The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.
Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's a question I received from somebody who cannot stop crying. A guy who cannot stop crying, and he's going into the military—what does he do? He doesn't want to break down and cry. Obviously, in the army of all places, you just can't see a nice, strong guy sitting there and then bursting into tears. You know, he'd feel totally humiliated. So let's see what his issue is, and see if you can figure out what you do differently, or what advice you would give him to help him.

Dear Dr. Kenner,
I am not really an emotional person. I never cry over films or sad things or deaths. The only time I cry is when my parents and I are arguing. I cry from frustration with them. I never cry when I'm frustrated with other things. I just get frustrated or angry. I am going to join the army soon, so I want to stop this stupid problem. I don't want to cry and humiliate myself. I have tried everything to stop crying—deep breaths, biting my tongue, walking away and coming back, thinking of something else, pinching myself. These only stall the tears for about a minute, and then I'm sobbing. I can't hold it in either. I have absolutely zero control. How can I control my tears, or at least hold them until we finish the argument and I'm away from my parents? Thank you. I really appreciate this.

Mark.

Mark, you know, when I heard that, I have so many different comments, but the first comment I have is that when you say you're not really an emotional person, that's not a tribute to you. We don't want to be overly emotional and obviously cry at the drop of a hat and not feel like we're just leaking emotions, whether it's anger or anxiety or whatnot. But we also don't want to deaden our emotions. If we see something very sad, a death of a best friend or a family member that you loved, if you don't love the family members—sometimes people cheer they had an abusive parent that died. And surprise, surprise, they don't feel any sorrow. They may feel good riddance, but if you truly have the capacity to value whether it's a loved pet or someone that you—a grandparent that you love—or a film that really touches you, let yourself feel the emotions.

Now, if you don’t want to cry in public, you can hold it and let yourself experience it later, because that’s letting yourself breathe emotionally. So, let's get to your parents. That’s just my pitch for saying emotions on bad things. Getting rid of emotions would be like getting rid of all your happiness—not only all your anger and sadness and frustration, but all of your happiness and joy and all of those, "Yay, I did it!" Or "Wow, is this fabulous!" Or "Oh, man, this is sexy." You want to keep those emotions vibrant in yourself.

So now, why is it that you only cry with your parents when you're arguing and you just feel totally frustrated with them? You can't get through to them. Well, one of the things that crossed my mind was, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.
I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—this is interesting.

Well, one of the things that crossed my mind was if your parents are unreachable, or if you don’t know how to reach them. Number one, the problem may be you. You may not know the proper communication skills to reach your parents. You can get some books on communication. You can get assertiveness books. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, or you can also, there’s a book that I haven’t put up there, Difficult Conversations. That’s a very good book also. So you could arm yourself so that you can learn the skills and draw your parents out, hear their arguments more, try to understand them from their point of view, and then, once you understand them, tell your point of view. You may feel less frustrated.

If they are parents who are totally out there, totally irrational, and out to frustrate you and destroy you, then need to know that it’s your parents that do this, and you got unlucky, but not every adult, or not every person in the army, or every supervisor in the army, will be that unreasonable. And so you want to help yourself not draw the conclusion that everybody is like that.

This is something that’s from a quote from Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, my favorite book. She said, "You know, I think that the only real moral crime that one man can commit against another is the attempt to create by his words or actions an impression of the contradictory, the impossible, the irrational, and thus shake the concept of rationality in his victim." If that’s true with your parents—that you feel frustrated and you cry because you can’t get through to them—realize you may not be able to get through to them, but write in a diary how you feel, at least for yourself, talk to a friend, and don’t let anybody shake the concept of rationality in your life.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

What you are looking for in a romantic soulmate is someone who will treasure you for what you value most in yourself, who has most of the qualities you cherish and enjoy on a daily basis, someone with whom you share fundamental values and who makes you feel visible. Your soulmate is a person you are strongly attracted to, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. This is true not only at the level of your conscious judgment, though that is critically important, but also at the deepest level of your subconscious, as revealed by your emotional responses. You experience it as, "This is the perfect partner for me." But you will not necessarily experience these emotional responses—valid or not—after just one meeting.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com if you like.