The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I have been married for two years, and I have a 14-month-old baby. The marriage was arranged by my parents. They chose the girl and I agreed. However, I feel enormously indebted to my father. I feel guilty and I feel like a failure.

I was studying for my master's degree in Information Technology in Bangladesh. Two years ago, my parents were abroad in Saudi Arabia. I felt overwhelmed by the coursework, and I felt enormous pressure from my father to excel. I couldn't handle the pressure. I lost it during an exam. I became arrogant, I broke things out of anger, and I actually spent more time planning to study than actually studying. I kept feeling like people were criticizing me. I didn't eat or sleep well, so you're getting the picture now — he is just feeling like he's imploding.

I failed two subjects and felt disgraced and humiliated. So what does he do? His name is Kunar. Kunar went to a psychologist and listened to what the psychologist told him. The psychologist prescribed medications and also suggested to my mother that she arrange a marriage for me that was supposed to help me get better.

The medications did help, and I was married two years ago at the expense of my father. My parents wanted me to marry to improve my mental health. I love my wife, and she loves me dearly, and she's happy with me. Although I am happy, I still feel that I am not worth the happiness.

Now, if somebody says they're happy but they're not worth the happiness, they're living in conflict. So, Kunar, you're living in conflict because part of your mind is saying, I should be happy, and the other part is saying, but I'm not happy.

So, continuing here:

Once in anger, my father yelled at me and told me that I am not worth this woman, that I could never have found anyone on my own. He said I was undisciplined, lazy and mentally weak, since I couldn't handle the pressure at school. This shocked me. Ever since, I cannot comfortably enjoy my family life.

He told me that since I was mentally sick and marriage was essential for my cure, my ability to marry someone — excuse me — my ability to marry someone of my own choice was finished. I have all rights, but I feel them granted. I don't feel like I deserve them.

I am in debt for all of this to my parents. All of my pleasures of family life are permitted. They are not personal. I make love with my wife, I adore my child, but I feel the lack of personal freedom.

And right in — was a marriage absolutely necessary for my cure of mental illness? Could it have been healed through medicines and other therapies only? How much responsibility do I owe for my emotional breakdown?

Kunar?

Kunar, I think you named the core issue, which is—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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Kunar, I think you named the core issue, which is: Is your life your life, or is it yours by permission? Is it by right or by permission?

And if you went to school because your father wanted you to, and maybe took Information Technology — I don't know that this is the case — but because Dad wanted you to and Dad kept pressuring you to excel, notice you're always going to feel pushed from behind by your father. And you're not going to feel — it's hard in that type of situation to say, “I don't care what Dad thinks. If I love Information Technology, I’m going to enjoy it. If I feel overwhelmed, I'll get help from the teachers.” But if you take your father's criticism to heart, if you think that his evaluation of you is a fact and there's no question about it, if you take him as God, as the final authority, then you've made a mistake.

In fact, what happens at that point is that you're going to feel chronically indebted to him. How can you pay a guy back who found your wife, who pulled you out of school, who's paying for some things, you know? How can you put your life back together and feel like it's your life — like it's a life designed by you, even with some errors? You can repair the errors. But how can you get back to that situation?

You can't if you adopt a philosophy that says that you are owned by your parents or other people or you have to live for others. It's technically called altruism.

So what I recommend is two things.

Number one, I'm answering your question: Was a marriage absolutely necessary? No, a marriage was not absolutely necessary. I'm glad — I hope you really do love your wife and your child, because that would be very good news. Marriage was not necessary. You could have received cognitive therapy, and they would have given you enormous skills, wonderful skills that could have helped you manage your motivation and helped you manage the overload that you were feeling.

There are, in fact — the woman that will be speaking at the end of the hour, Jean Moroney, is an expert in teaching just those skills. We don't become born with those. Even when we go to school, we don't have those skills. We need to learn them. So you could have learned better thinking skills to manage the stress, the pressure, and you need to be motivated by your own values, not by someone else's.

So for that, I recommend reading The Virtue of Selfishness. And that is by Ayn Rand. That’s at my website, DrKenner.com — d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r dot com.

And that's a tough one, because if you wanted to start turning things around, you would need to somehow adopt a rational philosophy — I mean really grasp it, not just read it once — and then have the courage to be able to hold your own without causing a lot of family conflict, but letting your father know that it is your life and you will be making your own decisions. And you thank him for what he did that was helpful. You don't thank him for what he did that was unhelpful. But you at least can have a chance and move on in your life and get genuine happiness.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

It is impossible to fake one's own character indefinitely. The longer you know someone, the more likely you'll be able to see that person's real, whole self. Negative assessments often require less analysis than positive ones.

Rejection upon first meeting is totally warranted if the other person reveals qualities that you clearly see as antithetical to your own. Consider a first date who is vulgar, mindless, and rude and expresses ideas that are deeply offensive to you. In such an instance, you do not need to waste your time looking for deeper layers.

Some people like the idea of trying to save seemingly hopeless cases, but we strongly advise against doing this. You cannot make another person over in your own image or to your specifications.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.