The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @Amazon.com

Welcome, Claritha. Did I get your name right? Yes, yes. And your question is, what?

How to get rid of that nervousness? So, my gosh, you're on the air right now. How did you do that just now? What did you say to yourself to encourage yourself to call in?

I needed some doubt.

Okay, so give me an example of what's going on. What would you like fixed? If you could give me an example of the problem.

When my name is called, and in front of people, my heart starts beating fast, and I get inside the word I cannot speak. Okay, yeah.

And then what happens?

Well, I feel like I need to pass out or something. Okay.

Do you know what's happening there? No, let me tell you first what's happening. If you were, let's say, about to cross the street and a car was coming toward you, bear with me for a minute. What would you, what would happen to your body? Would it relax? Would it be like you're on a desert island and, you know, sipping rum or something? No, you would tense up. Right, right? Your muscles would tense up. Your breathing would get tight. You might feel a tightness in your chest, your heart would start doing what it needs to beat more efficiently to get more oxygen in, it'd be fast, right? It needs to get the oxygen in. And a little people feel a little bit dizzy or disoriented, or sometimes it's called derealization. That's because a tad less oxygen goes to the brain. All of it, all of your, excuse me, a tad less of your blood goes to your brain, but what happens is you're shifting gears. You're shifting gears from digesting food and storing energy to getting ready to spend a lot of energy if a Mac truck is coming towards you, right? You need to run across the street or run back on the street, or take very quick action. Yeah, that is a normal—would you agree that that's a normal, healthy functioning? That if we just sat and relaxed when we saw the truck coming towards us, something would be off base? If I said, "Oh, there's a big Mac truck speeding towards me, and, oh my gosh, you know, something I'm made of flesh and bones, and that truck is made of metal, and I might be squished, you know, do I have time to think like that?" No, I have no time. So, we have a part of our nervous system called the autonomic nervous system. You can think of it as the autopilot, the automatic nervous system, and it responds to threats instantaneously. It releases cortisol, adrenaline into your system when you recognize the truck coming at you, and that shifts different systems in your body. It shifts the blood, your—as we talked about—your heart will pound faster, and it's beating faster to get more blood in and get the carbon dioxide out. Your muscles will tense. You'll feel—what are some of the other things that you felt? A little bit dizziness, I talked about, that your eyes will dilate a little more. You would never... How do any of us know that, right? Unless we're looking in a mirror, but what happens is it's triggering the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. It's a normal function under normal conditions. Everybody has it. Now, what happens when you're about to speak in public, someone says, "What's your name?" And they’re going around the room, and we’re going to introduce ourselves. Ellen, would you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you? And I feel that rush of adrenaline, right? And there’s no Mack truck there. So, what hit me? It wasn’t a Mack truck. Something else had to hit me. Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance— that is interesting, and

there’s no Mack truck there. So, what hit me? It wasn’t a Mack truck. Something else had to hit me. What they think here in my mind, my thoughts, it’s actually my thoughts. I sent myself a Mack truck thought. And the thoughts could be along the lines of, "What if I mess up? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t know what to say? This is awkward. I wish they wouldn’t put me on the spot this way." Do those sound like Mack truck thoughts? Yeah. When you have those thoughts, your body does the natural thing. It triggers that autonomic nervous system, the sympathetic branch. Is that making sense? So, number one, you need to know that that's a normal function of your body. Otherwise, people come up with all sorts of things. So usually, four things people feel. When they feel that rush of anxiety, they feel that they're going to die, they're going crazy, they're going to embarrass themselves in public, or they're having a heart attack. None of those, typically, none of those are true. I mean, unless you have a medical problem, unless you have heart problems—though, if it’s just that anxiety, that rush of anxiety—none of those are true. So, what would then turn it around? What would make it not a Mack truck thought, but just a lovely thought? If asked me my name right now: "What is your name?" I'm Ellen. What's yours? Oh, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Did it go ahead?

Now you’re unprepared, right? Yeah, you don’t know what to say. So you could just tell me, "I’m unprepared right now. Why don’t you tell me about yourself?" Ellen, I’m prepared right now. Notice that you don’t have to answer my question if you’re unprepared. You can just say, "You know, why don’t you pass to the next person? I’m unprepared right now." Okay, so that’s one thing you can do. You can also get some help from cognitive therapy. Have you heard of that before? No? Cognitive therapy? There are wonderful books that will help you deal with anxiety. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and there’s a link there to a cognitive therapy website, but you can also look at the books I recommend. And anxiety is something you need to see. What are your thoughts? You know, all that talk we say to ourselves, "What if I make a fool of myself?" What do you typically do? Do you typically say, "What if I make a fool of myself?"

Right? And what if I get it

wrong? What if I get it wrong? Yeah. And what if you said to yourself, "Who cares? Who am I trying to impress here?"

Okay, when

do you typically do this?

Someone calls my name? Everything's COVID, Russia.

Okay, you can practice having someone... Do you live with someone close? No. You can have them—do you? I know I don’t. Oh, you don’t. Oh, if you have a friend or a co-worker, just say, "Call my name," and just get used to someone calling your name, okay? And just have different thoughts. You know, just say, "It doesn’t matter whether I get it right or wrong. I’m curious to learn about the person who’s asking me my name," okay, rather than always feeling like you’re being judged.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner,

It’s no accident that narcissists and altruists often have a magnetic attraction to one another. Can you see how perfect the fit is? The altruist feels the need to selflessly serve others, and this is just what the narcissist wants. Narcissists want to be worshipped and gratified in every way possible. And this is just what the altruists offer, thinking it demonstrates their moral virtue. But the fact that they represent a fit does not make such a relationship successful. The narcissist cannot be satisfied, and may soon tire of just one worshiper, and the more selfless the worship the altruist offers, the greater the feeling of emptiness that results. Such people may stay together out of fear or inertia, but it won’t be a relationship between self-respecting equals, and it certainly won’t be romantic.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book @Amazon.com.