The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

John, you're having some difficulty with happiness.

Yes, I am. Yeah, what's going on?

Well, I just feel like there's nothing that makes me happy like it used to. You know, when I was young, just getting up, I was happy to be up, alive, yeah, and I just don't have that anymore. And I'm, you know, I'm disabled. I broke my back. I was a bricklayer, and I went through a hard depression, yeah, and I made it through that. And, you know, I thought things were getting better, but it’s like I’m stuck in a rut.

Okay, what are—

Yeah, go ahead. I'm—

Sorry. I mean, I was just saying, there's just nothing that seems to make me happy. The things I used to enjoy doing, like fishing, I just have no desire anymore.

Okay, so we’ll talk about that in a second. How old are you?

I'm 45.

You said when you were younger, you could wake up and feel happy. So I wondered, how old are you? You’re 45 years old, and have you had better moments when you were more hopeful, when you were not depressed?

Yes.

Can you tell me what you were doing during one of those moments?

Struggling. You were alive? Struggling?

No, I don’t want those moments for a moment. I mean, that’s when I felt alive, when I was struggling to make ends meet.

Oh, no, that’s interesting. So when you were working to make it—

I wasn’t working. I just wasn’t able to work, just mentally, I guess, struggling, you know, trying to figure out ways to be able to pay the light bill, having to sell my stuff. I mean, you know, I mean, I had something.

You had a focus. Yes. Okay, so what prevents you from having a similar focus now?

I don’t know. I guess I have enough money to make it from month to month, and that's my focus, okay? My focus was from month to month; it was from hand to mouth, yeah? And now, you know, I get real nervous when the money gets low, which it always does.

How are you making money?

I'm on disability now.

Okay. Are you able to use your hands? Your back got damaged, so I'm not sure how.

Yes, ma'am, it is. I'm able to use my hands, yes. So I use a computer a lot.

Can you walk at all?

Yes, yes, I can. I can walk. I just can't bend over or pick up anything over five pounds.

Okay, here’s number one: when any of us have a physical limitation, or even a mental limitation, part of the task is to come to terms with that limitation. For example, if somebody has multiple sclerosis, they need to show themselves how to live within their illness and enjoy life within what’s possible for them. And within what’s possible for you, what is available? If you still have your mind—and I can hear that you do—if you still have an eagerness to be happy, how do I know that? Because you called me, right?

Yes.

You took an effort to call me. If you still have the ability to use your legs, even though you can’t bend over, then you can look at what you can do during the day that might bring you some income. Maybe you can be a telemarketer. I don’t know if you can do that. Maybe there’s something else that you can do. I know you’re disabled, but maybe there’s something you can do, whether it’s a hobby or, like you said, selling things on the side.

I wanted to go back to school. My spouse had—she’s had two strokes, subdural hematomas, and brain surgery.

Okay. She’s had problems. So you’re married. Who is at home with you? Your spouse?

Just me and her.

Okay, the two of you. What hobbies can you have that would bring you some pleasure?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh. Ah, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What hobbies can you have that would bring you some pleasure?

That is something that I've been seeking. I’ve tried model building, and nothing seems to satisfy.

Okay, what you need for yourself is a longer-range purpose. So, number one, if you could find something like you said, selling things on the internet, or something that would bring you income and give you a sense of being productive, that would be fabulous for you. You would feel happier. You would feel more in control of your life, less handicapped, right?

Right.

So you agree. Okay, so that would be number one. Number two, there are other values, such as hobbies. If you can find a longer-range value that you would enjoy, try it out. Experiment with different values. If you can play the piano, try that. Maybe a keyboard. Try different things, obviously within what you can afford, but try some things that could bring you and maybe your wife pleasure. I know people in my family who love playing board games.

I used to love board games.

Well, maybe you and your wife could try that. Maybe you could even invent a board game, you know, you and your wife, and earn some money. Using your mind will make you feel happy. Moving—using your mind in a productive manner will make you feel happier, right?

I think where my happiness comes from is, I don’t have her to participate.

Okay, because she's had a stroke?

Yeah, she’s had a couple, so she—

She may be very limited, but never give up your happiness. If you can play games with people, even on the web—my sister plays Scrabble with my son on the web, so maybe, you know, on the internet. So listen, I want to thank you so much for your call. The goal is to keep values alive in your life and to live within your limits. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"I don’t know when I’ve enjoyed an exhibit more. The artist’s choice to make that still life a monochrome was a stroke of genius. Conveyed such despair."

"Yes, it was so refreshing to see a sad peach."

And I don’t know if you have ever been to—

Oh my gosh, that was from Frasier. I guess Frasier wanted that to be known. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner, and if you have ever been to a modern art museum where you see splashes of paint on canvas, or you see white on white—just a blank canvas—and you’re supposed to look at it and see depth in it and put your own meaning into it, all of that is nonsense. Art is so valuable in life, whether it’s good literature, a fabulous painting that just inspires you, or even think of the Olympics. I mean, it’s an art, and it’s a skill, obviously, but if you have a painting of an Olympic athlete at the best moment of their achievement—maybe a beautiful pose in ice dancing—it can uplift you. It can put you in a better mood where you’re thinking, “That’s the way life should be and can be. And maybe that’s possible for me,” as opposed to maybe art that shows a sad peach. And it’s like, why? Peaches don’t even get sad, assuming you’re not in Disneyland. But peaches don’t get sad, so why would an artist, out of all the things to choose to paint, paint a sad peach? It just makes me feel like I’m in a weird world, and it’s not my world. It’s certainly not my world.

For more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Positive habits, such as courteous manners and being considerate, make a relationship run smoothly. Other positive habits include voluntarily helping out around the house, leaving love notes and cards to surprise your partner, frequently exchanging hugs and kisses, and dressing nicely even around the house. By making it a goal, you and your partner can acquire such habits, even if lacking them initially. Time management is frequently a source of tension. Is one partner habitually late, even when being on time is objectively important? This shows a lack of integrity. Or is one obsessed with time management, compulsively rushing through life and having no fun? This is a psychological problem.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.