The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Robert, you're dealing with some medical issues.

Yes, Dr. Kenner, I'm going to read this off fast. Okay, I'm scared on the phone. Self-diagnosis is a phobia from my work in Vietnam as a radio operator, where I heard things in combat one month after I turned 19. Okay, you can slow it down a little. Married 41 years, no marital issues.

Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you. And my problem is how to deal with medical issues, my psychology. Primary diagnosis is combat PTSD, total and permanent Vietnam with the Marines. Medical heading to the computer room in May, I found myself on my back, on the floor, legs at the top of the two stairs and an egg-sized lump on the back of the head. Don't know if I was out seconds or minutes. No big deal. Got myself up. Wait a minute. Did you see a doctor about that? Because you're saying you lost consciousness, right? Well, I'm coming to that. Okay. Got myself up, went to sit on the couch in the living room. Got up after half an hour or so to go to the studio to do some work. Got as far as the door so dizzy I knew I had to sit down on the floor. No warning of the fall, no memory of it. Let it go for two weeks. Finally, Linda took me to the VA ER. CT scan of the brain, full blood work, everything okay, but all blood work is normal, if not excellent. Lung function is normal. How's this for blood pressure? 106 over 65. But the diagnosis didn't mention. First question I had was, have anything to do with my past drinking career? No, just luck of the draw. Quote, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm losing you here. Let me sum up what I'm hearing so far, Robert, so we make sure I'm on the same page with you, is that you know you have some post-traumatic stress disorder from having served in the Marines in '68 and '70, correct? And you know that being on the phone can be scary for you because that's where you heard some of the trauma during the war, right? You were a phone operator, or you worked in that capacity. So you know that that is a trigger for you. The second issue that I'm hearing is that more recently, I don't know when this was. When Linda took you in? Was that a few months ago? Yeah, okay, so it's more recent that you had a loss of consciousness, and you actually hurt yourself. I did that once myself. I was getting out of a chair, and the next thing I know, I had a bruise on my head. I had gone unconscious. And so I went through the battery of tests and went through some monitor that they had on me from my heart, and I was very lucky. It turned out healthy. You know, it just turned out I have very low blood pressure. In your case, it sounds like it turned out that you got a clean bill of mental—I mean, of physical health, but they told you you had dementia based on what?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. You got a clean bill of mental—I mean, of physical health, but they told you you had dementia based on what?

The CT scan showed global atrophy of the brain. Okay? And she said, in other words, I was born with it, but nobody, no one in my family has a history of this. Okay, so, did you get a second opinion on that? Or is that what you got is what you got that?

Okay, I can't afford a second opinion, except for the VA. That's where all my...

Okay. So given that, what is your main question for me, because I know we're down to three minutes. Oh, see.

Well, just how do I deal with—there's a whole host of medical issues. I didn't—I couldn't mention in time—how do I deal with these medical issues?

Okay, if I got a slew of bad medical diagnoses, including one that says that I might be declining in my cognitive function, my thinking function over time, man, I'm going to want to make the best of my life. I'm going to, within the capacity of what's possible to me, I'm going to ask myself the question, and you could do this daily: What would bring me some pleasure today? That's reasonable. I mean, obviously, you don't want to go out gambling and, you know, nonsense stuff. But what would bring you some pleasure? Do you have a hobby you enjoy? Do you love doing something with Linda? Could you build up a couple's activity that both of you enjoy, that maybe you've never done before? It could be kayaking, or it could be, I don't know, bowling or dancing or something that might be fun. It would have to be something you both enjoy. If you have that hobby already, could you continue with it? How could you make each day meaningful to you, given that you're dealing with some pretty serious issues? It's the quality of life that matters. If someone told me I had six months to live, Robert, I don't know what I'd do, but I'm really hoping that I would make the best of those six months and enjoy whatever life I had.

Understood. Thank you. So it's—it, number one, I want to also congratulate—so focusing on you—did something come to mind, something you enjoy?

Well, nothing really. I have no hobbies. Hey, well, building websites, but my work is—I'm a professional artist, and that's what I can't remember how to—I can't even remember how to use my oil paints.

Oh, that's—that's very sad. Try to find something that you can do within your capacity, because if you try to do the thing that you've already—your mind is not letting you do anymore, you'll just feel inadequate over and over and over again. So if you can find something you can do, you can talk very freely to me. I'm impressed with the way you're conversing with me, especially since you have phone phobia. This is phenomenal. This is amazing.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, but look at your strengths. Ask Linda what your strengths are. Ask yourself what is still within my capacity to do. If I couldn't do much, I might watch the old I Love Lucy episodes and Singing in the Rain, some happy movies—not traumatizing movies—but things that you and Linda could both enjoy together. Archie Bunker. Archie, man, if that works for you, use it. You want to. My husband's standing up dancing here, so he would do dancing, I think even if he couldn't remember the steps, we would still be dancing. So it's realizing that you do have limitations and living within your living limitations to the fullest that is possible to you, and working with Linda on that and making your life joyous. So listen, yeah, okay, to the— instead of wrapping your mind around what you can't do, wrap your mind around what you can do.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting:

Telling your partner why you fell in love should not be a one-time occurrence, and it would become meaningless if you went through the same list every day. Better to point out specific qualities that you've observed from time to time: "You look especially handsome or beautiful tonight." "I love that color on you." "I admire the total honesty you showed when talking to the Smiths. That's a quality I've always cherished in you." "I love the way you encouraged me to pursue my career when I was having real doubts about my ability to do it."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.