The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and right now, I want to turn to our after-hours line. Hi, Dr. Kenner. I have a bad problem that I want to admit, and I need some help on. I have a bad check-writing problem, not only that, a bad financial problem. What would be your advice to me to actually get back on track and get things I need to be done? I haven't written a check in a while, but every night there’s an urge, just like a cigarette, but I don't smoke. Please give me advice.

Okay, what do you do if you have a bad check-writing problem and you're in a heck of a lot of debt? The first thing I would do is go get the book called The Habit Change Workbook by Claiborne and Pedrick. Go to chapter 17; it has a chapter on excessive spending and shopping. And it starts off, it's really cute. It starts off by saying, "Resolve not to be poor, whatever you have, spend less." And that's by Samuel Johnson. So what happens if you have a bad check-writing habit? Well, you need introspection very quickly, ASAP, meaning you need your own self-understanding, and your effort to call me is a very good first step, but you want to find out why you're permitting yourself to make very bad choices. What's driving your particular behavior? Do you feel angry at the world and feel like you want some things that other people have, but you don't want to put in the same effort to get it? Are you envious, or does it relate to sibling issues or parental issues? Why do you want to be dishonest? That's the essence of it because bad check writing means that you're writing checks you know will bounce, and that you're robbing people. So why do you want to be a robber? Why do you want that self-image of yourself? Well, obviously, you don't, because you're calling me. And the fact that it's an urge doesn't mean it's genetic. It means that you've allowed yourself to build, listen to your character. You've allowed yourself to, just like any habit, to build a habit that's not serving you well.

So let's say that you start to introspect, and I'll come up with just an example. And you realize that when you got your first job as a secretary, you opened up a checking account, and you felt rich. You had these checks that you could now write, and even if you didn't have the money, you could write the check, and people would honor them. They wouldn't know about it until later. Now, that's dishonest, right there. But let's say that your holiday party is coming up at work, and your co-worker comes in and says, "Look at this gown that I got." And she brings it in for the holiday party, and it is a gorgeous gown that she paid $200 for at a fancy store nearby. And you say to yourself, "Well, I deserve a gown like that too; that would look great on me. And I know I can't afford it, but I want it, and I deserve it. And why should she have it and not me?" If that's your motive, then envy is driving you very unhealthily.

So you want to be able to expose why you would let envy drive you. Why not lead your own life? And you would need to—I would get therapy. Definitely get some therapy for yourself. So if you then say, "I don't want to think about it; I don't want to think about writing a bad check. I'll write the bad check, and I'll just do it quickly, and I'll get the dress," and you go ahead and buy yourself a dress, and you get a big thrill. You wear the dress, and now that's not obviously going—that's going to be very unhealthy for you. So you want to be able to look at this; it may not be your situation. You want to look at your situation to see what's driving it? Is it envy? Is it wanting something for nothing? Is it a bad habit that you got into younger, cheating? It's something else, and it's related to this. It requires a lot of questions.

The first thing I would do is rip up all your checks. Get rid of your checking account; pay by cash for everything. Don't replace it with credit cards. And there's so much more I could tell you, but I recommend The Habit Change Workbook. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness, and coming up at 12, a girl who was sent away from home at the age of 12 and is now feeling totally lost in the world.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. It's all because of me and my old man. He's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. Andrew, you've got to be number one. I won't tolerate any losers in this family. Win, win, win. You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give, and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. He could forget all about me.

Notice what parents do. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. Notice what parents do when they put pressure on you to have their values, not your own values. This is from The Breakfast Club, and he's wrestling. Well, does he love wrestling or not? It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell because Dad is so pushy, so incredibly, horrifically pushy that he doesn't know whether he likes it independent of Dad. So he almost wants his knee to break. If you're a parent, hold back; let your children choose their own rational values. Obviously, if it's irrational, you need to step in and let them take the lead. Don't get ahead of your children or root for them more than they're rooting for themselves. Let them enjoy just expanding their values on their own.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke. Here are some tips for handling unreasonable resistance. Be persistent. Go into detective mode to identify the real issue. Draw your partner out so that you both can explore his or her reasoning. Help me better understand why you disagree so strongly; I'm wondering if something more important is causing your anger. Such comments or gentle questions invite your partner to talk and encourage your partner to be more specific and introspective. If your partner continues to be evasive, persist in addressing the topic and your partner's evasive tactics. You might say, "I noticed that you just changed the subject again. What's really bothering you?" Continue until you conclude that it's truly hopeless. If this happens repeatedly, reconsider the relationship.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at Amazon.com.