How can I get over the death of a violent brother whom I both loved and hated?
The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and at Amazon.com
Welcome to the show, Lillian.
Hi, hi.
Tell me, what's your question?
My question is, how can I deal with anxiety and terrible depression over the death of my brother without medication?
Oh, your brother recently died. What happened?
Well, my brother was in prison for 45 years for various things. At first, he ran away from home because we— and then he got into the system from that way, and then he got heroin in prison, and it— or what ladies and juvenile places. And he just—he just turned 60, and he got out of prison, and he was doing really well at a job, and he was getting married, and— but he had heart failure.
Okay, so it was a sudden death.
We were to take care of him, and we didn’t get along, and I loved him so much.
Okay, what did you love about him?
He had— he was— I know it sounds ridiculous, but he would— even in prison, I keep getting letters of help. He’s changed people’s lives. And he gave a speech once when he got out for a short time, and the dean of the University of Washington wanted to give him— pay him to go and lecture around how the penal system doesn’t work. He was very charismatic, and he— and I loved him, and he took care of us. When my parents abandoned us, we were on the streets for months before—
Oh my gosh, how long?
And so we had a special bond, and I loved him so much, and he’s dead now. I think about it, I feel like I’m gonna go mad, but there’s nothing you can do.
Okay. How long ago did he die?
July 12.
July 12, so several months ago?
Well, yeah.
And what has helped in that interim?
Well, it seemed like for two weeks, I was doing real well. I didn’t care. I was just— I was— I was just engulfed in grief, and there was nothing that could have pulled me out. Then all of a sudden, I snapped out of it. I can’t exactly tell you what snapped me out. I— whether it was a Gershwin tune or— I used to be in Broadway musicals, and— and I think music helped me. And then I’m a real estate agent as well. But then— but then I keep getting waves of the reality of him being dead. And, you know, his ashes were in my trunk. He hated the cold. I had to run out there and bring him in because, you know, I’m just—
You had to run out and bring— what in?
His ashes in.
Oh, okay, because he hates the cold, yeah.
And so I feel like I’m going with sugar.
Okay, so here— here’s what I’m hearing. That you— even though he was in prison, you’re saying that you owe him. You owe him so much from the beginning of life, from when you were— and that you— you are so appreciative of that, and you didn’t get along at the end. So it wasn’t a good ending for both of you.
No.
You didn’t get any closure there. But know that it’s within you— your capacity to app— to love and appreciate is within you. That’s a trait of your own. That’s a character trait that you’ve developed over the years. Another person would have said, “You know what? I hated him. I hated his guts.” Now, there are things about your brother you probably didn’t like because he was in prison, right?
Well, he’d always escape, and he’d rob our family, and— and even rob places that I worked at, you know. And when I was a concierge at a hotel, and when he robbed the—
So he violated individual rights all the time?
All the time. Okay.
Oh yeah. He was— he was not perfect, and he did a lot of horrible things that, you know, he wasn’t in prison for.
What’s the most horrible thing he did?
Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Lillian will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is— The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.
He did a lot of horrible things that, you know, he wasn’t in prison for.
What’s the most horrible thing he did?
Armed robbery.
Armed robbery. Okay, so it could have been me or you.
Yeah, at the point of a gun. Yeah, right at his gun.
So he— if you— you— when you— such a person, you want to make sure to keep the full picture, the full context. That’s what I was talking about at the beginning with— you know, it could be worse, it could be raining— but you want to hold the full context.
This man, on the whole, was not a lovable person. He’s someone who could turn on you. He’s someone who was using drugs. I’m assuming— did you say heroin?
Yes.
He was someone who screwed up his life at the very beginning. He had a really hard start. Granted that. But there are a lot— the same words exactly. And so you ran an experiment in your family, and you noticed that you made much better choices.
And I just finished a tape on Frederick Douglass, who was a slave, and you know what? He was— he was brought up being beaten— really badly beaten— and he became a phenomenal individual. And you don’t have to know the history. But I would say that on the whole, you can say that you have the capacity to value what your brother did heroically at the outset of your life, but then he made a series of very bad choices that got worse over time. He destroyed what could have been your loving brother.
So when you met him at the end of his life— we didn’t know it was the end of his life—
No.
When you met him at the end of his life, you were probably holding out some hopes that the university— was it the dean or something who said—
The university, yes.
Right. You know, you were probably holding out some hopes that he would— he would be a much better person. But my guess is, given the whole— his whole long history, 60 years— that you didn’t get along with him at the end there. So something was—
Taking care of him, and he was acting like an ass.
Okay. So— he’s not a good person. I think your brain needs to be able to integrate that over time.
And you— it doesn’t sound so much— I know that you’re feeling like you have a lot of depression and anxiety. That’s normal. Anxiety is uncertainty, and you don’t know how to place your brother in your own mind. Was he a good person or a bad person? Could you have done more or should you have just dumped him at one point?
You need to go through grief. You need active grieving. Grieving is allowing yourself to bawl your eyes out because you need to be able to have the thoughts so you can connect them clearly— just like you’re doing on radio right now with me.
You want to acknowledge the death, understand his death, understand your own pain that you’re feeling, reconnect to his memory. It’s not him, but just— if I were you, I would try to preserve what you loved about him without denying that he did armed robbery. This is not a good person.
It was— it wasn’t like, you know— you know, for his own— well, it was because, you know, heroin is—
Yes. Oh, I understand he was addicted. And I understand people do really bad things on that. But people also work to get off of it too. As you said, you did much better.
Listen, I wish we could continue this. I know we’re at the end of time.
Thank you so much, and I encourage you to get grief therapy.
And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:
“What a filthy job.” “Could be worse.” “How?” “Could be raining.”
And that’s a classic line from Young Frankenstein. And there are times when my husband and I are just frustrated with something, and we’ll look at one another and we’ll say, “It could be worse. It could be raining.” And that’s actually a very good therapy skill— to be able to keep a sense of proportion.
Even today— today I went out and I had to return some bedding that I bought. The sheets didn’t fit, so I went to return it, and I couldn’t find the sales slip anywhere. And I was really stressing out about this. Now think about the things that you can stress out about in your life. I mean, losing a sales slip is minor.
And one of the therapy skills is to keep a sense of proportion— to be able to say, “It could be worse. You could have lost a lot more than just a therapy slip”— not a therapy slip, excuse me— than the receipt for bedding.
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:
Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:
"Intimacy is an important part of romantic partners’ lives together. Of course, crises can and do cause long intervals between intimate encounters, but many couples allow such temporary interruptions to become normal. So young couples sometimes ask, 'Is it true that sexual attraction normally fades as time goes on?' And many do let other aspects of their lives take priority over intimacy— but they don’t have to. It is a choice. In the most successful romantic partnerships, sexual intimacy is made a conscious priority. Ideally, sexual attraction is enhanced with time, especially as emotional intimacy deepens."
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com