The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com

Carol, you're dealing with your grown kids, then they're not respecting you. Yes, yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, I lost my job a while ago, about three years ago, I lost my home, my car, everything. And I guess three years is a long time for that. In between the three years, I have been trying to help them out. My daughter had postpartum depression, and I've been helping her and helping my other three because I have four children altogether. So I'm only good for when I have money, and then when I don't have any, I'm an embarrassment to them.

Okay? So you feel used when you have pretty much, yeah.

So what's going on? Are they all in sync? Are they all walking in lockstep, thinking that you're someone they can't respect? Or do they differ? Does each one of your children have a little bit different shading on that?

I thought it was all four, but three of them are talking together. And I called one of my other daughters, the middle daughter, and I asked her if she was in sync with the way they feel. She said absolutely not and that she's very proud of me and everything that I have been through. She understands why I'm an emotional wreck. My other three are just very, I hate to use the word narcissistic, but they're pretty much that.

Okay, so you have one loving daughter, one supportive daughter, one daughter who has some empathy for you and doesn’t tend to use you. So, one bright thing in your life you definitely see. When I remember teaching at a university, Carol, I had one kid in my class, you know, a teenager, young adult, and she would be so disrespectful in a class of 60 people. When I wrapped my mind around her, how was my experience of teaching? When I went into the class, and all I thought of was Sherry in the back row, talking again—would I enjoy teaching or not? No, but if I chose instead to focus on the kids in the front row who were smiling and some maybe five rows back who were engaged and interested, would that make my experience better? And I just set Sherry aside.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

So take stock of what's going well in your life. If you're feeling crushed, depressed, or down and out, and you've gone through a lot of losses, you want to start to rebuild your life. Pick your cheerleaders, your coaches, and that one daughter who is working for you, correct? So when you're with her, what could be one step you could take to rebuild your life for yourself—not for the other kids, not to earn their respect, but so that you feel happier?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it—a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com, and buy it on Amazon. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

What could be one step you could take to rebuild your life for yourself, not for the other kids, not to earn their respect, but so that you feel happier?

Well, actually what I do is, because she wants to be a psychiatrist when she gets older, what I'm doing with you right now, I do with her, which may not be the right thing, but she actually gives me good feedback. The problem I have is I may be premenopausal and am an emotional wreck; I cry about everything. It’s not just my children, but mainly my children putting me through the wringer—it’s just everybody and anybody as well.

So your three children the most, and do you have a hubby around too?

No, I had an ex-boyfriend at the same time, and he’s been making me feel badly as well. If I try to explain how I feel, it's manipulated and turned around.

Why did you lose your job? You said, three years ago, what happened?

I got hurt on the job, went on workman's comp, and then they terminated me two days later.

And then you lost your car and your home because you couldn't support yourself anymore, right? So how are you living right now?

I just got on compensation in January. Before that, I was living with my daughter, the one who had postpartum depression.

And she's narcissistic, or that’s what you think? She’s a “my way or the highway” type? So, that wasn’t a match made in heaven, was it?

No.

You have one good daughter, but you’re using her as a therapist, which she partly doesn’t mind because that’s the field she wants to go into. And you’re wrapping your mind around loss. How do I know that?

Yeah, because that's all I'm talking about right now.

When you’re feeling really sad or down or depressed, sadness is the emotion that comes from loss. And the bigger the loss, the closer we are to tears. The more losses we have that are important—your kids, a car, a home, your self-respect if you feel like that’s a bit shaky—you can feel very depressed. You want skills to understand your mood, not to wallow in it. Depression can make you feel sad and unmotivated, and you need a way to start strategizing on how to take the next step to better your life for yourself. What purpose can you have?

The funny thing is, I am doing that, just not enough for them.

Don’t make them your standard. Every little bit counts. Make yourself the standard; as long as you’re moving forward, enjoy that. That will motivate you to move forward a little more the next day. Listen, I wish we had more time. I recommend the book Mind Over Mood, and you may even be able to get some professional help for yourself. I would recommend a cognitive therapist, which you can also find at my website. Focus on the good steps you’re taking and don’t try to appease narcissistic people.

Thank you so much for the call.

You're welcome. Bye, Carol.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast episodes, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Understanding another person is not always easy. You come to understand your partner in layers. You see the obvious aspects first and gradually come to understand the deeper layers. This takes mental work. For example, you notice that your partner gets upset when you're away on business, but you might not discover until much later that this is tied to fears of abandonment stemming from a traumatic childhood or a former cheating spouse. Your partner might not even be aware of such a fear if not much time has been spent introspecting. If you keep listening, observing, and talking, you will gradually come to know your partner more intimately. Assuming no surprising negatives are uncovered, you will feel much closer as a result.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book on Amazon.