The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Darren, you're having some difficulties with work, with deciding what type of a career you want.

Yes, Dr. Kenner, actually, I kind of decided what career I want. I'm changing towards that direction, but I'm having a lot of stress and depression over the job I'm currently at, and will probably have to be at for at least about another year.

One year, okay. What are you at now? What type of work?

I work for a church, yeah.

Why do you have to stay there a year? Why can’t you leave?

I got a lot of debt, and I got a mortgage and just locked into the pay, and I don’t think I could just go get another job.

So you think that you have to stay there for a year. That’s one of your—that’s your current strategy: stay here for a year, build up, bring down your debt. How much debt do you have?

Well, I basically have to get rid of my mortgage, sell, you know, sell my house.

And you think you can accomplish all of this in a year—bring down the debt in a year.

Enough, yes.

And then what would you like to do?

I am a composer, and I'm going to be pursuing a composition, personal business, creating scores for media.

And do you have any information that you'll be able to make a living for yourself here?

Yes.

Tell me. How can I best be of help to you? What is the question that you’d like me to work with you on?

I'm having real difficulty going to my job anymore—conflict of beliefs—and finding it more and more stressful and difficult to be in that sort of environment.

So this is a moral crisis for you. Can you give me one quick example of what the crisis is? Like, you walk into the church and what are you thinking?

I have to lead a prayer. Be an example.

And what does that do inside of you? Do you agree with the praying? Do you agree—

No, I mean, I don’t.

Okay. So it would be a win-win situation if you left the church and could find a better-paying job. Why are you staying at the church if you feel like you're at moral odds? I mean, that to me, that is profound. It would be if you put me in a mosque. I'm so passionate about the happiness and using your mind rationally and thinking clearly and not having contradictions, that I would be in moral crisis if I had to believe it.

If I went there just to observe, to see firsthand what was going on—as I have—you know, I've been in systems, government bureaucracies, where I disagree with them fully, and I just see, for example, the type of healthcare that's being delivered. When I worked in a VA hospital, it wasn’t the top-of-the-line where I worked. It wasn't the top-of-the-line healthcare that you were getting there.

But I worked there with my eyes open. I worked with people who were on welfare, and I saw firsthand that occasionally you get somebody that’s really sad and tragic—they’re in need, they're needing a boost through no fault of their own, they're in trouble, you know. But the vast bulk of people that supposedly were sent to me for therapy—a lot of them were moochers. I mean, they just knew how to work the soup kitchens. They knew how to work the government programs.

But I learned by observing. I used that as an opportunity to see what the wrong ideas do to a person. They did not have self-esteem. They needed to get out and earn a living so that they could value their own mind.

Now, why do you think you don’t have any options? Well—before I say anything else—the first point is, if you are forced to stay there, observe. Use it as a learning experience for yourself, to see firsthand the power of good ideas and the power of bad ideas. And also observe that places like a church or a temple usually are a mix. You will have some good ideas thrown in with a lot of irrational ideas, and that's the way they get people to swallow irrational ideas.

You give—you know, stealing is bad. Well, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. But then if they say that, you know, you can never have sex before you're married, it's like, well, why not? What if you take precautions and you're very rational about it? You know, it can be very confusing for people.

So anyway, so that’s the first thing—don’t beat up on yourself too much. Definitely try to find an exit strategy for yourself. If it’s a moral crisis, as I say, become an observer.

Can you give me one other thing that you would like to do that’s a possibility now? Even working at McDonald’s—is that a possibility?

I could get a job just playing piano for services where I’m not in any sort of leadership position.

Can you play piano for weddings or other events?

I do.

Can you earn a living that way, or go to restaurants? I mean, I see musicians come in and they play, and then they’re given a free meal—but it’s not a free meal, because they’ve obviously earned it. But can you do something else with your talents? If you love the music, milk it, right?

Yeah.

And I know we’re right at the end of time here, but Darren, I would really give yourself the opportunity to sit down, make a list of all different possibilities—ways you could earn a living—and see if you can find some alternative exit strategies so you don’t have to stay there a full year.

I do admire that you're trying to work down the debt, and I do admire that you're trying to live with yourself consistently. You're trying to gain your integrity. So listen—thank you so much for the call.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

The ability to compromise is essential when you become parents. The significant responsibility of caring for children throughout their growing years requires that partners have excellent communication skills, including methods of fairly dividing up child-rearing responsibilities. Otherwise, misunderstandings grow, small slights ignite large fires, and the soulmate relationship perishes.

Wall Street Journal writer Sue Shellenbarger reported on this phenomenon in a 2004 article titled And Baby Makes Stress: Why Kids Are a Growing Obstacle to Marital Bliss. Three reasons cited included debt—overspending on the baby—confusion over roles (who should be the stay-at-home parent and who is the breadwinner), and the inability of partners to talk without fighting.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.