The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com

Beverly, how'd you know?

Because I hired a detective.

Yeah, I thought you were having an affair.

It's ridiculous.

I know.

Okay. Look, you could have told me about it, though, couldn't you? You just completely left me out. Why didn't you tell me, John, you've got to answer that.

I was ashamed.

Ashamed of what? Of dancing?

Well, no, no, none of what I find to be happier when we have so much now.

How would you like to love your life? I don't mean just like it. I don't mean just settle and, you know, it's the day-to-day routine stuff. But I mean really love your life. With me today is author Craig Biddle. Welcome to the show, Craig.

Thank you.

Hi, Craig. You've written a book, Loving Life, and what I found interesting about it was that you talked about not just being a happy person — put on a happy face, be a Pollyanna, or the rose-colored glasses — you talked about achieving happiness. Now that makes me hopeful, because if I'm somebody who doesn't, you know, maybe I may not even have gone to college, but I'm sitting here saying, "How do I achieve my happiness?" It sounds like there's a method — some way that I can go about achieving it. Answer that.

Absolutely, there is. Happiness is not something that we're born with. It's something that we achieve. Happiness is a state of mind that ultimately comes to you from pursuing and achieving your life-serving goals. You may be born into a family that has a greater degree of wealth than another family, and you may be born into parents that treat you better than somebody else's, but none of that changes the fact that you have free will, and that you can make your decisions in life and set your goals and pursue them — or not.

Yeah, but you know what, if you're born into a rich family, you really have an edge, don't you? I'm just playing devil's advocate.

I would certainly say there's an advantage to having parents who can afford to send you to, you know, better schools, etc. But that doesn't change the fact that you have free will. And there are countless people out there who were born into, you know, poverty, who then picked themselves up by the bootstrap, so to speak. And if they want wealth, or if they wanted wealth, they achieved it by their own choices and actions.

And I think many of us know of examples where somebody has been born into wealth and they just wither their lives away. They don't enjoy their lives. They don't make the most of it. They don't know how to be productive, how to choose goals for themselves, and they end up just being a worthless playboy or a bum.

I need more than two hands to count the people I know who fit that bill — who were born into very well-off families and had every advantage and opportunity in the world and have done absolutely nothing with their life.

Give me an example of some of these people.

Some of the people that I went to school with. I can recall one person in particular who was probably an outright genius in terms of his intelligence, but never applied himself to anything serious — or never applied himself seriously to anything of importance, I should say. Instead, he became a big partier and, you know, he was very funny and could carry a crowd, and always seemed kind of happy. Well, today he is miserable in a job that he doesn't like at all. And I don't see him often, but every once in a while, living in the small city that I do live in — Richmond — I run into him. And you know, he chose that destiny, and he had the advantage, you know, that everybody wishes they had — you know, great degree of intelligence and born into a well-off family.

So sometimes that backfires royally.

Exactly.

So when you say achieving it — say, I'm not born into that family and I want to be happy — how do I go about it? What would you advise me to do?

I'd say that there are two things you need most—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is — The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm… The Selfish Path to Romance… that is interesting.

I want to be happy. How do I go about it? What would you advise me to do?

I'd say that there are two things you need most. You need to set goals. You need to make decisions about what you want in life, and that takes a lot of thought. You know, you don’t just choose the first thing that comes to mind. You have to look at the full context of the things that you care about in life, and then determine which ones are most important. And then you need principles. You need ideas to help guide you in the pursuit of those goals.

Ultimately, what you need is a proper morality, believe it or not. That's what’s at issue here. And unfortunately, the word “morality” has gotten a bad rap. Historically, people think that morality is all about self-sacrifice, and Loving Life, my book, explains that it’s not about self-sacrifice at all. It’s about the achievement of personal happiness.

Okay, so I'm still that housewife, and I'm listening to you and saying, okay, you're talking about principles, and you're talking about setting goals. I get I would need to set goals. But how do I go about setting goals? And how do I go about doing this thing — achieving happiness? I want this thing — happiness. I’m sick of being depressed. I'm sick of being anxious. I'm sick of being obsessive-compulsive, just cleaning the house the way I'm doing. I want my life back. I want to enjoy it. How do I go about doing it?

Well, here's the thing — life and happiness are complex things, and they're difficult to achieve. A life of happiness is difficult to achieve. And there is no person, and there's no philosophy that can tell a person what particular things he or she has to do to become happy.

The only thing that a good morality can tell you is what you need to do in general terms — what kind of actions you need to take to achieve the goals that you choose. If I were to say to somebody, "Well, what you need to do to be happy is go out and be a doctor," well, you know, that would just be a random assertion. It wouldn't have any connection to that person's values. They need to decide—

By— don’t let other people decide for you.

Exactly.

And what you’re saying is that you introspect, you ask yourself some questions and say, "What do I like? What do I want for my life? What would bring me that sense of thrill, or that excitement of getting out of bed first thing in the morning?"

Exactly. You need to choose the things that you would enjoy if you pursued them, and then you need to pursue them. And to do so, you need to have guidance in the form of, as I said earlier, principles. And that requires work. It sounds a little bit, you know, heady in some ways. It sounds philosophical — and it is — but that's what, you know, a life of happiness requires.

Okay, let me see if I understand you correctly. There are different types of principles. One principle could be: do only for others, not for yourself.

Yes, and that would absolutely destroy me.

I could also say: do whatever I want, however I want to get whatever I want, to step on whoever I want. That’s another principle that could destroy my happiness — even though it would look like I’m getting things, like the playboy who’s out there, you know, collecting women or something. He’s not happy, even though it would look to the outside world that he’s happy.

And the alternative is really thinking long range. You know, if you want the goal of ballroom dancing, or you want the goal of going back to school for a specific career, or you want the goal of a romantic partner — think about how to achieve that in a very rational manner. And by rational, it's not rationalistic — it’s thinking about it clearly and in a way that will help you attain the goal in a way that’s doable — not in some extreme way that’s not doable, like, “Oh, just find your husband. This week. I did it.”

Is that what you mean?

Exactly. You mentioned that, you know, there are false principles — or what I would call false principles — but to put it in terms that might be easier for someone to understand: anti-life principles or sacrificial principles. And those, I say in my book Loving Life, are wrong. Any principle that says you should sacrifice yourself or that you should sacrifice others is a morally incorrect principle.

Okay, we’re almost out of time. So it's morally incorrect if any guidance that you have in your own mind tells you to sacrifice yourself — to be a doormat in life — and it's also morally wrong to be the playboy in life and to just go after principles and go after what you want willy-nilly.

And I'm talking with Craig Biddle. And you can get his book Loving Life at Amazon.com or at my website, DrKenner.com. Thank you very much for being with us.

My pleasure.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this.

NAD, here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Initially, you learn about your partner one detail at a time. After you’ve gotten to know your partner well — and this may take years — there will be times when you find that you know what your partner is thinking or feeling about many issues without your partner saying anything, because your acquired knowledge will have become automatic. But do not assume you will ever know every opinion your partner holds on every issue. Remember, your partner has free will and the power of independent thought. Partners’ values, preferences, and viewpoints may change over time. Both partners may encounter totally new ideas and experiences, and their reactions may sometimes be unpredictable. The need to communicate clearly and with respect never ends.