The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr Kenner.com

Kathy, you're dealing with stress, yes?

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, about a year ago, I had a series of traumatic events. Within like a week, my house caught on fire, someone tried to break in, I went through some storms—a whole series of things—and I developed a tremor inside. I don't shake on the outside; I shake on the inside. My question is, I've had some people tell me I should rest, avoid all stress, and others tell me I should push through it, or I'll become agoraphobic or something. I'm not sure how to handle it.

Okay, and this was a year ago, you said?

Yeah.

It sounds like you had an acute stress reaction. So many things happened at once. Notice how it affects not just our mind, but our body and nervous system. You’re saying you feel tremors inside. Is that constant? Do you feel it in specific parts like your legs, feet, hands, torso, or head?

It starts at the top and works its way down. If I push myself, the back of my legs start trembling, and I get muscle twitches. I don’t like going places now because things get on my nerves that never used to. I've always been strong, and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do about it.

The good news is you have strengths; you've always been strong. If I went through similar trauma, I’d aim to support myself. In cognitive therapy—thinking therapy—you learn to treat yourself as you would a best friend. If your best friend experienced a house fire, a break-in, and storms in one week, and a year later, she was trembling, what would you tell her?

I don’t know. I would tell her those events triggered something in her mind, but I'm not sure what else to tell her.

That's common when you're unsure what to tell yourself. The best friend approach helps you be warm and non-critical. So, instead of thinking, “Why can’t I get over this?” or “Maybe I’ll never change,” which increases nervousness, you can remind yourself that this was severe trauma affecting your security. You’re dealing with it on physical and thinking levels. On the physical side, learning relaxation techniques could open a world of relaxation for you. Have you been trained in relaxation?

No.

This could help you relax your body. Many people don’t know how to relax. We often carry tension in our shoulders, jaw, or other areas. Learning to release tension is a skill, with three basic methods.

Hey, I need to interrupt briefly—just a quick 30-second ad, and then we’ll be back.

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There are three relaxation techniques, and you can use them in combination. First, what’s the most relaxing situation for you?

When I’m lying down. Sometimes I get so nervous I have to lie down, even if I don’t want to sleep. I lie on my stomach and think about good times in the past.

Wonderful. Imagining good times—whether on a beach, in the mountains, or with family—can help relax your body. Another technique is muscle relaxation. If you tense your fists and then gently let go, feeling your fingertips unravel, you’ll notice more relaxation. You can learn progressive relaxation for each muscle group: face, arms, torso, legs. Books, workshops, or therapists can guide you. The third technique involves breathing. When anxious, we often breathe shallowly. Relaxed breathing helps calm the mind, but the real payoff comes from addressing your thoughts. I recommend Mind Over Mood on my website, DrKenner.com. You can work on identifying the thoughts that trigger your anxiety, like fear of fire or break-ins, and learn to address them to restore your sense of safety.

Here’s more from Dr. Kenner:

You’ve got the brains; I want you to tutor him. Percy is failing history. He needs motivation. I’m challenged, you’re lazy, self-involved, and spoiled—that’s the challenge. You’ll take on a teaching job. Enjoy teaching, don’t you? Yes, but I have classes too. It’s time to give back to the community.

That’s a perfect example of unearned guilt. If you haven’t taken from the community, you don’t owe it back. True giving back is becoming someone you love, pursuing your dreams and goals benevolently, without sacrificing yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of unearned guilt. If you’ve earned guilt, make amends. If not, recognize the difference.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke. Help protect one another against stress. Consider Sandra, who felt overwhelmed at her job with a bad-tempered boss who blamed others for his poor leadership. After consulting her partner, Scott, Sandra quit, took a rest, and eventually found a less stressful job.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com or buy it on Amazon.