The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner, over the last few years, I have begun to realize that I have a personality disorder. Now, a personality disorder is something that lasts; it's something that's with you all the time. It's not that I just got depressed, but it's been with you for a very long time. It usually starts in childhood or young adulthood, and we think of somebody who has a depressive personality or a narcissistic personality.

So continuing on with Jamie's email, not entirely sure which personality disorder I have, so she's someone fairly young who's researching, is it? Am I a sociopath? You know, someone who goes out and steals and robs and doesn't feel any remorse, and the rest, a narcissist, someone who's me, only person has to have the spotlight on them. Well, that's histrionic too, but, and she's looked at several others that don’t quite seem to fit me, but I'm beginning to think that I possibly have something else. I think I may have a dissociative identity disorder.

So I'm going to pause here before we continue. What is dissociative identity disorder? It's when you think that you have one or two different identities, or more different personality states. Each one, you may feel like you're a woman, you may feel like you're a man, and sometimes the woman is active, and sometimes the man is active. This is not very common, as you can understand, and they each have their different ways of thinking about the environment, as if two different people live inside of you, and these seem to take over your behavior at different times, and you’re unable, at times, to recall some personal information. That is, your inability to recall things is just too extensive to be explained by just, "I forgot," just for the regular forgetfulness. And of course, it can’t be due to being on drugs or alcohol or the rest. And so that's what she thinks she might have. Just by researching around, she thinks she might have this.

And so let's see what she says. I do not have lapses. I researched dissociative identity disorder and found that many of the symptoms fit. I do not have lapses in memory, but I do have out-of-body experiences fairly often, and I'm aware of two different personalities inside of me now. Out-of-body experiences aren't mystical. It's just that your mind kind of seems to float away as if you were coming out of surgery, and you don’t feel like you're really in your own body because you're still on some medication or something.

She said these two different personalities inside me aren't quite developed enough to have names, but one is a female in her teens, basically what I appear to be physically, and the other is a male sociopath in his mid-20s. They don’t have names, but I call them Thing One, the man, and Thing Two, the girl for clarity. Thing One's sociopathic goal is to fit in. So generally, he lets Thing Two control behavior, or pretends to be Thing One, as in, I don’t act like a man when Thing Two is in control. That's a little confusing, but you get the idea that she's got two different personalities, a kind of a criminal, sociopathic 20-year-old and a teen young woman in her teens who are living inside of her and take these personalities to take over.

As for my questions, is it dissociative identity disorder or something else? And I will tell you that I won’t even attempt to diagnose you over the air. I think that would be totally improper, given that this is a very serious diagnosis. Second, what should I do? Are there things I can do without visiting a therapist, since I am uncomfortable talking to my parents about it? Thank you so much.

Jamie, the best gift you can give yourself is talking with your parents and getting the proper help. Just trying to wing this or trying to self-diagnose it, when you're so young, is not healthy for you, and you don’t want to develop Thing One and Thing Two so that you're growing these delusional identities in you. You're smart enough to know that it’s not normal. So, you haven’t lost contact with reality fully, but before you grow this irrational part of you, get the help. Maybe some medication would help. Maybe cognitive therapy thinking skills would help. Maybe doing trauma work would help to figure out where these ideas are coming from. Maybe getting a thorough medical checkup to make sure it’s not something biological, a tumor or something growing.

Man, if I were in your situation, I would right away tell my parents. Take whatever you know; they're going to be flustered and confused and thrown off and upset and maybe angry and maybe sad and maybe catastrophizing. Who knows? They're going to be upset that you can't control that. Your goal is to get the help. If you are old enough to get the help independent of your parents, let’s say you're 18 or 20 years old, just go get the help. Go to a clinic near you, or you know a psychologist, or you can go to the Academy of Cognitive Therapy at my website, academyofct.org, and try to find a cognitive therapist in your area. If they don’t think they can handle this type of situation, they will refer you. But definitely, the best gift you can give yourself is not to self-diagnose when you don't have the breath of knowledge to be able to do it, and you can’t do it cookbook style. Cutting yourself off from the help is not going to be helpful for you, for yourself long-term, or for your family. So let’s, let’s see if you can do something with Thing One and Thing Two, which is to get yourself back.

I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner, on the Rational Basis of Happiness. Toll-free, 1-877-DrKenner, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R. I’m a clinical psychologist.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Imagine being 80 years old, looking at old photo albums with your kids or grandkids. What adventures, achievements, and experiences would you like to share with them? But you're not 80, and you still have time to create those experiences. What obstacles do you have to overcome? Set personal goals for yourself and rank them according to what you value most, then fit them into a reasonable schedule so that you will have time for work, hobbies, friends, and romance. Don’t abandon yourself by sacrificing your life for others or indulging in short-term shallow pleasures such as excessive drinking and gambling. When you look back at 80, have something to be proud of.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.