relieve feelings of anxiety and stress and sometimes to avoid intimacy. Resolving such problems may require the help of professionals.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.