The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Scott, you're dealing with some procrastination problems.

Yes.

How are you?

Very good.

Yes, that's in a nutshell, which from that—it just has a ripple effect in many areas.

Okay, and tell me—can you give me a snapshot view of what's going on, what you just know about yourself, where you're procrastinating?

Okay, I don't want to switch gears here, but it all ties into being unemployed for a year, laid off, self-esteem issues, lack of doing paperwork. It piling up. Failure to look at, call creditors when I don't have a cent to pay. Yeah, paying COVID insurance. Actually thrown out of the house. I'm married—marriage going south.

Okay, kids in the house? You've got kids? Do you have any children?

They're gone. I've been married for 30 years.

Okay, okay.

And she's thrown you out of the house and then accepted you back in?

Right. And it's going that direction again. But it was just really hard. Then I came back and then found out she's diagnosed with cancer. I went through all that with her, which being unemployed was a good thing that time, because I was there, but still have the reality of bills.

And are you working, Scott, are you working now?

I am, I am now.

So you're employed now, and now it's getting your life back in order. How long have you been employed?

For four months.

Four months. And have you found any of your self-respect returning at all?

Self-respect as far as returning back to work, returning—

Back to work. It sounds like you had just a total collapse of confidence. You were out of work for a period of time, and you ended up not using that as an opportunity to get your house in order, but it kind of just ricocheted through your whole life, and you just let go of the reins—

Right. There's just nothing I could do. Creditors call. I don't have it. Okay? Payment and insurance for medical, and—and it's just draining me. I ignore it.

Okay, so when you ignore it, what have you—when you ran the experiment of ignoring it, and what did you discover? What toll did it have?

Well, again, I'm outside the door.

Okay, that's a good metaphor. That's a good way to hold it in your mind—outside the door—meaning your wife kicks you out and you're not a happy camper. So what—what—yeah, what a failure in life, right? And when have you not been a failure? Again, very briefly, when did you have a period of time in your life when you did not feel like a failure, but things felt—you felt more on the ball and confident?

Probably in the—God, years ago, you mean?

Anytime in your life.

Fifteen years ago.

Fifteen years ago. And what was the essence—what was going on then?

I had a job that I was—I felt that filled my—who I was. Yeah, it was more who I was. And I was out in front of public, and I enjoyed what I was doing.

Okay. So the question is what—how to rebuild that? How to recapture that?

Oh yeah, okay. I just—it's totally gone. Everything.

So the fact that you once had it means that someplace in your subconscious you've stored away information of how to lead your life better. You need to know that about yourself. You haven't always been—what you damn yourself in your worst moments—a loser, right?

Right, right.

And so you want to project forward. If you project forward in a catastrophic way, you'll picture yourself what?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills—30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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If you haven't always been what you damn yourself in your worst moments—a loser, right?

Right, right, right.

And so you want to project forward. If you project forward in a catastrophic way, you'll picture yourself what? Where do losers end up? Down, right?

Yeah.

And you can picture the imagery. But that's what we all do. If we feel out of sorts—we feel like there's a period of time when things are down. And the skill you want, psychologically, is to be able to think of the direction you want to go in. I call it sometimes Think Ideal. Think of a very good—or reasonable—it doesn't have to be that you become a NASA space scientist—but think of a reasonable outcome of rebuilding your life, so that you can look back at this period and talk in past tense: "Oh, I remember when I went through a rough period in my life. And boy, you know, it took a while to turn around. But boy, once I started, I started to build up slowly. And I rebuilt my financial situation and my confidence, and my life started coming back to me." You know, or "I started bringing my life back to me." It's more putting you in the driver’s seat.

So skill number one is to Think Ideal. You think of how to capture a view of yourself. Instead of catastrophizing, capture—set a goal for yourself—a mental picture, a mental goal. Then you want to be very kind to yourself. Nobody can accomplish everything all at once.

In your marriage, how could you make the very next step towards rebuilding the trust, rebuilding the relationship? Just a small little step. This is the skill called Next Action. What if I'm packing for a trip? I ask myself, "Well, what's the next action I need to take?" "Well, you know, I need to get my socks." So I get my socks. That’s a doable task, rather than “I need to pack everything all at once.” So you break it down into bite-sized pieces. What is the next piece? What's the next action you could take with your wife that would bring you more towards the ideal?

Well, exceeding that—conquering those little—taking the information of facts from the bite sizes and just kind of work on them.

Okay, which ones? The financial problems—is that her biggest complaint? Is it that she doesn't feel close with you anymore? What's going on?

She does not—she feels—she literally hates me.

She hates you?

Can't stand to look at me and—oh man—try to find—get out—I can't, you know—get a house. We can't afford selling the house. Number one, we have—

So you're trapped together financially, huh? It sounds like you're trapped financially because you can't afford any major move. You can't afford a divorce at this point?

I can't even do that. Like a deer looking into the headlights. I'm just kind of like, whoa. I just need this—a recording, a loop recording that just keeps repeating itself—when she tells me about who I am—what—

That's really hard. Then I think sometimes in those cases, if—to separate would be better. But if you don't have the finances to do that, try to keep your thinking about your future—that ideal I talked about—independent from her.

There are a few books that I would like to recommend. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com. One is How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life. It’s a very skinny, easy read.

How to get through what now?

How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life by Alan Lakein. L-A-K-E-I-N. You can go to my website.

You can also get the book The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, and he has a whole section on procrastination—why people procrastinate. That you don’t wait until you’re in a good mood, for example, to get going. You just start. One of the skills is to get going anyway—that you don’t “should” yourself to death: “I should be doing this. I should be doing that.” Instead, you figure out a good plan for yourself. You do make a plan.

You figure out—if part of your procrastination has to do with communication with your wife, maybe you’re procrastinating because you're so angry with her. And he will give you some good information in that book.

Again, that’s the book The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns.

And thank you so much for your call. Hope that helps.

Appreciate your time.

Okay.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I might be the only person on the face of the Earth that knows you, the greatest woman on Earth, and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good about me.

And I think that is just lovely. That is Jack Nicholson from As Good As It Gets. And just that ability in a very close relationship, for somebody to take the time to recognize what they love in you—to put it into words, to share it with you—and to recognize that the reason they’re capable of recognizing it is that they value it and they have it in themselves.

And that doesn’t mean thugs can’t recognize it, but the reason they value it so highly is that they share that same character trait—that honesty, that integrity.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Here are a few assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively.

One, limit your complaint to the most pressing issue. Deal with one issue at a time using examples as needed, and make it the most important one. Overwhelming your partner with a litany of complaints will shut down the conversation abruptly. No one can manage even three issues at once.

Two, do not be afraid to express strong emotion—provided this is not done with malice or with “you” language (“You always…”, “You never…”), but with frankness. For example, “I’m furious. Now I’ll be back in half an hour to talk about what happened.” Your partner needs to know the intensity with which some conflict is affecting you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com