The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Debbie, the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com and right now, I

want to welcome Debbie to the show. Debbie, you want to figure out how to bring some sunshine back into your life, some happiness into your life? Yeah, yeah. What's going on?

Well, I was married for 32 years, but I was gotten a divorce back in the early 80s. I caught my husband with my sister,

with your sister,

and so I raised my boys, and I stayed together, my youngest son.

When you say you stayed together, you You divorced your husband, right? And we got back together. Oh, you did get back together.

I wanted, I wanted my sons to have their dad because I couldn't think of anybody else getting on to them. Okay,

how old were your kids?

They were about four and two at the time, little ones, and then we I struggled, and then we stayed together, and then,

and things got better. Your sister was out of the picture. I take it well,

no, in my heart, being nice to someone makes me feel better. I couldn't just be rude and mean and hateful,

okay, but she did betray you in the biggest way possible. But anyway, yeah, she did. And you want, you don't want to be mean and rude and hateful to the person I'm speaking with meaning you,

right? I don't be mean to myself, because I like myself pretty good. Yes, that's

very good. So what's the situation? The situation now is, what? What else do I need to know to get me to the situation now?

Well, I lost my son. It was 22 what happened? An accident

just recently.

It will be two years, February, the 11th, okay, very,

very painful. A car accident, yes, yeah. And what do you do? What have you gotten help since then?

Have you gone? No, no, I just I don't want to be put on medication. Okay,

maybe you could see a cognitive therapist, because they will give you a lot of good coping skills, good thinking skills. But anyway, tell me what's going on. So you lost your son two years ago, yes. And it's still very raw. I can hear that, yeah.

And then three years in July, yeah, it's when I've left my ex husband, but we stayed together for so long. Okay, see you go ahead. Then I met the guy that was my first love, yeah? And he was, he's not a family type person, yeah? And I thought that, I guess I maybe I go for the weaker people, thinking that I can make things better, but I'm just not happy.

Okay, so what? So let me see if I hear you correctly, that you have multiple traumas in your life. Three major ones that you're telling me right now are that you found your husband sleeping with your sister. You divorced him. This is years ago, and then you chose to get back together with him and to turn the other cheek with your sister, and to try to move on. But the scars are still there. They never go away. Believe it. I don't even need to tell you that you know that, that that's so then you had one of the most horrific tragedies a mom can have, which is to lose a son, to lose somebody who's healthy. It wasn't even to cancer, because then you know, you know, there's not much you can do. It's to an accident, a car accident, and was your relationship okay with him when he died? Oh,

honey, he was my best friend. He was your buddy. So he was my best

friend. Believe it or not, that makes it easier.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it@amazon.com huh? This selfish path to romance that is interesting.

It was my best friend with

it, believe it or not, that makes it easier, if when you I mean, it makes it very hard, because you love him. Sometimes when, when a mother loses a son and they. Are very bitter towards one another. There's no way to ever repair that. Whereas your lasting memories, nobody in the world can take away that, Oh honey, that you just said to me, that warmth you have, that with your son for life, he's not around, but your memories are still around, and he your memories of him will be around for for as long as you live. He'll carry that with you. So then you then you met someone that you thought he was your first love before you met your husband. Yes,

he was my first love, and you thought that he would make you happy, that yes and so now I just couldn't take his controlling type. You know, I like to just live in peace and harmony and trust. And if things happen, it happens. But what did you had an accident? It paralyzed me. Your accident paralyzed you? Yes, for about two years, yeah. And then I got up of going and but where I work at, I don't know if you can, I can say that, but where I worked at, they made me go out on disability, so I don't make much money, but you try to go get a job, they think, Oh, your disability, you may get beat, you know, you may not walk again easily, be paralyzed. They don't want to take that risk no more. And I'm used to being I'm an independent Okay,

so it let me tell you your goal. You're wanting to be happy first, let me give you some organization with this number one, with your son, you need to go through the grief. If you have not had counseling with that, I would see if you could get some supportive therapy. With that from a cognitive therapist, you can go to academy of CTC for cognitive T for therapy.org, and find a therapist in your area, in your part of the country. So that would be number one is to realize that grieving is a process. You need to understand the death. You need to experience the pain, not that you milk it. You don't want to have the pain for life, but you need to let your mind come to terms with it. You need to be able to realize that you want your life to go on. You have to form a new identity without being with your son and keeping him alive in a way that's very personal to you, very nice to you. So that's, that's the first piece, the second piece, yes, if you think you have a pattern of picking up weaker men who need to be rescued and need to feel good about themselves, by controlling you very good that you can pick that up, because that will make you more care. That'll make you more aware going forward, when you choose the next person, try, try to find one that has some good self esteem and doesn't need to control, control you. And the last thing is that you want to have some purpose in life, some career, some job, even if it's volunteer work, something that gives you a sense of purpose. It's always great to make money, though, so don't give up on yourself. I would keep looking and keep thinking outside of the square, maybe there's something you can do that you never thought of, that would give you a wonderful source of income. So I want to thank you so much for the call. Deb,

thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner, what is all that stuff?

Do you always carry this in your bag?

Yeah, are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady,

you know, like, sit in alleyways and, like, talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kind of

thing? And that's from the Breakfast Club, and none of us want to be a person that's homeless or doing nothing with their life. The whole goal of your life is to find a purpose that you love and make plans to pursue it, and even if it's not something you can reach immediately, like many, many careers take longer term goals, can you at least get a job, to earn the money towards that career, to go back to school? Take some steps towards your dreams. Don't give up on your dreams, as long as they are realistic. For example, if I wanted to be a brain surgeon, obviously, at this stage in my life, I'm not going to become one, and I wouldn't be accepted into medical schools at my age. So but if you have realistic goals, really, really value yourself enough so that you pursue them. Don't let anyone talk you out of them. If they're realistic and they're your goals and they're your dreams for more

Dr Kenner podcast, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this. NAD,

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner and co author Dr Edwin Locke, it's

important to share an interest in at least some activities with your partner. One partner might enjoy hiking, surfing, swimming, bicycling and movies, and the other might enjoy gardening, reading, cooking. Tennis and opera partners rarely share all interests, but it's important that they share some while they'll spend less time together and may drift apart emotionally. Do you and your partner like to talk about the same things? Although most communication between partners is about personal matters as it should be, most people like to talk about other matters too. If their intellectual interests are very different, or if one partner is interested in intellectual issues and the other is not at all, this can create distance between them.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com and you can buy the book@amazon.com