The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Cody, welcome to the show.

How you doing now?

Very good. What are you dealing with, Cody?

Well, me and my wife are having anger issues. It's mostly her anger, and I'm trying to figure out a way that we can cope with that anger, instead of ending up in a really broad fight about everything that's in our life.

Okay, give me a very brief snapshot of one of the recent fights you had that really got out of hand.

Okay, last night, I forget that I have a really bad habit of leaving my glass beside the bed at night. And she's really anal about leaving things around the house, and I'm usually pretty good about picking everything up after myself. But last night, I forgot to pick up my glass, and she woke me up at like three o'clock this morning, hollering and screaming at me, just for that reason—just for leaving a glass beside the bed.

Okay, when I hear something like that, my mind says it's not about the glass, because otherwise she looks like a fool, right? There's something much deeper in your relationship with her and in what she sees as important in life. What does that glass represent? To the best of your knowledge, you're not putting that glass away—what does it represent?

I think it represents like me not, you know, doing enough for her. That's what I see it as.

Is there some truth in that?

That's the problem that I have dealing with—is I do everything I possibly can for—

Okay. What do you think is missing?

I'm not sure exactly. I mean, right now we're in the military—

Yeah, both of you?

No, ma'am, I am.

Okay. And I just returned from overseas.

Okay, thank you for your service. Incredible risk you take. What do you do—when you say "the military"?

Coast Guard.

Coast Guard. Okay. And you were overseas where?

I was in the Persian Gulf on a cutter—on the U.S. Coast Guard Cutter.

Yeah, you had—I'm sure you had some scary moments.

A couple, yeah.

Well, I want to give you the time for you and your wife, though. So tell me—she's feeling like you don't do enough for her?

Yes, ma'am.

And what do you think—what is it that she wants? You know her. How long have you been married?

We've been married since June.

Since June. So you may not know her so well. You're both kind of feeling each other out. And you've been away for how long?

Well, I was away for six months.

So, since June, you've been away for six months?

No, ma'am. I was away before we got married.

Okay.

I got returned, and I've noticed it ever since then.

And this wasn’t something that happened when you knew her earlier?

No, ma'am. Whenever we knew each other earlier, I was always gone. And whenever I came home, it was great. Everything was perfect. We had, you know, we had a great love life. We had time—we always went out because we were for each other. We didn’t care about anybody else at that time. But whenever we got married and settled down, you know, we kind of jumped into the normal life.

Okay, "normal" sounds like that really pulled down your relationship. Let me ask you—what’s happening with your sex life?

Our sex life?

Yeah.

Well, it’s kind of went downhill, honestly. Yeah, we only—we used to have sex, excuse me—we used to have sex, you know, make love maybe sometimes two or three times a day, and it went from that to maybe once a week.

Okay. Some of that’s totally normal when you first get married.

Yes, ma’am.

But do you think she has any feelings about that? Or do you have any feelings about that that are pretty strong?

I think—another thing that she noticed is she’s really self-conscious with everything. She’s always worried about me, you know, going around and doing everything else, and she’s worried about me cheating on her.

Where do you think that comes from? Is there a history of your having cheated on her or someone else?

No, ma’am.

Has she cheated on anyone? Has she cheated on you or in a former relationship?

Not that I know of.

Okay, so she’s insecure.

Yes, ma’am.

Okay. Let me get back to the anger. Anger is an emotion that says that—

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Allen will be back.

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Anger is an emotion that says that she’s experiencing something very important as not fair. And when she picks on the cup that you left beside the bed and didn’t put away, and you’re calling her "anal," like she’s got all these petty things that she wants you to do—those are typically surface things, and you want to get to the core. What are the key things that your wife feels are not fair in the relationship? From her perspective—in reality, they may be totally fair—but from her perspective, what might she be perceiving is unfair?

That she has to come up—excuse me—and something like that, that she has to remind me to pick something up, or—

Well, what is that rep—? Is it that she feels she’s not visible or valued or important enough to you? That if you pick up the cup, it means you love her, you value her, you care, you pay attention. And if you don’t, that’s proof—that’s her proof—that you just don’t care.

Yes, to me, that’s what I’m trying to get to. Is like, whenever—if I don’t pick up the glass, it means, like, I don’t listen to her.

So she’s putting an awful lot of emphasis on the glass. What do you think she would like you to hear? Does she want more time with you? Does she need you to tell her how much you love her more? Does she need—what’s her love language? Does she like flowers? Does she like help around the house? What does she value most?

Oh, she loves everything like that. And whenever I try to do it, it seems like—like whenever I wake up with her in the morning—she’s a registered nurse—

Yeah.

—and she has to drive an hour to work every morning. So I get up with her every morning. And I still have to get up and go to work. I get up with her, I make her breakfast, or I’ll get her clothes together for her while she takes a shower and she, you know, does her morning, morning routine. And she goes and, you know, has her day. Usually during that time period, she’s, you know, lovey-dovey and all and great. But if she sees something that sets her off, that’s whenever, you know, she has those spats.

Okay. Do you have the ability to hold on a little bit? Because we have to go to break right now. While—during break, think about where in her past this may come from—maybe her family of origin. You know, what did she grow up with?

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Sex expert Michele Weiner-Davis has noticed that men who feel rejected sexually often express their hurt as anger. This tends to drive their partners away, which intensifies their anger. To prevent this downward spiral, men need to be good at introspection—looking inward—and women need to see beneath the anger to understand the rejection. Cutting off communication guarantees that the issues causing anger will remain unresolved. Nagging is another way of expressing anger—more often used by women. Nagging invites resistance and resentment, undermining your partner’s desire to be intimate with you, and likely your partner will just tune you out. If you and your partner have unresolved problems, there are better ways to resolve them.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at Amazon.com.