The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here's a question I have from somebody who has a two-prong question—I'm hoping to get to both.

Dear Dr. Kenner,
I have two problems that I think are related to feeling that I have to please others. It makes it so that I don't speak up when I should, for example, with strangers. (And I've shortened this—Brian's email.)

With strangers, I have trouble confronting people with complaints, especially strangers. In a crowd at the mall, an older child pushed my young son out of the way. I said nothing. My wife spoke up and fixed the situation.

Now, why would I be reluctant to confront even a child who was clearly in the wrong?
I think my problems are both rooted—(I haven't talked about the second problem yet)—but both rooted in the strong message that I received from teachers and parents while growing up. I was told to be deferential, don't be selfish, be polite to the point of self-abasement, putting myself down.

Will you recommend any techniques or books that can help me fight my selfless, altruistic premises and banish them?
—Brian

Now, you may be surprised to hear the word "altruism" thrown in there, because we typically think of altruism as opening the door for little old ladies, being kind, being generous, bringing a cake over to a neighbor who's having a birthday party—or someone sick—and you're helping them, a relative that you like, and you bring them some chicken soup. I mean, that's what altruism seemingly is all about.

But that's just courtesy and respect—and valuing the people you value.
Altruism literally means other-ism: working against your own self-interest, putting other people first and you last. Others count—you don’t. Period.

So it’s a term that’s a package deal, because it seems to mean courtesy and respect as opposed to being ill-mannered and rude—but it really boils down to throwing away your self-respect, your self-esteem, and groveling.

So you want to be a scientist here.
You can ask your wife, in this situation with your young son—when your son was being pushed at the mall, in a crowd at the mall by an older kid—what did she... what went through her mind? What gave her the courage to speak up?

And she may initially say, “I don’t know, I just do it.”
But then ask her a little bit more. You say, “Honey, you know, what emotions were you feeling?”
And she goes, “I felt really angry. This kid’s pushing my son, and he’s not going to get away with it.” Or she may have felt a sense of protectiveness—or both. “I’m going to protect my son.”

So if she has those thoughts, then it's going to propel her more into action.
And if she also has the ability to speak assertively—I don't mean aggressively, I don't mean that she looks at this kid and says, “Get the heck out of here, you B—” you know, she calls him some name—that’s aggressive language.

If she talks assertively by saying something to the effect that...

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If she talks assertively by saying something to the effect that:
“I noticed we were standing here. I expect you to respect that my son was in front of you,”
and just to put her son back in front of the kid who barged in—I guess they were observing something at the mall.

So you want to learn assertiveness skills for yourself. Sometimes it's called “I” language. Not an eye on your face—like your ears and your eye—but the pronoun I, as opposed to you.
You speak from what you're feeling, what you're experiencing, what you expect:
“I feel this,” “I see this,” “I expect this.”

You want to learn assertiveness skills for yourself—that—it’s a gem.
Or, if you already have some of them or they’ve gotten a little rusty, polish them up.

You can get some books—you asked me for references.
You can get the... there's a book Asserting Yourself, there's a book Messages, there's a book The Feeling Good Handbook—that’s got part four, it’s an older book, but it's got a good section on communication skills, and that may help you with communication.

Now for your second problem. This is again from Brian, and he thinks they’re both related to having to please others—I should always please other people, even if I feel lousy in the process.
Process? I can't—you're afraid of failing. Let’s look at this problem:

I procrastinate on problems that are not emergencies.
I tackle emergency situations with zeal.
I enjoy finding solutions.
But when there are no impossible deadlines or emergency situations, I have trouble getting started.

So what might cause this type of a problem?
Well, you mentioned that you feel like you're afraid of others. You're afraid that if you speak up, they may criticize you—even though, on one level, you know that you're very competent.
(I know this was a much longer email and you told me that.)

So you want to actually change your image of yourself.
I was a person who told myself—not that I'm a procrastinator—but I used to tell myself, “I’m not an exercise person.”

For my 50th birthday, I said, “Why not challenge that premise? Why not make myself into an exercise person?”
And I went to the gym, yeah. And I was resistant at times, but I was able to set specific dates and to take it slowly, and I built up over time to making exercise part of my routine.
In fact, I went there this morning. I went back to the gym this morning.

So change your self-image consciously.
Instead of: “I am not…” “I am a procrastinator,” just say, “No, I’m an excellent time manager.”

You need to have knowledge underneath that—of how to manage your time.
You can get the book by Alan Lakein, How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life, at my website, DrKenner.com. And it's an older book—an excellent, excellent book.

And you can imagine wild success—that’s from another book—but start to build your own image based on fact.

You'll need to learn the skills of “I want to be an excellent time manager and to own my own life.”
When we procrastinate, it’s typically motivated—there’s some benefit that might stem from childhood in it—of feeling like others come first.

But make yourself come first and own your own life.
To own your own time is to own your own life. Dr. Lakein says.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com—and please listen to this ad.

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The more narcissistic a person, the worse it is for romance.

We should add that there are people we call “clueless” when it comes to relating to other people, and yet, who are not actually narcissists—nor are they suffering from any inborn disorders such as autism.
They are typically people who have been deprived emotionally in childhood, and thus not in touch with their emotions and are impoverished when it comes to having their own values.

This makes it hard for them to be sensitive to the emotions and values of others, simply because they do not know any better.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com
And you can buy the book at Amazon.com