The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com, and at Amazon.com.

Angelo, you have a question on happiness?

Yes, I do, Doctor Kenner.

Yes. What's your question?

Um, my question is, I've read quite a few books, and not all of them are the same. Some are more theory, some are more practical. My question to you is, what book or workbooks do you suggest for a person who has been suffering from depression, who wants a greater state of well-being, and wants to be happier in general? A practical book and workbook that will give them advice on how to be happier.

Okay, I can. I want to give you several, maybe two or three categories of books, Angelo, so if you've got paper and pencil, I'll go over why I think each is important. The first thing is understanding what happiness is. You've read many books; there are different views of happiness. Is it hedonism? Is it just doing what feels good? Well, man, you know, people go gambling, and they lose all their money, and even though it feels good in the moment, it isn’t good for them long-range. So hedonism is not a good policy. Going by feelings is not a good policy. But what is the alternative? Is it going by some rigid, dogmatic religion or code of values that maybe isn’t even religious? Maybe you just had very strict parents, and they told you what to do, and you just obey, and you don’t use your own mind. And if you obey and do everything they want, even if you don’t want to do it, then you’re a good person. Well, if you don’t want to do it, you’re not going to be happy, right?

Correct.

So, there is another alternative, and it’s discovering that, as a human being, we’re not born with an instruction manual on how to make good choices that bring us closer to that wonderful, delicious emotion of happiness. We don’t know whether or not it’s right to set selfish goals for ourselves. The word selfish has been demonized. We don’t know whether it’s right to pursue our own thinking, or if we should go along with what other people want—our friends or family. What is right? So, the fundamental that you need to discover is the role of philosophy in life. If you have a rational, meaning reality-based philosophy of life—and I’ll talk a little bit about that—you have much better guidance. For example, if you have guidance that says, given the fact that I need to make choices (they’re unavoidable), is it proper for me to pursue my own rational goals without ever stepping on other people, and not becoming a doormat and letting them step on me? If your answer is, yes, this is my life, it’s my only life, and my dream is to become a doctor, lawyer—whatever it is you want to become—a gardener, whatever it is, set those dreams. And if they’re reasonable, if they’re doable—for example, I couldn’t be a brain surgeon; I don’t have that type of smarts. Are you still there, Angelo?

I’m trying to check because it’s funny because, again, you hit the nail right on the head when you said—

I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw—here it is! The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Again, you hit the nail right on the head when you said, when they talk about happiness and books, they all have their own slant on what happiness is, right? And then you're like, if you read 10 books, you get confused as to what it is that you should follow. But also, too, it’s like, sometimes, what they say… I've read many, like, website articles and stuff like that. It’s like, it doesn't always work.

Yeah, let me tell you, they're going to give you conflicting advice. They’re going to tell you, be good to your mother, be good to your family, and that will make you happy—family values. But what if your mother is a real pain in the butt, and what if your family members are all drug addicts or drunks, and being good to them doesn’t bring you happiness? So, here’s—

One is exercise. Well, if you exercise more, you're going to feel better; you’re going to be happier. Another one is if you’re grateful, or—you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, but if you feel grateful, it’s a mixed bag, too. So let me give you a few. The number one book I would recommend is—you need to be sitting down for this—the Virtue of Selfishness, really, truly valuing your mind. Not selfishness that ever hurts anybody else, Angelo, but valuing self-esteem, valuing self-respect, valuing your mind, building into your own mind, making yourself into a person that is lovable, that you love. Good moral character—being honest, being productive, pursuing your dreams, thinking for yourself, thinking for yourself rationally—that is fabulous. So, the book is The Virtue of Selfishness, and that is by Ayn Rand—A-Y-N R-A-N-D. You can go to my website; it should be on that, DrKenner.com. But you can also read her books, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Those cleared up so many contradictions in my life and gave me the philosophical basis of really knowing that it is proper and moral to think for myself, to be fact-focused like you are—you’re researching—and to pursue my dreams. I love dancing; I love my career in psychology. And I would want you to be able to do that for yourself, to discover that that’s right, rather than sacrifice and die—you know, many moral codes—

Yes, like I told an accidental website—I don’t know if you ever heard of Mike, called Dr. Bob—

Yeah, let me just tell you, we're down to the last 30 seconds, so let me give you two more books. Another book, if you want a therapy book for depression, I recommend Mind Over Mood. It teaches thinking skills—that’s exactly what you want if you want to think for yourself and think yourself out of a depression. Go to my website, DrKenner.com. It’s by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Podetsky, but that’s another very good book. So I’m giving you the books—one of them is a novel, one of them is a nonfiction The Virtue of Selfishness, and then Mind Over Mood is actually a therapy workbook that is very helpful for clients, teaching you thinking skills. Thank you so much for your call.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Partners, whether married or dating, need to communicate constantly, but many lack communication skills. For example, they may not be able to articulate well and thus struggle to express what they think or feel. But communication skills can be learned. Listening is an important part of communicating. Many people find it very difficult not to interrupt before their partner has finished expressing a complete thought. Listening well, giving your partner your full attention, and summarizing what you heard when necessary sends the message: you are important.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.