The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Here is a question that I received from someone who has a hatred of some sounds, you know, like you might not like chalk on the chalkboard, although nowadays we use whiteboards, so that kind of dates me. Or you may get on a plane and think, "Oh my God, I am sitting next to a baby—a mother, a baby, and her three kids are in the seat in front of us. Oh my God." You may not anticipate a very pleasant flight because the baby is going to be screaming, and the kids are going to be all over her, unless you love babies and are really in the mood to be playful with the kids. This may not be the type of airplane flight you're looking for. Well, what happens if you hate some sounds and they’re everyday sounds? How do you deal with it when it's not just a baby on a plane, which doesn't happen every day, or some other sound like the scratching of fingernails on a chalkboard? When it's everyday sounds, that’s where Amy is struggling. Here’s her situation and question.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I'm 20 years old and have been hypersensitive to sound since age eight. So my first question is, what happened at age eight? What was going on in your life? Who comes to mind? So I've been hypersensitive to sounds since age eight. Here are the sounds: loud typing, mouse clicking—you know, the click of the mouse when you're using the computer—loud chewing and eating (which brings up some interesting visuals), the sound of flip flops (that’s going to be a problem in the summer), coughing (if you’re around anyone who’s sick), throat clearing, sniffling, very sharp sounds, pen clicking, and other such unpredictable, inconsistent sounds that annoy me to the point of anger and distraction. I also suffer from migraines, which are often thought to be correlated with hypersensitivity. I've heard of misophonia, in which certain auditory stimuli abnormally increase in volume as the sound waves travel through the ear canal to the brain. This seems to describe my condition, regardless of whether this hypersensitivity is actually a cognitive or a biological condition. Do you have any advice about dealing with the issue? I've developed several coping techniques. For example, the white noise of a fan helps at home, wearing headphones when appropriate, and leaving situations involving too much stimulation. But I haven’t been able to find any long-term solutions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Amy.

So, Amy, the first thing you want to congratulate yourself on is that you're really motivated to change. You’re searching for solutions, and you’re searching for a name to explain what the heck is going on with you. Why are these noises driving you to distraction? Why are they making you angry? Anger is the emotion that says something's not fair. What is not fair with these noises? What's going through your mind? What is amplifying these noises in your mind? And what could possibly amplify the noises?

First, obviously, you’d want to rule out issues with medical specialists, maybe audiologists or other doctors, to make sure that your hearing is okay and that your brain function is okay, so that there’s nothing big neurologically going on that would explain it. You don’t want to go through a lot of work thinking that it’s possible to change it and then find out that, oh my god, it might be a tumor or something, and maybe it isn’t. You can get information online about what you were talking about; I’m sure that’s where you got the idea of misophonia. I saw in one spot I looked up that there’s a study being done with FMRIs.

Now, that does raise some questions, though, because if it’s not simply a biological problem, let’s say it’s got psychological causes—what are they? That requires detective work, psychological detective work. And I’m sure you’ve done a lot of this, Amy. It’s asking yourself questions, sitting down, and introspecting. You want to understand. I'll just give you a sample of questions, but you’ll get the idea.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back with more on romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com, and buy it at amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Asking yourself questions, sitting down and introspecting. You want to understand. I'll just give you a sample of questions, but you’ll get the idea. Why are only certain sounds bothering me? Why do I only amplify certain sounds and not others? For example, if my vision were blurry, it would be blurry across the board. You know, after you come out of an eye exam and they put those drops in your eyes, you don’t see some things clearly and not others—everything’s blurry. They have you sit for a bit before you get in a car and drive away. So with you, it’s specific sounds that are bothering you. So you want to ask yourself, why am I so hypersensitive to these particular sounds? Take each sound individually and explore it.

You know, what’s going on with mouse clicking? What images come to mind? You want to look for associations. What comes to mind when I think of coughing and throat clearing and sniffling? Who comes to mind? You know, this happened at a young age, at age eight—did that hypersensitivity grow with time? Did your parents or caretakers make a big deal about it? Then the question is, why do I feel angry? What’s not fair? You might ask yourself, when I hear a triggering sound, where do my thoughts go that allow me to break my concentration? Initially, it might be, “Oh, not that sound again. I wish they’d stop,” or “It’s so loud, and they don’t get it.” You want to understand what’s underneath those thoughts. Why is it a problem? And you keep going, layer by layer, deeper and deeper, to understand yourself. Why would that be a problem?

You want to figure out if there are any similar sounds that don’t trigger the same response. Are there times when these same sounds don’t bother you? Maybe there’s a boyfriend you like, and he’s wearing flip flops, and that sound doesn’t bother you suddenly. Try an experiment when you’re experiencing one of those annoying triggers. Allow yourself to think of those associations—any associations that come to mind: images, memories, experiences, people in the past. You know, there are people who have triggers—they amplify a sound psychologically. For example, I worked with Vietnam vets, and when a truck backed up, several of them jumped. It was in group therapy because they thought they were back in the war. It sounded like a gun going off or something. So we all make those associations. You want to figure out and get to the bottom of yours.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories on goal setting.

Loving couples selfishly want to give their partners as much pleasure as possible. However, there are two ways that focusing too much on your partner can undermine sexual pleasure. One way is to let your mind anxiously wander, worrying, “What’s my partner thinking about me?” This is usually due to some self-doubt. Here are some examples of pleasure-blocking, anxiety-provoking thoughts: “Does what I’m doing look foolish? Am I making too much noise or too little? Am I too fat, too skinny, too unmuscular?”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.