The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Now, remember living at home with all those rules? Be home by 11, honey. But Ma, I don't want you going to that club. Judy's mom lets her go. It's safe. Ma, call me when you get to your friend's home. Ma, I feel like that's so stupid. None of my friends have to call their parents. Then there were the threats: "I'm going to take away your cell phone if I find you doing that again. You hear me? Look me in the eye right now. I'm going to take away your cell phone." Or, in my generation, "your transistor radio." You hear me? You look at me now. Your dad and I couldn't sleep all night because of what you did. Now, that's the guilt part, huh? "You had me worried sick."

Well, one young lady feels totally helpless. She's 20 years old, living with mom and mom's rules, and she's thinking, "Will this ever end?"

Dear Dr. Kenner, I'm 20 years old. I live at home, and I've been struggling with my mom's rule of being home at 1 a.m. She makes me call her before I go somewhere, and it always sounds like she's mad. Now, when I read this, that's the first thing I saw. Mom's using guilt, and she is mad about something, and she makes me call her before I come home, even though she knows when I'm coming home. Sometimes I like to stay out later, like 15 minutes, and she'll already have called me six times. Then she'll be short with me the whole next day and tell me how she couldn't sleep. I try to explain to her that she doesn't need me to call her every second and she knows where I am. Then I try and ask her if I can stay out later, and she threatens me that if I want that, then she won't pay for my college or my cell phone, or I can't live there, and that means I won't be able to support myself and I won't get a college education. I have a good head on my shoulders, and I don't know what her deal is. I am so helpless. And this is from Maria.

Maria, I have so much empathy for you. I'm going to assume that you're a really great kid. I think when you talk about being out later, like 15 minutes, that tells me that this is not big. You're not doing drugs and messing around on the outside in ways that are just really self-destructive. So it sounds like your mother doesn't have any real concerns. So why does a mom do this?

One of the reasons is—hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, then we’ll be back.

"I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship." "Well, I wish I knew more about what I want." "Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is! The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com." "Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting."

So, why does a mom do this? One of the reasons is the mom doesn’t have a life; she doesn’t have a career, and so she’s made controlling you her focus in life. She’s going back into childhood. She’s got to be meddlesome, to know everything you’re doing. It may even be driven by envy. She may be envious that you’re getting a college education and you’re able to blossom and have a life that she never gave herself or maybe couldn’t have. I don’t know her circumstances, but you cannot let this affect your future, your happiness.

I’d say yes, definitely get the college degree, and you may have to put up with mom’s nonsense, but don’t let it go deep. You've got to figure out how to deal with her. Now, if she's funding your college education, and you can find other supports—maybe getting a scholarship, maybe even a merit scholarship—look around, shop around, speak with a counselor at the school. Maybe Dad or other relatives would be able to loan you some money or give you some money if Dad’s still in the picture. But if you could leave home, I would say, do so in an instant. And I'm sure that you've dreamt of doing that many, many times. But when you're living at her house, you have to live by her standards, at least on the surface. Those are the rules, and she’s paying the bills, so until you're out of that mess, you've got to live that way.

Now, are you totally helpless? No, you can address the issue. You can say, "Mom, help me understand you better. I’m a really good kid, you know. I’m not using drugs or alcohol; I’m not abusing it, and I’m just going out with friends. Help me understand what’s going on." The mom may open up and say, "Well, I messed up as a kid, and I don’t want you doing that." Many parents who really screwed up in their teenage years over-monitor their kids, and that’s totally unfair to their own kids, and they end up sometimes creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. They say, "I’ll bet you're out drinking again and doping," because that’s what they did as parents. And the kids are saying, "No, I’m not. But you know, you keep telling me that, and I’m tempted to try it now just to get you back." See, you don’t want to do that.

So I think your mom needs a much, much more interesting life for herself. That’s not your business. I mean, it's not. What can you do? You can’t force her to have a more interesting life. You can encourage her to, but you can't be your parents' therapist. So I would look into places—even Dunkin' Donuts has scholarships. Look to see if you can get some help on your own.

I would also tell you, "Mom, I’m turning off the cell phone. I may come in within 10 or 15 minutes of the curfew. It feels real demeaning to have a curfew. Let’s see if we could work out a different plan that’s more respectful of me and more respectful of you. And maybe I can help you with this. Maybe, maybe we can figure out a way where it works better for both of us, Mom, because the tension is no good. The anguish over something this small is no good, Mom. So let’s figure out what’s at the base of this."

You could even go to therapy with your mom.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here’s a quick email from Christopher:

Dear Dr. Kenner, I'm a 50-year-old married man. So picture that. During my entire life, I have self-pleasured to satisfy my libido—that’s masturbated. I have heard that there are no physiologically damaging effects of this practice.

You bet there aren’t. It’s real healthy. No problem at all.

But my religion forbids it. Leave it to religion. So I feel very guilty for doing it, and I would like to stop. I have tried very hard, but I have been unsuccessful. I smile at that. Please give me some advice. Thank you very much, Christopher.

Christopher, it’s your choice. You’re buying into a moral code. And I put "moral" in quotes. They say it’s a moral code, but they’re anti-sex. I don’t call that a moral code—something as wonderful as deliciously feeling, as tingling, as sensuality. If somebody tells you that that is bad, then there’s something wrong with that moral code.

And so most people are terrified to question their own moral code—whatever religion or whatever moral code, the secular code they were brought up with. If it’s irrational, it doesn’t connect with the facts of life. In this case, it’s your body. It’s a healthy body. It’s your mind looking for self-validation, for the pleasure, for the most heightened pleasure, which is sexuality and orgasm. It feels wonderful.

If you could find a partner and share that intimacy, that’s wonderful. But people practice. People enjoy self-pleasuring. I even read with kids who are obviously teenagers a book, or I did when I worked with children. I haven’t done this in a long time. I recommend it. It’s a book by Peter Mayle, M-A-Y-L-E. You could look it up on the web. It’s What’s Happening to Me, and he walks kids through puberty and shows guys, you know, the cartoon characters—guys being embarrassed. They’re looking at a sexy girl, and what happens? Well, they get aroused. And he talks about how you should never feel guilty for touching yourself, that people will tell you all sorts of lies—that you’ll grow hair on the palms of your hands, you know, silly stuff, stupid stuff. And really, these are either very mistaken or envious people, people who’ve deprived themselves of the joy of romance or sensuality, and they want to rob the rest of the world of it.

And religions usually go for people’s values. They tell you that if you earn a lot, that you’re selfish. If you’re very productive and successful, then you’re selfish. If you have a lot of friends, then you’ve got to feel sorry. They go out, and they hunt for all the poor people or the downt