The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Marie, you're having difficulty. Why don't you tell me your situation and then let me know what your question is.

Okay? Well, first, Dr. Kenner, thank you so much for taking my call.

Oh, you're very welcome.

Secondly, well, my mother has dementia. She's 80 years old, and she was kind of overbearing as a parent. And I was one of those kids who did whatever your parents asked you to do, and now I'm having anger issues as she's getting older and more confused. And, you know, like, I try to get her to get out, you know, to come out of the house so she's not in the house all the day. She doesn't want to. And, you know, I'm able to get her exercise some days. You know, it just, I feel like I'm just falling short and, you know, the confusion and asking the same question several times. I do expect that, but there are some times where it seems like I'm a short fuse. I don't have children, and I'm not married, yeah, but, you know, it just seems like it's taking my whole life. And then, kind of not too long ago, I was trying to take care of my mom and work, and then I ended up losing my job, so I'm just taking care of my mother.

Because of taking care of your mom, huh? You lost your job because of taking care of your mom.

I was saying that. I'm sure that was half and half, but I think also I made an error on my job.

Okay, so I just feel kind of trapped, but I want to do the best for my mom, because, you know, you only get one and no, yeah. I don't know how to deal with the anger. I just don't want to be angry and snap at her and that kind of thing. I want to be able to be a good daughter and do what's right. And I just feel like I'm at my wit’s end.

So it's sounding to me like you're feeling that your whole identity is at risk here. You've always had this image of yourself as the good daughter, the conforming daughter, the daughter that did the right thing, right? And now your mother is at, we call them end-of-life issues. She's losing her mind—dementia—and it's very sad to see, and you're stepping in to be the good daughter again. And your identity is wrapped around that. And so it's cost you your job, basically, and it's cost you friendship, relationships really.

Tell me just a nutshell version. What about relationships? What about friendships?

Well, when I was younger, if, you know, there was somebody my mother didn't like, she kind of self-sabotaged. For example, if his name was Jack, you know, when he called, she said, “Hey David, how are you?” That didn't make it good for me. And so, and then she had to meet every date I had, which—not that that was a problem—it’s just that, you know, it just kind of put a lot of pressure on me.

Why are you not married now?

I just haven't met anyone. Well, no one's ever asked me. And secondly, I haven't met anyone that I think I've really connected with. My parents divorced. It was a very bad divorce, physically, so it was okay. It kind of made me wonder about the whole marriage thing in the first place.

So you're skeptical anyway, about the marriage thing.

Yeah, I'm not sure people can be faithful. And you know what makes two people who seem normal erupt to that degree?

I wish you knew our example instead. We've been married for, I don't even know how long, wonderful marriage, very different scenario.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting?

Yeah, I'm not sure people can be faithful. And you know what makes two people who seem normal erupt to that degree?

I wish you knew our example instead. We've been married for, I don't even know how long, wonderful marriage, very different scenario.

So let me get back here. You say you have so little time left with your mother. You want to be the good daughter. What goes through my mind, Marie, is you have so little time left with yourself, with these—at this age level. What? How old are you now?

You're 48. So you're, let's just say, in the 50s. You're starting, you're getting to midlife. Well, you are at midlife and this is your only midlife period. Your only midlife period. Not your mother's. This is your time, your life.

So it's hard to do this when you've framed your identity around being the good kid. You want to be the good kid to yourself, and that means taking care of yourself and listening to your anger. Your anger is the little girl inside of you, or the teenage girl or the young adult who said to Mom, “Mom, it's David. It's not Jack. I don't ever want you to do that again. Mom, this is my life.”

Okay? Now maybe you didn't want conflict back then.

I did not want conflict because there was so much conflict.

But then that made it so that it's harder for you to be assertive. It's harder for you to find them—it’s not a middle ground, it's a very different track. People tend to be either aggressive, in your face, like the fighting that you heard from Mom and Dad, or they tend to be: “Listen, I don't want to make waves. I don't want to be a troublemaker. I just want peace. That's all I want. So I'm not, I'm going to zip my mouth. I'm not anything. And I'm going to hold it in.”

Well, I have a picture that I show kids and parents. It’s from a book: Dinosaurs Divorce. But it's a little kid's head—that's a dinosaur's head—that's about to explode because you keep everything in and the steam starts to want to just come out, burst. And that's what happens to any of us when we hold in that resentment and anger for decades.

And so you don't want it to come out in an angry way, because that's what you're trying to avoid. Instead, you want to be able to hold your own ground. You want to be able to say—ask a different question—instead of, “How can I be the best daughter for my mother?” ask, “How can I be the best support for myself? What is it I need now? Do I need to set boundaries with my mother? Can I take shortcuts? If she doesn't want to go outside, then don't go outside. Maybe instead, I can call a friend or do something else.”

And you know you can't force her mind, and if you put it on you to force your mother's mind, you're going to burn out even faster. You're in a difficult role—a caretaker role.

Any siblings or anybody else that can help out?

One sister, but you know, she has a job that's very demanding, so she's not available.

Okay. You may want to have a family meeting and be realistic. Don't over-promise your mother. Don't over-promise your sister. Set limits and make it fair. Okay? Anger is the emotion we feel when our mind assesses things to be not fair. That's not good for you.

So I'm hoping that you value yourself more and learn something called assertiveness skills, which means you don't yell at anybody else. You express what you're feeling.

And I'm going to recommend a book. I don't think I have it on my website yet, but Difficult Conversations. Difficult Conversations because it talks about the identity issue. You want to—like my identity is not wrapped around Mom and Dad. It's wrapped around me and those closest to me. And that doesn't mean that I'm not with my parents, but I'm with them lovingly and realistically.

You're in a different position, because you're in a caretaker role. But the first person you want to take care of is yourself.

So listen. Thank you so much for the call, and I wish you some happiness for yourself and looking for a job too, so that you can have a life.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

For a romantic relationship to work, your aspirations for the future need to be compatible. For an example, an important value to discover is whether you and a potential partner want to have children or not, and if you do, how many. This choice dramatically affects your future together. A discrepancy in values here is often a deal breaker.

Explore this value honestly and openly. Even if you initially agree, one partner may have a change of mind later, and this can become a source of conflict. If a partner has children from a previous relationship, it is very important to learn how that might affect your daily life together and your long-range goals.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.