The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com

Denise, you're getting some red flags about your boyfriend? Yes, yeah, what's going on?

Um, we've been dating for a couple months, and I really like him, but something in my intuition, my gut, is saying our no go. He's always a very unique person. He's a 30-year-old virgin and very, extremely, extremely intelligent. And I guess I've looked online like, what? What makes the pedophile like that? Hello,

hello. I'm here. Okay, yeah, I'm hearing the clicking too. So you're, you're saying a pedophile. What you said? He's a 30-year-old virgin, yes, and he's bright, very intelligent. And where does the word pedophile—I mean, where does the thought of pedophilia come in?

Um, I guess I'm kind of, I guess I'm kind of hypersensitive to that, because there was one in my family growing up. I've always looked at people, I guess I don't know, but he can't. He just has something. I feel like there's something sexually off about him, like he reads a lot of romance novels. I feel like he's very secretive. Whenever we're trying to be intimate, it doesn't feel right. And I just feel like, for instance, I'll see his eyes linger, yeah, on children, and it's really awkward. And we'll be talking and he’ll have sunglasses on, and we'll be looking at, you know, kids, and I'll know they're behind me somewhere, but I can see his eyes just like, just, I don't know.

Okay, were you a victim at all? Were you a victim yourself as a child?

Not that I know of. No. Okay,

well, that's good. I'm not searching for anything. I'm just, you know, I was at the gym today, and there was a guy there that made me feel uncomfortable, not because he was looking me up or down or something, but there was something off about him. Now, I only saw him for a few seconds, not a few seconds, maybe two or three minutes, but there was something about his character, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But what do you do in those situations when you're in that type of a situation, Denise? You want to do exactly what you're doing with me right now, which is to let the thoughts come out. You know, you say you have something in your gut. There's that, yes, but about him, a 30-year-old virgin who there's something sexually off with, and it doesn't we can't falsely accuse him, obviously, and I know you don't mean to be doing that. It's just that you're allowing yourself to uncensored, let the thoughts come to the surface. You're introspecting. What is it I'm uncomfortable with? I was uncomfortable when we were outside and he was looking at these kids, and it didn't look like a right look. And I

think what now that I think about it, what plan of the speed was to make these jokes? And he'd be like, yeah, doctor say pedophiles, or the number one problem with pedophilia is sexy babies or something like that. Yeah, we're in the military, though, and there's a lot of raw jokes that fly around in that sort of subculture, you know, right? So I don't know if it's part of the culture or that he would make jokes like that, and I think that's what cannabis seems to get these thoughts rolling in my head, and then it seems like everything else is like contributing to

it. Okay, so you've got a range of possibilities, but on one end, he's totally innocent. He's just somebody that made a crude joke, and he might have made two in the same category of a really awful topic, pedophilia, but it just alarmed you enough because it's not something that would ever come from your mind. I'm assuming that you just said, Oh, keep an eye out on this. And that is really healthy to do. On the other end of the spectrum, you tell me he's secretive about sex. If he were really tender or sexy, even if he reads romance novels, if that's his soft side, if he's just gentle and nice, or if he's a little bump and grind sexy and it seems okay with him. He's comfortable with it. Then you wouldn't have the questions. It's just a crude joke, and you would tell him that that's something that would not be okay in a relationship with you. But it's the secretive part that's a huge red flag for me. And it's always a question when you have a 30-year-old who's a virgin in this culture. I mean, if, when I was growing up, if you had a 30-year-old virgin, you would say, Okay, I understand. But in this culture, it's, you know, there's some splainin to do, yeah, yeah. What does he say about that? Why has he not had any intimacy for that long?

Type of personality where he he's heavy into video games, heavy into reading these romance novels to get off. He said that he's the type of personality where he doesn't go forth and go get not what, what will happen if she says yes, it's or what will happen if she doesn't know it's? What will happen if she says yes? And you know, if you pick one flavor of ice cream, then that cuts you off from all the other flavors. Oh, man,

that's another red flag that has nothing to do with pedophilia. See, he's got a few. You mean, if he, if he decides to stay with you and have a longer-term relationship, his eyes are going to be wondering because, man, you know, there are 58 different flavors of women out there, right? Yeah, that would not be a romantic line that I would like to hear from my partner. I

actually found the personality type online, and I gave it to him and showed it to him. I was like, Does this sound like you? He's like, yes, that describes me to a T. Oh, what

did? What was it?

I don't remember, but it was just saying that, that it's not, you know, if you pick one, then you cut yourself off from all the rest, therefore you take no action because you just like, okay,

okay, it could be that. Well, so now let's go to the much bigger question. Why is he right for you? He's a guy who plays video games, who keeps his sexual life secretive, who doesn't seem to be a man of action in the romance field, and who may have either crude, some crudeness or crude jokes, or he or worse, is he someone that you want to invest your time, emotion, and life with?

Yes, because aside from all those things, yeah, it sounds like a lot. Aside from that initial, my initial attraction to him was very strong, very raw, and then whenever we get to talk, we'll just talk in our conversation. Okay, very nice.

I know we're right, right at the end of time. Denise, sorry to talk over you. I know we're at the end of time, though. Let me recommend for you. You want the skills to introspect because you don't want to make a final decision yet. When you have serious questions like that, you want to talk with him. You want to observe him. You want to talk to family and friends and find out about his past as much as you can. You've only dated him a few months. I would get I've written a book, after eight and a half years with Dr. Ed Block. And you can go to my website, either The Rational Basis of Happiness, Dr. Kenner.com is it, or you can go to selfishromance.com. We have a whole section on finding your soulmate, so I recommend you do that, and we talk about how to introspect when you're exactly in the situation you're in. So I thank you so much for your call, Denise. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Understanding where emotions come from will make you a better romantic partner. Sadness is due to the perceived loss of a value. Depression is a more extreme form of sadness, which may involve painful loss or the conviction that one is no good, that life is no good, and that things will never get better. Anxiety stems from your appraisal that there's a threat to your values, often involving uncertainty. Frequently, this threat is of a psychological nature, such as a perceived threat to your self-esteem. Fear is your response to the perception of imminent danger, usually a physical threat, or of your perception of the imminent loss of an important value.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.